Memories of past fun and Gum

Time for that better post I promised, you'll see that I keep to my word as today's post will more than make up for yesterdays post which I felt dragged a little. Yesterday to be honest I wasn't feeling 100% and I think I probably should have taken a break but I didn't and here we are. Let's begin, shall we?

I wanted to start the article off with reminiscence about last year, my birthday to be precise. So far every year we've managed to go out on my birthday, it's always been a ton of fun with a small get together and of course my birthday is on December 31 so on my birthday it is expected that the booze should flow like water from the beautiful bountiful Earth so assuming my birthday goes as expected and is good, this should be the case and all should be good with the world. You know what's even better, though? What's even better is when you get a pair of flaming fuck gay waiters who are absolutely AWESOME because of that fact. Gay guys who know alcohol and work at these places are almost always and in fact as a rule have absolutely always been epic, they know the best drinks and know how to make the prettiest shit. The drinks they brought out this night? Not only did they aide in the murder of my brain-matter and getting me completely puking my guts out skull-fucked which is precisely where I aim to be by the end of my birthday but they were fucking delicious and pretty as all shit. WHO ACTUALLY EXPECTS ALCOHOL TO TASTE DELICIOUS!?

These are the first three drinks I had, they're fucking beautiful. Not only that but as I requested from the waiter ( Who have I mentioned was awesome? ) they were completely overflowing with alcohol, none of that nambly pambly spritz of booze like most people/places do, I wanted these motherfuckers more than half booze. I wanted to goddamn erase my whole mind like a corrupt hard-drive. These were fruity, mixed perfectly and the colours.. My god the colours.. If I'd been on illicit substances I'd have probably been trying to claw my eyes out or some shit, I'd be tripping goddamn balls of insane proportions but unfortunately in my inebriated state the colours while beautiful didn't quite mind-fuck in the same way, they were a little dulled by the dim lighting and the drunken haze slowly creeping over me.

Here's the thing. You're assuming probably that these are the same drinks I've photographed multiple times but oh no, you're wrong. These are individual drinks that were brought to me on their own, I had at least six of these fucks. I don't know how many exactly but I do know at least six and I do also know that by the time our outing was wrapping up that I had been sitting in my seat and was unmoving but not asleep, completely unaware of what was going on and simply staring forward blankly while people tried to speak to me. I goddamn nearly achieved full erasure.. And then I made friends with the bathroom.

Coincidentally and conversationally, we got back to our hotel room later that night and I left the staff a present in the parking lot. The moment I got out of the car I epically hurled all over the street in true Reagan Exorcist form. I was particularly proud of that. This night? AWESOME. I'm a heavy drinker to say the least, when I drink I want to end the night trapped in the tub for several hours and then just pass the fuck out. This is a perfect night to me. True fucking Zen.

And now let's seamlessly segue from the subject of violent hurling inebriation onto the subject of a new gum review, the gum in question;

Dentyne Pure, Mint with Melon Accents: First of all, let me state.. I hate mint with a passion, I like only Spearmint and believe fully that mint is a shite flavour that has no place in goddamn anything. Not toothpaste and not fucking gum, it's too goddamn strong and it fucking sticks like no ones business. That's ridiculous. That said.. Have you ever tasted a flavour that you could feel? Yeah, that's this gum. First piece I chewed? I'm pretty sure my nostril hairs were completely obliterated, I chewed one piece, ONE GODDAMN PIECE and felt the shit literally wafting out my fucking nostrils. I mean christfuck, what the hell!? I guess if you're looking for the flavour that doesn't just pistol whip other flavours but outright nukes them with twenty fucking nukes then this shit is your best bet, you won't be able to taste anything through this shit. It's not bad per say but I'd be lying if I said they weren't fucking lying because they are, the dicks. On the package it claims 'with melon accents', BULLSHIT. There is NO WAY that even if there are 'melon accents' in this shit that you'd be able to taste them, I CAN FEEL THE SHIT IN MY FUCKING NOSE! - Whether you should buy this stuff? Well, it was on sale.. That's why we grabbed it, it was .80 cents a package of three of these so it was a good deal, otherwise? Unless you just fucking love mint, no. This shit is strong.. Too strong just way too strong.