Discontinued Delicacies & Pretty Pizza

More discontinued products from my vast memory banks, I'm kind of like a mainframe full of aggravatingly inane and trivial information the majority of which I'll never apply anywhere in real-life except for to my blog.. But at least I can consistently write a damned entertaining blog (at least I hope it's entertaining?) and I should have no shortage of inane trivia to post for years to come! Hell maybe my blog will earn me my own internet stalker and wouldn't that be nice?! Hells to the yeah. I needs me a psycho following me around and obsessing over me. But why is my memory so expansive? Well mostly because I'm not sure if it carries over the internet but I actually have a very addictive personality and many items I've loved throughout the years no matter how seemingly inane I've unnaturally clung to in an attempt to comfort myself from whatever ails me, it's a good thing that in recent years I've developed so much self-control because if I hadn't I'd still be a fat lard-ass (I used to be seriously overweight. Now I'm at a perfect weight, I'm toned and athletic and exercise everyday) anyway.. Enough prattle, onto the product;

#1
Nabisco Better Cheddars:

Anyone else remember these? Fuck Cheese Nips and Cheez-Its, these were Nabisco Better Cheddars and these were where it was at. Rounded, thin, crispier and lighter these had a truly palatable quality and it's the texture that really makes them considerably more delicious. A Better Cheddar has the strange quality at the right temperature of being slightly cold and I suspect if refrigerated or kept in the freezer they would be incredibly good. Of course they wouldn't freeze but take my word for it, the coldness does impart something on the cracker. Where the hell did these go? These were the ultimate snack cracker (horrible for you nutritionally but still), why would these have been done away with? I can't understand that because these crackers were fucking delicious. There's always been one thing I've longed to try with a Better Cheddar and if I ever get another box I will experiment and post my results here but it's always occurred to me that these would potentially be delicious if you and bare with me here and really consider it, covered them in chocolate or white chocolate. You may say ew right off the bat but think about it, seriously.. Do you not see the delicious potential?

#2
Nabisco Sweet Crispers:

These were strange and strangely delicious and taking a note from the above half of the blog article I'll note that these are one of the reasons I believe that a chocolate covered Better Cheddar would be delicious. In 1998 Nabisco launched these short-lived heavenly hybrids known as Nabisco Sweet Crispers, they came in several flavours and they're not well known because.. NHRRR.. At the risk of being redundant, they were again as mentioned extremely short-lived. They were popular for the short period of time they were around though and I'd heard numerous people singing their praises, they were delicious. To my memory I can only recall chocolate, caramel, cinnamon and honey flavours and neither of the four flavours were particularly better than the other, all the flavours were delicious and incredible. The Sweet Crisper was an ingenious snack that was neither a biscuit (cookie for those inclined to 'American English') nor a cracker, it was in between and let me tell you right now that the hybridization of a biscuit and cracker was a flat out move of marketing and culinary brilliance and whoever came up with this deserves a Nobel Peace Prize because oh my fucking god these were good. But they're gone! Why? What I can manage to dig up is the usual excuse of 'lack of consumer interest and purchases', the fuck? Seriously? Re-launch these, I'll buy more than my fair share and hold the whole damn Sweet Crisper line on my shoulders if I have to! These motherfucks were delicious!

#3
Nabisco Swiss Cheese Crackers:

Okay, another Nabisco product.. Sorry, Nabisco has the habit of discontinuing their best products though and the Nabisco Swiss Cheese Cracker was one of their best snack cracker products they've ever made. On par with Better Cheddars, the Swiss Cheese cracker was a delicious and airy crisp that was delightfully light and thin and shaped in a whimsical and wonderful swiss cheese shape. So freakin' novel! They were fun shaped, why not? That's awesome, I want more food to be fun shaped because that's just cool! Again, there's no other type of cracker like these. Cheez-It's have tried to replicate the swiss taste but they never quite manage to reach the pinnacle these had and so these remain king. Is Nabisco just self-destructive? First you're going to discontinue the best cheddar crackers on the planet, then the first hybrids and then the best swiss? The hell is wrong with you!? Stop that! Put them back on the market, damn you!

