Back into the inscrutable world of the mysterious classified menu. What strange and unknown secrets may ensconce themselves off the menu, known only by those that are part of 'the in', I happen to be part of 'the in' and although I may be attacked by fast-food flunkies for sharing their systems ala The Da Vinci Code, I'll fend off their advances and their grease-laden assaults to bring you the secrets of the unspoken menu!
The code shall be cracked, the secrets shall be known, and the world shall be better for it! Question me not for I am a wily Cat and I will not be stopped by greasy spoons or sizzling spatulas! But I do love when they use waffle fries as shuriken. Yum.
For those unawares, Sonic is an American Drive-in fast-food restaurant chain that was originally based in Oklahoma City, originally it was established in the 1950s following World War II and has been a staple in the culture of U.S. fast-food since. Interestingly there are 3,500 Sonic Drive-In's between 43 U.S. States and Sonic serves approximately 3 million customers daily. Pretty impressive stats if you ask me. As another random fact, this chains 'specialty' is drinks and they boast themselves as "Your Ultimate Drink Stop" because of the 398,929 possible drink combinations.
Fuck me that's a lot of caffeine.
Yes, that's right. At Sonic you can make 398,929 drink combinations and among those are some of the most aberrant and mutant combinations and variations that man-kind has ever laid eyes on! It's a miracle with the amount of shit they mix together in a Sonic Drive-In that no one's managed to start a new plague or create some super form of virulent toxin. Frankly I see us waking up one day sooner or later and learning that Sonic Drive-In's managed to create just the right mixture of Sprite and purple drank colour #2 to create a strain of toxin that wiped out most of the Southern U.S. - And nothing of value was lost..
But the Purple Sprite is one of the secret menu items and frankly I think for novelties sake it's pretty damn cool. This drink basically consists of Powerade, lemonade, sprite and cranberry juice. - I'd substitute the Sprite for Diet Sprite but for the rest of it I'd say it sounds like a pretty good Sports Drink.
Have it your wa-I MEAN ENJOY VARIATIONS!!:
There's the Dixie Cheeseburger, The Thousand Island Jr. Cheeseburger, The California Cheeseburger, and The Super Sonic Jalapeno Cheeseburger, alternatively with the fixin's they keep on hand you can pretty much order any variation of burger you want, I doubt they'd turn you down. That's a lot of burger potential if you ask me!
..Maybe we shouldn't worry about a virulent toxin from drinks but from the burgers rather.. All it takes is one bad burger and BAM, Zombie Apocalypse.... Honestly I blame the preservatives in their foods.. Feeding that many preservatives to people is just asking for zombies.
Well this is a product on the Sonic Menu that is largely and widely thought to have been discontinued because it's no longer listed but they are still available, you can still order them.. After all, they're just pickles coated in batter and deep-fried until they are a crispy golden brown and full of artery clogging goodness (badness?) - These are predictably very popular/were very popular in the Southern U.S.
Something about rednecks and fried-food.. The fuck? It's kind of scary to be honest.. The redneck obsession with fried-food disturbs me to no end. I still believe there will be zombies, grease-covered and pimple-ridden zombies, moaning, and groaning while they trudge along with burger and fried pickle remnants in their bedraggled hair.
Dr. Pepper Orgasm:
It is a Dr. Pepper, with lemonade and Power-aid and officially counts as the single greatest phrase I could hope to rape the ears of some poor underpaid Sonic Grunt with; "I'd like a Dr. Pepper Orgasm, babeh." - Male or female, I'll say this with the utmost conviction and an absolutely straight-face and preferably I'll do so to their face just so I can see it contort in pain as they try and attempt in a feeble struggle to register precisely what was just said, what it means, and whether it counts as sexual harassment.
Sonic Grilled Ham & Cheese:
.....Ham you fucking moron, are you even paying attention or reading? - Add on jalapeno's and I think this sandwich would be absolutely brilliant.
I just want to get that off my chest.
I've stated in the past that rednecks have a very disturbing relationship with fast-food, grease-laden meals, and foods that have so much oil and preservatives that I suspect they'd get the same nutritional value from eating something cooked by Exxon Valdez. THIS particularly aberrant mutant food-stuff is truly mind-fucking, however.
This consists of Fritos topped with a metric fuck-ton of chilli and nacho cheese, this isn't to be confused with high-quality chilli or actual cheese, this is shit I suspect to be largely if not completely artificial and is basically 'flavoured slime' for lack of a better explanation. This is a menu-item that used to be listed but is secret now and is/was widely popular again in the Southern U.S. (Gee what a surprise), god damn it rednecks. STOP TEMPTING FATE. I do not want a Walking Dead situation on my hands, especially not when most of you are going to be spewing rotten fried-pickles and gooey false-cheese ooze mixed with beans.
Dear god what a horror movie mental-image.