I can't understand un-frosted Pop-Tarts, maybe that's because I consider the Pop-Tart a junk food and therefore if I opt to eat one I'd rather be eating one that was good and bad for me than one that was bad and bad for me. Why have a lose lose when I can have a win lose at least?
Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts:
You know it's odd, they keep trying to make ice-cream flavoured Pop-Tarts and normally I'd be all into that. We all know how much I want Ice Cream Cereal so an ice-cream Pop-Tart should make me pretty damn happy, right? Well, yeah.. If the fucker actually tasted like ice-cream, but it doesn't.
It's hard to make something that isn't ice-cream taste like ice-cream, I'll give anyone that. You choose to make an ice-cream Pop-Tart and I say good luck to you, I don't see how it can be done and it definitely wasn't done with the Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tart, the damn thing just ends up tasting overly sweet and like confectionery frosting.. Considering just one of these fuckers is 200 calories? Fuck these. They're a train wreck of a nutritional disaster and on top of that they're not even good, they suck.
Cinnamon Roll Pop-Tarts:
People may dislike the Cinnamon Roll for being a wholly nutritionally lacking hunk of empty calories but one thing that no one can deny is that they're delicious wholly nutritionally lacking hunks of empty calories and in spite of the blood once more coagulating in your veins from the amount of shite you just shoveled into your body, you're happy and content. Then again that could just be the slowing of your heart.
Out roll Cinnamon Roll Pop-Tarts and they're actually quite good, escaping the recent faux pas of creating Pop-Tarts so disgustingly sweet that they make you want to shotgun a two liter of insulin to stave off the inevitable onset of type II they're obviously an amalgamation and reworking of an earlier recipe (The brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tart which is actually better or was) which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The bad thing? A single one of these fuckers costs you 210 calories. WHAT!? 210 CALORIES!? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts:
The kid in me enjoys the colours on the plain white, they really pop and honestly I find the art and the box itself quite alluring in a strangely sort of flamboyant way. It's very fun and in fact the box isn't the only thing that's fun, the filling inside is strangely reminiscent of the strange goop that was featured in the movie Hook during the food-fight scene and it's oddly appetizing in that 'Oh my god it's so many colours it must be delicious' sort of way.
Of course the outside and inside are both incredibly colourful and fun, I adore them both because they just look fucking awesome. I almost want to nail one to the wall if I weren't sure I'd incur the wrath of ants. Do they actually taste like cake? Moment of truth, folks.. And.. YES! THEY DO! ...It would have really sucked and been quite ironic if the goddamn Pop-Tarts they designed to taste like cake tasted less like cake than Pop-Tarts they designed to taste like ice-cream. Like time to quit your jobs, Pop-Tarts people. Your taste-buds have been twisted too badly by the years of eating artificial goop filled shitestain biscuits (cookies for you U.S.) and interestingly enough there's even a kind of butter tone to the crust which is nice and tastes very appealing and very much like.. Well.. Cake..
Whatever the case, these are fucking good but will wreck your ass at 190 calories per pastry. Ah well, BANGARANG!
You know you're nearly licking your screen now. Don't lie.
THIRD (Goddamn it's been cold lately!) photograph brought to you by I'MGLADTOHAVECENTRALHEATING!©