Wonders of Walgreens

Apologies for the title, sounds kind of like it might be an MMO, right? I'll roll a Human Manager (DPS spec) with a stealth specialization, level up my mad skillz with such dangerous tasks as restocking shelves, toy aisle destruction by the dreaded Murtots and the ever horrifying CUSTOMER SERVICE (Because if you think your towns retail has it hard imagine what retail with competent managers must be like surrounded by the backwater hicks that largely make up a place like Alabumfuckbama. Yeah, that would be the fear poop setting into your pants.)

The local Walgreens while it's often in the past been a favorite spot of mine to frequent has in the current frame of time become something of a.. Well, a place to be avoided. Frankly some of (most of) the employee's are unfriendly and with lives as miserable as I assume theirs to be, I'm not surprised and a few of them in the past have been downright assholes. (I mean it's really fun when a backwater hick finds out you're not Christian *GASP*BUMBUMBUUUUM! and decides to take it upon himself to show you the error of your ways the way Jesus would; good 'ole fashion down-south harassment!) still the local Walgreens is a variable treasure trove of wonderful finds if you know where to look and what to look for, sometimes you don't even have to know what you're looking for necessarily, it just kind of jumps out at you. Such was the case with the following product.

That's right, a generic brand given.. It's Walgreens Australian Liquorice, when I first received this package it was a surprise from James and I frankly was somewhat underwhelmed. Not necessarily because I don't like Liquorice, more because I know what "Australian" means here in the U.S and as mentioned I'm currently knee-deep in Alabumfuckbama. *Glances around for source of dueling banjo's strums.* ...I feel dirty.. Let's hurry the article along, shall we? I was underwhelmed because my first thought was "Yeah, Australian. Right I'm sure, about as Australian as Outback Steakhouse, huh?" - No, my usual cynicism aside.. I was actually wrong.. A little going over on the package revealed that this was in fact an Australian made product, further research seemed to yield the indication that this candy had in fact been made in Australia. It confuses me because why would you market such a thing in such a place? I mean Alabamians are not really known for their stunning sense of culture, no offense and truthfully I can't see this really being accepted or chosen by a large crowd of consumers but nevertheless, here it is and here I am. Happy and amazed. The candy itself? It's very good, it's the traditional Australian Liquorice I'm used to aside from the raspberry flavour (I'm actually used to the black which isn't James' fault, he didn't know.) and Australian Liquorice differs in the fact that unlike U.S Liquorice it is soft as opposed to being a hardened string that will threaten to forcefully remove your incisors if you're foolish enough to go into it without the proper backing. I'm not typically a fan of U.S Liquorice, that's not just a bias either; I don't like things that threaten to go Christmas Elf on Yeti against my ass, especially not something I'm supposed to be enjoying. I'm still too young to gum things down. This stuff, however? Quite flavourful and good. You won't find a better Liquorice out there in my opinion, even if you don't like the stuff if you can find it I suggest you give it a try. You may be surprised.

So what's next on the list?

Next we have a favorite of mine, a snack for cheap/poor fucks. Sweet Time Jelly Beans, I'm pretty sure these are considered 'generic' because I've personally never seen anything from this company 'Sweet Time' but even if this is all they've ever put out (I doubt it) at least they could say they did this goddamn right. I've had other jelly beans, I've had Jelly Belly's, Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans, Smuckers (Motherfuck does that name sound dirty and feel dirty to say), Brach's, and others.. Too many really to name.. Honestly? I can't think of a single jelly bean that even begins to rival these.

If a 'Jelly Belly' is the 'gourmet' version of the jelly bean then Sweet Time Jelly Beans must be the Nectar of the Gods compressed in bean form with love, a sprinkling of sex, afterglow, foreplay and some random shit from Bacchus thrown in just to make it extra decadent and good. These are the purest form of jelly bean that exist. Tasty? For just $1.10 you can get this WHOLE BAG which is filled with the absolute most heavenly and delicious jelly beans ever to grace my tongue. YES THEY'RE TASTY. Oh my god MOTHERFUCK THEY'RE TASTY. If I were a hobo right now, starving and given the choice of buying a steak dinner for $1.10 or a bag of these jelly beans? Well I'd be making me some jelly bean hobo stew now, wouldn't I? YOU BET YOUR CANDY ASS I WOULD. If your ass was made of these jelly beans as an alternative point I'd kill you and feast upon your hinder, your fecal matter the sweet sweet jelly filling of the bean and your ass cheeks the gentle and soft deliciously pliable and sugary shell. I HAVE NO PROBLEM SAYING THAT OR IMAGINING IT, THEY'RE THAT DAMN GOOD. TRY THEM NOW OR YOU WILL DIE AN EMPTY PERSON.