An early Halloween; unleash the horror of HARDEE'S!

Well it's another day and with another day comes another chance to subjugate my two total followers ( You know, I'm doing this blog for myself.. But I've got to kind of hope at least a little my follower base will grow slightly so at least someone out there will be enjoying my blog and my semi-psychotic ramblings. ) to another asinine blog post. Asinine because most of them are, they're done on a whim and the subject is randomly chosen by the little cartoon people in my head whom have developed a kind of 'Wheel of Morality' system to tell me what to post about on this day. Sometimes they even motivate me to post multiple times a day. Anyway.. "Wheel of Posting; turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that should be learned."

Aaaaand today's lesson is.. Hardee's ( A Southern fast-food chain also known as Carls JR. ) is fuckin' scary. And the motivation for this post? Half also the fact that it's so close to October and frankly, I'm the type of woman that has Halloween decorations out year-round. A year or so ago James brought me home an electric Jack-O-Lantern but not just any Jack-O-Lantern but a CAT Jack-O-Lantern. The Cat-O-Lantern! The Cat-O-Lantern which wears my cheap witch hat which I got from redeeming liveit points with our cable service provider.

You know, it's always disturbed me that people, humans in general will shovel this shit into their gullet holes without a second thought. I've always found it personally horrifying that they were actually classified even as 'food', I really don't think they qualify. I'm not being ridiculous as usual either, I'm dead-pan fuck serious. This shit scares me.

Anyway the story is this.. It was the night of October 31st, 2009 I believe and James and I had spent Halloween night depressingly at home tapping into the booze rather heavily to hinder our depression. James was, anyway.. I try not to drink when I'm depressed because frankly I have family members with a history of alcoholism and when I'm feeling down I feel it best to avoid drinking. James as it was had completely smashed himself and gone off his arse and long story short, decided that he was hungry and wanted to walk up to the local Hardee's for breakfast before the sun rose. So out we head, me accompanying him of course seeing as he could barely mutter incoherently and he asked me on his way into the store whether I wanted anything. Now normally the idea of eating anything from this place terrifies me, fast-food period terrifies me.. But I was really down this morning and I actually considered throwing in the towel for once and just having a single thing; hash browns. This.. Was of course a mistake, a horrible and terrible mistake because as we came home and I took the first one out of the bag, popped it into my mouth and began to chew a feeling of violent and crawling clawing nausea overtook me. I have no clue how the fuck these things constitute as being 'potatoes' of any sort but that's what's claimed.

Ever since I watched Super Size Me, the idea of this fast-food has bothered me more than it ever did before and before it bothered me enough to make me sick to my stomach. For the uninitiated the movie Super Size Me is about a man whom eats nothing but McDonalds for a month, without spoiling the movie or huge details by the end of the documentary we find that not only is the McDonalds causing him serious health issues but it's also literally pickling his kidneys. Holy.. Fucking.. Shite.. So as I stared down at this bag of hashbrowns, I couldn't help but wonder; what will become of them? I can't eat them, I just can't do it. They're repugnant on a level entirely unnatural, they make me feel ill and the simple act of eating one.. Well, I gagged. Literally. Then it crossed my mind. Fast-food had begun to pickle someones kidneys, that means.. The number of preservatives and additives in this alleged 'food' probably constitute it more as a chemical waste disaster rather than anything like 'potato', how many preservatives precisely are there in this shit? And how did it pickle someones kidneys? Begin to, excuse me.. If it did that, how would it survive if it were simply left to it's own devices without protection or tending to?

So onto a shelf in a cabinet did the hashbrowns go. I checked up on them periodically, ever more horrified at my findings. In the first week the bag they had come in stiffened, the off-colour brown sack began to slowly tighten as if being mummified and slowly a greasy film began to form on the bottom of the bag. Ew, I thought. That's really gross, but I'm sure it can't be worse.. Then worse happened..

The bag which we will henceforth refer to as the 'sarcophagus' was completely overtaken by the film of grease which crept up and assimilated the entirety of the brown sack, the paper had stiffened and taken on an oily consistency which was so disturbing to touch that even today when photographing this artifact I was dry-heaving in my mouth. Is this the worst of it, though? No.. You're wondering now and perhaps horrified to ask, 'But Jade, what about the hashbrowns inside? Surely they're moldy and evil by now."

That's the truly scary part.

They're not. No trace of mold, no trace of decay and the only change is that the small bag has been assimilated by the grease and oil and the hashbrowns themselves have taken on the form of deadly shuriken. Hardening to the point that if I chucked one at your head you'd have either a motherfucking hole in your head or a serious concussion. No, really. Look close up.

So for several years these things have sat out in the open. No refrigeration, no protection and no nothing. A sack, a brown sack covered in grease and oil. That's it. That's all.

Not even bugs have dared to come near this bag. You'll notice how pristine their condition is, even the bugs know better than to fuck with something with evil this pure and absolute. So I leave you with this thought.. If you actually eat fast-food, have you ever considered what the fuck you're putting in your pie-hole? Or your body for that matter? If fast-food does this outside of your body, how much worse is it in a chemical cocktail like the human stomach? Yeah...

Fucking gonna throw up now.. Excuse me..

THUNDERCATS, HOO!

I don't know if anyone who reads my blog was a fan of the old 80's ThunderCats cartoon, but it was a favorite of mine. Specifically my literal favorite cartoon period. It barely but just managed to outrank my fanatical love for the 90's series Gargoyles. ( An epic and legendary series in it's own right but still somehow not better than ThunderCats to me. )

Well, here in 2011 Cartoon Network has done the impossible.. The unthinkable.. The frightening.. And.. Hey, it was actually pretty good.

