So following the theme I've evidently taken over the past few days, I'm going to yet again review something. You ungrateful bastards what never comment can't say I've never done anything helpful for you now, the few of you that give a shit about thoughtlessly spending a dollar and some change ( typically ) on something without hearing some loud and intrusive girls overly aggressive/energetic opinion of it. DOES TONE OF VOICE TRANSLATE WELL OVER TEXT, BY THE WAY? BECAUSE I SHOULD BE SCREAMING IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW IF IT DOES AND THAT'S JUST COOL. MIIIIIND FUUUUUUUCK.
So that stated, we're reviewing. And what are we reviewing? Why a product picked up at Walmart! Not Walgreens, no. That's not a typo, Walmart. The good 'ole Wally World ( Which amusingly is also a gas-station operating by the same name in the area so that can get confusing ) but not just any product but the following product;
Wrigley's React 5 (Elixir and Flare): These were actually bought between two people in three packs, the reason why? Well, I bought one pack and James got the other and since we had six between us we swapped a pack so each of us would be able to try the others gum. This works out well because I had really wanted to know what the fuck "Flare" was and James wanted to know what "Elixir" was. While we both collectively assumed that Flare was probably basically Big Red neither of us had even the slightest inkling what the hell Elixir was. Surely it wouldn't be something mundane like bubble-gum, right? And that being the case left open the door to endless possibilities since as coming from the same people who make the Dessert Delights gum they've evidently abducted Willy Wonka's fucking Loompa's and chained them for cheap orange-skinned labour ( Insert off-colour tasteless Mexican/Indian joke here )
Elixir: Nope, it wasn't. Point in fact at first I wasn't completely sure what the hell it was, I don't know if the wrapper had any name on it because I threw the fucker away and I can't be assed to do a simple search because that takes all the fun out of guessing.. Thirdly because.. Fuck you.. That's why.. I'm not cheap orange-skinned labour, thank you! My closest guess on this gum is that it's raspberry, there's a distinctly raspberry taste and it's fairly strong on the first few chews but I must admit while satisfied right away my satisfaction eventually melted away and I was left with a rather odd and somewhat bitter taste of almost rotten berries in my mouth when the flavour soon faded away. Would I suggest this? Short term chewing, sure. You want something to chew for a long time, though? Noooo. Goddamn orange-skins can't get the flavour to stick better, really?
Flare: On the money with this one though and that's no great surprise because honestly what the hell else could it be? It's more or less Big Red with a little more sweetness and a slightly toned down spice-burn which may seem counter-intuitive for Big Red but it's actually quite good. The flavour on this as should be expected from Big Red and gums like it in general actually lasts for quite a while and hits you very strongly, that's not a bad thing though.. It's actually a good thing, a really good thing. The initial burst of flavour was far sweeter than what I've come to expect from cinnamon gums and I found it quite enjoyable myself. Of the two gums, this one get's my seal of approval.. Which is kind of depressing because in the end I was stuck with two shitty boxes of this off-tasting raspberry which while good seemed far less favourable and palatable next to the excellent Flare.
Finally coming to the last bit of our entry I'd like to address something rather perplexing that I noticed while watching an episode of ThunderCats recently ( The original 1980's ThunderCats, not the new 2011 which is still quite good in and of itself. ) - When the credits roll, I usually end the episode because frankly I don't give a shit what Korean asshole animated what samoflange but on today for some reason or another that I can't seem to recall the credits remained rolling while I.. I don't know.. Did something else, spaced out or just sat there watching them for some strange reason? Maybe the desire just hit me, maybe it wasn't anything but gas and maybe it was just fate, either way I noticed something and I noticed something strange;
ThunderCats had a Psychological Consultant? A Ph.D? The fuck? What precisely do you need a psychological consultant on a goddamn cartoon for? Was someone disturbed by the use of the word samoflange? I mean I know it borderline makes me shit my pants when I say it but try it a few times and it becomes a fun word you'll never want to live without.. Seriously though, what the hell? Perhaps someone can explain this to me, perhaps they can't, more likely they can but won't comment and I'll be left to forever ponder the mystery that is the ThunderCats Ph.D Psychological Consultant.