Marshmallows, gum and bimbos

So rarely do I ever actually give the people who visit my blog ( There are some, right? It's so quiet, I can't tell! ) something constructive and helpful. This? Going to be one of those rare times, half-way at least. I'm at least going to review something on this entry, I don't know if it'll be helpful but I'll damn well make certain you know my opinion on some random product. Though the first product?

Not actually a product I'm reviewing, not a product I purchased. Merely a product I managed to notice.. Mostly due to the fact that the motherfuckers were sitting pile upon pile in boxes and were bigger than my goddamn fist. THE WHOLE FIST. Okay, I've seen big marshmallows. These bastards? They make jumbo look like mini. What the hell are you going to do with a marshmallow literally the size of a girls fist? Wait, no. Don't answer that you sick little moo-cows, I don't want to know in spite of my rampant curiosity. Though I'm fairly certain that eating just one of these monstrosities they call marshmallows is equivalent of injecting concentrated essence of sugar and lard directly into your heart, I can't help but think they're wonderful. Never have I seen a marshmallow I've been so sure I could kill a person with and never have I desired to so badly. I guess if you don't plan to eat them you could always use them as throw-pillows.

The next entry? It's an actual review, holy shit I'm being constructive. At the risk of freaking out and scaring off my few faithful viewers I present the following for your consideration; Extra: Dessert Delights Apple Pie and Orange Cream Pop and I also ask, am I the only one that finds these mutant gum flavours slightly disconcerting? It's almost as if a machine has tapped into my subconscious and is feeding me precisely what I desire but doing so as if it were an IV drip, I get tired of one thing and start to drag and then I find these.. Jade, the Matrix has you. Oh god.. The Matrix.. But wait, what about the gum, we'll worry about the Matrix later, right? Well while I wait for agents to bust down my door and we begin an action packed Kung-Fu fight sequence I'll try to finish the article.



Dessert Delights Apple Pie: This made me nearly shit myself in excitement and anticipation. They've had Key Lime Pie which was pretty impressive, Strawberry Shortcake that tasted like Strawberry Shortcake, and the Snozberries tasted like Snozberries! Amazingly whatever mad scientist sat in his lab all night figuring out a way to fit an apple pie into a stick of gum ( Possibly Carl Sagan in which case, congratulations asshole, you're chewing the universe. ) was a brilliant motherfucker worthy of a Nobel Peace-prize. Okay, maybe they're not perfect, the flavour doesn't last as long as I'd like it to but they are damn tasty. They actually truly taste like apple pie. What the hell?

Dessert Delights Orange Cream Pop: Remember those old Flintstones Push-ups you used to get as a kid? No? Well if you don't, kill yourself now. My childhood was abuse, neglect and poverty and even I got Flintstones Push-ups, point is.. Well, assuming you're not hanging from the ceiling or bleeding out currently in which case I advise a band-aid, I hear those fix everything and might I suggest Flintstones Band-Aids and perhaps even some Flintstones Vitamins to perk up your blood-loss weakened body.. Unless you're hanging from the ceiling then I guess just.. Uh.. Good luck with that.. Anyway, back to the Push-ups. Like the Apple Pie I was amazed, it's uncanny how much these sticks of gum really taste like the Flintstones Push-ups. The flavour on these lasted a little longer than the Apple Pie, they're also really good and addictive. Careful if you buy either of these gum brands, seriously. This shit will fuck with your head, but there's never been an easier way to have your cake, eat it too and finally not have to fret about having taken a billion calories in.

In closing, I'd like to be a senselessly ignorant git probably bordering if not flat-out crossing over into racism and definitely crossing into a more puerile nature and simply giggle at the following, it really requires no explanation.. Though I'm sure it means something entirely different, I just want to put a blond wig on it and walk away to leave people wondering;

AHAHAHAHOSHITAGENTSSGBNGHM