Criminal Cereals (Chocolate Edition 2; The Failures!) & Feelin' Fishy!

Kick-ass, that's what chocolate is. It represents the best shit that humanity has to offer, it represents the basic pinnacle of what humans have achieved and I truly believe that, and it represents how goddamn inventive humans can be with a bean. The cocoa bean, a magical little bean that was originally discovered by the Mayans, those crazy goddamn heart-stealing and people-sacrificing Mayans. It was so awesome that people even used the cocoa bean as currency in the past and that gives a slightly new meaning to how much this world seems to love chocolate.

Yes the cocoa bean! Without it we wouldn't have the wonderful whimsical decadent delight that is chocolate, without it we wouldn't have the wondrous and seemingly endless stream of random chocolate cereals, chocolate cereals we know, chocolate cereals we love, cereals that turn our goddamn milk brown, and our bellies round if we're not careful!

...Then again sometimes they flat out suck

Cocoa Frosted Flakes:

They were introduced in 1997, toted as the only fat-free chocolate cereal in the U.S, and proclaimed to be 'Chocolaty Grrreat!', great Tony. Great.. You took your normal catch phrase and added chocolaty to it.. You fucking tool. I'm ashamed to have you represent the tiger you motherfucker, how dare you.

Wait no, I get it. I see where we went wrong, the poor bastard contused himself walking through a sliding door. That happened in Star Wars too, poor Stormtrooper was never the same after being bonked in that helmet by that door and he had a helmet, all Tony has is his soft cartoon head! The cats brains probably look like a cartoon omelet!

..By the way, notice how everyone seems to be scared of him? I'm pretty sure Tony ate or at least mauled a few of those motherfuckers to let them know what was what. I know I would have. Goddamn cereal scientist types get a might unruly if they're left to their own devices for too long.. Might create some type of cereal-based death-ray..

You know what's weird? These weren't really that good, they were too sweet. It's not surprising when you consider they're Cocoa Frosted Flakes, we're going to go and frost chocolate cereal with pure sugar? Really? No, that won't be over-kill at all.. Fuck me into a goddamn DIABETUS comatose state what was Kellogg's thinking!? Of course it's too much! JESUS! Even if chocolate is the best thing in the world even it can be over done!

It's surprising then that even after being discontinued it's been recently reintroduced with the current resurgence in popularity for chocolate cereals.

Kellogg's Choco Zucaritas or 'Kellogg's Chocolate Frosted Flakes' is the same damn cereal with a slightly (barely) retooled name..

..I'm thinking we keep this cat away from sliding doors, the bastards starting to repeat himself and that's never a good thing when you bump your head a lot.

and that's never a good thing when you bump your head a lot.


Post Dino S'mores Cereal:

And that's never a good thing when you bump your head a lot.

..Wait, what? Oh! Right! Post Dino S'mores Pebbles, you know you love him, the dinosaur that is supposed to be a dog, you've got to wonder what type of breed Dino was supposed to be? I know he was referred to as a 'petasaurus' and I think I remember him referred to as a 'Snorkasaurus', the fuck does that make him?

He's a land-based dinosaur-pet Snork thing? An ancestor to the sea-inhabiting Snork? Wouldn't that be evolution in reverse since aquatic-based life is supposed to have evolved into land-based life? ...Wait.. For fucks sake, their dispose all unit is a fucking boar, right. The Flintstones kind of fuck the idea of evolution and all concept of history..

So what you may ask about his cereal? Well.. Like Dino who was barely featured in The Flintstones outside of being referenced once every now and then and shown for a few fleeting moments from time to time, it kind of sucks; it's a butt-monkey of cereals. A butt-monkey is never good.

It's not even chocolaty in spite of being a S'mores cereal, it's flavour or lack thereof really disappoints and leaves you wondering what Post was thinking when they made this. It's kind of just.. Yeck.. Cardboard-like and bland and the marshmallow to cereal ratio is pitiful. What sort of cereal company worth their 'rocks' (or pebbles, c wut I did thar?) creates a cereal that boasts marshmallows and then puts as few marshmallows as possible into it? That's like taking Lucky Charms and removing half the marshmallows from it. Are you going to buy Lucky Charms now with 50% less marshmallows? No, fuck no you're not.

It's a good thing this shite can't be found anymore, I suspect the possibility that given it's colour and appearance it may have literally been Dino shite. That would explain the foul taste.


Cocoa Krispies ChocoNilla:

Aah, here's one I think I can trust a little more, Rice Krispies have rarely let me down and after all, Kellogg's brought me the magical Rice Kripsies Treats Cereal, so good you'd think you were eating Rice Krispies Treats... BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WERE DUMBASS!!!!

So knowing the legacy of epic that was Rice Krispies and knowing that choosing the bland normal brand would be resigning myself to.. Well.. Bland flavourlessness (not a word but who cares!?) so in 2007, I threw caution to the wind and went ahead and gave it a try. Surely Kellogg's Rice Krispies + Chocolate + Vanilla would = Win, right?

..Uhg.. No..

Goddamn it. Surprisingly enough this was a failure of pretty large proportions, not just in the chocolate taste but also in the vanilla taste and the sweetness. From the first bite this shit is overpoweringly sweet and not chocolaty sweet or vanilla sweet, it's just a nondescript and disgusting sweet that makes you feel like you're imbibing solid sugar cubes the size of.. Well.. Rice Krispies.. And it's naaaassty.

I ran into an interesting problem as well with this cereal, just a little bit of it was making me feel physically ill to the point that I did not finish the box. This was one I had to throw away and I hate myself for having done that because I do not waste food with starving people and kids in the world. I had no choice with this.. It's chemical sweetness induced vomiting the first time I ate it, that's a true story. I can't be expected to go through that again because someone somewhere else in the world that I can't help and I have nothing to do with is starving. Sorry my conscience doesn't work that way.
  
Dinner:

I may slip up eventually and ruin a dish but I definitely didn't tonight! This is Iri tamago to sakana (Scrambled eggs and fish) and is topped by a delicious Japanese mustard tartar sauce with a bed of scrambled eggs, carrots, and sweet peas.

The Anpan was special as well, a new variation I decided to get a little unique with and try out; peanut butter and jelly Anpan! (Sweet Roll) - The satsumaimomasshu sports French Vanilla SnowmanChubbyMallows and all in all it was an excellent dish that turned out flawlessly!

Yummy in James' tummy! Although I don't have much to say about this dish because it's not spectacular, it's still quite good and I'm quite pleased with myself and it.