It's an odd little quirk of the cereal giants that from time to time they'll attach to an idea or a certain type of cereal based on a certain something and they'll hang onto it like a blood bloated leech sucking it's chosen and likely unwilling host for all it's worth and wow.. Nice description although that's usually what the case is. It's called 'milking' something and a lot of companies are quite guilty of milking products and themes and I suppose they really can't be blamed, you find something that works and sells and you stick to it, don't fix what ain't broke, right? Except from time to time they'll latch onto ideas and themes that are just plain disturbing. More often than not these themes and products will consist of sugar-laden nightmares whose soul purpose in existing is to enter the bodies of the children who are inevitably being marketed towards and fill their veins with a gelatinous mess of congealed artificially sweetened fat.. This isn't necessarily a bad thing if parents are responsible about watching what their kids eat but more often than not, children are left to their own devices and handed these products without a second thought. Whatever.. That's kind of cool actually and isn't that the point of childhood? You're not supposed to worry about your weight or what you're eating when you're a kid, who gives a damn? You're a kid, you don't have to impress anyone. That comes later with the awkwardness of puberty and for the moment, the world is good and a sweet place full of shite like this;
The first product is the first cereal to memory that featured waffles, Ralston Waffelo's. Now I'm confused, isn't this kind of redundant? You take a breakfast item, right? A.. Waffle.. And.. You make it into a breakfast item again? Nhh.. Ow.. Twitch.. That hurts my brain.. 1979 this cereal was released and naturally was packed full of enough syrups, sugars, artificial sweeteners and chemicals to terminally scar a generations colons. Why do you think old people have such a hard time shitting? After a life time of eating things packed full of enough sugar and coagulants to kill a bull moose it's surprising that they don't shit pure maple syrup or at least high fructose corn syrup... Come to think of it given the fact that so much of that is used in products today, maybe they do and.. Like.. Soylent Green is people? ...Holy shit.. Anyway.. The cereal was weird, it didn't quite taste like maple syrup but was vaguely.. Buttery.. I don't know how they achieved that and frankly I don't want to know, the thought is kind of disturbing. There were two types of this cereal featuring durh, Maple Syrup and Blueberry. The Maple was the best but the Blueberry wasn't far behind, surprisingly in spite of being pretty damn popular it disappeared. Guess it was discontinued for some odd reason and you'd think that'd be the end of the story of Waffle Cereals but you'd be wrong! Oh.. You'd be wrong..
Judging by the trend, these aren't the last waffle cereals we'll ever see.
Candy/Snack Theme Cereals:
An older iteration of this would be the 1983 Cracker Jack Cereal which amazingly tasted more or less like Cracker Jacks. Of course the peanuts, bits and bobs weren't there in actual true-form but the flavour was. Packed full of enough chemicals, artificial flavourings and random shite that was meant to taste good but urge you closer to that aforementioned diabetic coma there was hardly anything nutritious or vitamin and mineral enriched about this cereal but honestly, who gives a shit? Were they going to advertise the truth? Hell no. The truth was this like many other 'breakfast cereals' of it's time wasn't a breakfast cereal but instead a glorified candy. Honestly that's alright to me, this definitely wasn't a bad cereal in the sense that it tasted bad, it was certainly bad for you and it actually tasted so good I'd rather have had the Cereal instead of actual Cracker Jacks in the event that I were going to have them, this cereal was outright addictive like crack cocaine. Of course this is not the only nor the most outrageous of all iterations and incarnations of the Candy/Snack themed cereal, oh no.
"You'll think you're eating Rice Krispies Treats", probably because YOU FUCKING ARE. Seriously, these things were just Rice Krispies Treats that were broken down into cereal-sized bites and re-branded as cereal, seriously. Fuck off, Kellogg's, stop trying to lie and make it seem like you're not just distributing a product you've already made as a cereal. It's fine that you are, it's no great crime.. Well.. I mean aside from the fact that they're naturally criminally bad for you but damn, don't play us like we stupid, homes. We know the commercial is bullshitting us, you totally realize that they're Rice Krispies Treats and we do too. That's why we loved them. But is that it? Never mind that I could mention Reeses' Puffs Cereal, Nerds Cereal, S'mores or any other I've gone over in the past, there are even more. The Snack/Candy theme is incredibly popular for cereal companies to utilize bringing fourth delicious rarities such as this;
And now I need a chorus of angelic voices all chanting the arrival of tonight's dinner because tonight's dinner was AWESOME and came out EPIC.