#4
Nabisco Honey Maid Mini S'mores:

Okay, THAT DOES IT. I AM GOING UP TO NABISCO HQ, I AM KNOCKING ON THEIR DOOR, WHEN THEIR SECRETARY OPENS UP I'M GOING TO GRAB HIM/HER BY THE ARM, DRAG THEM INTO THE MAIN OFFICE, FIND THE BIG WIGS AND TARGET THE FIRST MOST IMPORTANT MOTHERFUCKER, RIP HIS ARM OFF AND PROCEED TO BEAT HIM WITH IT! ...Followed by finding out I probably just maimed an innocent intern... BUT THEN! Then I shall go after the right motherfucker and there shall be a corporate beat-down the likes of which never have been before because evidently the corporate big wigs think that discontinuing EVERYTHING GOOD that they friggin' make is a great goddamn idea! Why? Because apparently NOTHING makes the unrealistic sales numbers that they want and here's an idea, maybe it's because you don't have a billion and one flavours of everything like you do the goddamn Triscuit! Why can we have a billion and one flavours of Triscuits but we can't have mini s'mores, swiss crackers, Better Cheddars or Sweet Crispers!? NOTHING IS GOING TO STACK UP TO THE TRISCUIT BECAUSE YOU'VE UNFAIRLY STACKED THE TRISCUIT ON TOP OF A BILLION AND ONE OTHER TRISCUITS! RAAAHHHH!!! GRRRggrrGRGgraaaawwrr.. And now that I'm thoroughly foaming at the mouth and feeling proper murderous I'll actually try to calm down, not blow a goddamn gasket and go over the product. These were Nabisco Honey Maid mini S'mores and they were fucking fantastic. THERE'S YOUR GODDAMN REVIEW! ...No, I'm kidding.. Much as that should be my review seeing as they were given an unfairly short life-span and therefore Nabisco is deserving of an unfairly short review, that's not actually my review. The little mini S'mores were amazingly addictive tiny treats which featured your tiny round version of the standard Honey Maid Graham cracker (delicious by the way and one of the best Graham Crackers to make actual full-sized smores with.) packed full of white creme and chocolate frosting. Did I miss anything? No.. Okay, good. Yes they were simple enough and they weren't quite identical in texture or eating experience since the 'marshmallow' was more creme like and the chocolate was more frosting like but they were unique for what they were and they provided a certain.. One of a kind taste that only this snack could deliver.. And they worked, they really worked. It's impossible to pop just one of these, you say just one and soon you're up to just four and just six, they truly are addictive. Health wise and nutrition wise of course they're horrid but then we're speaking of them assuming you're not going to sit down and eat a whole goddamn box because if you are, one you're an idiot and two you deserve to be fat because develop an ounce of control, fatty. I'm not sure if I'm quite right about the crackers but when I had these I noticed a distinct tinge of... Well, I think it was honey in the actual graham cracker which was just delightful. And yes, these benefit from being frozen. Little frozen s'mores are scrumptious tidbits worthy of the time in the cold-box, they will not disappoint.. Or wouldn't if they hadn't been discontinued as well! DAMN IT!

Dinner:

Dinner tonight I am very proud of, it was an experiment and I'm happy to say it was a complete success and came out wonderfully! I give you Piza no konran (Disruption of Pizza or 'Pizza Mess') and it's a personal version of Okonomiyaki (A Japanese version of 'pizza') which I've made in the past but never like this.

It all came together so nicely, the Piza no konran was a beautiful squared mix that was sooo juicy, saucy, and gooey looking and James ate it like a motherfucker, the Anpan (Sweet Roll) was perfect and I even made a little decorative Anko (Sweet Red Bean Paste) topping for it and the satsumaimomasshu had a small chocolate vanilla marshmallow.

All in all I'm proud of this and James was really into it, giving me two thumbs up. Rock on.

Second photograph brought to you by It's squared!©