Hear me out here, I waited with giddy girly anticipation for the premiere Friday night, yes.. But I didn't wait with the intention of liking it out right no matter what. I went into it knowing that it wouldn't be the 80's cartoon and frankly, I didn't want the 80's cartoon. If I wanted the 80's cartoon, I'd watch the damned 80's cartoon. That's why I don't get the bitching from so called 'fans' of ThunderCats. So many were saying it sucks/sucked and I thought frankly even though I went into it expecting that it may very well suck huge salty manbearpig balls, I thought it was excellent. It had me squealing like the little fan-girl I am the whole way through and I only had one quibble, really. Well two, but one of them was rather asinine and wasn't even a quibble really. I actually kind of liked it. The fact was that the voice for the 'betrayer' character, Grune the Destroyer was none other than Clancy Brown AKA ( In my mind he has only one name ) The Kurgan. Sure, he's been other things. Wulf in Gargoyles, Hakon in Gargoyles, Lex Luthor in Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and just generally back-stabbing evil bastards through and through. My quibble with this ( And again it wasn't really a quibble because it was semi-epic in a funny sort of way ) was that they totally ruined the character for me and the surprise of him being a betrayer by simply casting The Kurgan as his voice-actor. The second I heard Kurgans voice come from that character I literally looked at James and said "He's a fucker. Mark my words." No, my real quibble came in the form of a little red-cat thingy known as 'Snarf' whom in this series appears to be quite unable to talk strangely. I'm not even sure if this is a quibble so much or an actual improvement to the ThunderCats as a whole. Snarf always was a preening, bitching, whining, and generally unhelpful and lazy sack of shite in the original 80's toon and frankly rarely if ever contributed anything of noteworthiness to the team other than being a total and utter bitch and repeating his name more times than anyone should ever be allowed.

Anyway, to the point. The 2011 premiere of the ThunderCats series was actually quite epic. I don't know how it will turn out in the end but I really actually quite liked what I saw ( Aside from Cheetara, okay.. Third quibble.. Her breasts, what the fuck? What happened to athletic realistically figured Cheetara from the 80's series? Yes, I know it's not the 80's series but still. You've got to wonder how she goddamn fights with the figure she has and those massive fuckton bazoonga's she's got on her chest in this show. ) and I suggest the series fully to anyone interested in the ThunderCats and those perhaps not even interested. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

What James ate for dinner tonight

I love cooking, I really do. I've never received lessons and never been taught by anyone including my own Mother. Slightly embarrassing fact, actually; before I left home ( At twenty one ) I had never cooked a meal for myself.. Ever.. I literally didn't even know how to use an oven really. When I moved here, I gave myself a crash course in cooking and as I do with most things, I chose to simply throw myself right into the fray and teach myself how to cook. My Father had always been the 'chef' of the family, cooking from memory and feeling rather than recipe or plan so I remembered what I had seen from my Father and applied that to my own methods. I forsook the rules of the almighty recipe as well and the most I'd ever accept was to vaguely reference the ingredients in something but not their amounts then decide what needed to be added where, when, why, and how. Cool story, huh? I bet you're wondering at this point 'Great Jade, nice story. ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING TELL US ALREADY WHAT YOU MADE HIM OR ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP RAMBLING YOU CHATTY BITCH!?"

Well..

SIT THE FUCK DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND YOU CALM YOUR ASS DOWN. GODDAMN.

I made Kushiyaki. Specifically Teriyaki style Kushiyaki, Kushiyaki meaning 'skewer grilled' in Japanese and being precisely what the food is. It's Japanese, I like cooking in the Japanese style and I consistently have been cooking in the Japanese style for quite a while. I was actually rather impressed with how these came out and specifically how the Teriyaki glaze came out ( Which I made myself from multiple Japanese fresh ingredients which I will not reveal. Sorry, my mind; my recipe. ) they sit on top a small serving of Somen Chanpuru ( Stir fried noodles ) which can't really be seen.. Honestly the Kushiyaki was far more impressive, anyway. So little is lost.

Completely off topic to the Kushiyaki, lets look at another past meal which I was particularly proud of; a dinner crepe which I was rather randomly inspired to cook for no good apparent reason and which James rather voraciously enjoyed. I enjoyed it solely because it's photograph came out SO DAMNED PRETTY! LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT IT AND QUIVER DAMN YOU! QUIIIIIIIVER!

So yeah, more or less it's a fruit crepe with strawberries, blueberries, a banana sauce over it, rolled with sausage inside of the body of the crepe itself. That's also not powdered sugar, I don't cook with sugar. Oh, no. It's sweetener, specifically no calorie sweetener which I am proud to brag, I found a way to motherfucking powder. IT'S CALLED A GODDAMN BLENDER! OHSHIT!

...Yeah, not much of a secret..

...Eat me..


*Glances up at food and snorts.* Heh-heh.. Eat..

The Goddamn Cat Cookie

You know, it occurs to me. I can't ever do anything normally. As I was baking about a month back for James, I had decided I was going to make him a cookie. Not just any cookie, I was going to make a cookie that was a chocolate cookie made with chocolate dough. Normally you'd think, 'Great, Jade. Sounds pretty unusual, at least it wasn't a normal sugar cookie.' and leave it at that, me?

I wasn't goddamn happy with that.

No, none and not at all to quote the famous Acadian; Justin Wilson.

I didn't add GREEN ONYON to the mix but rather looking down at my plain circular cookie, a thought entered my mind. With all the baking, cooking and competition food-making shows I watch, why settle on a normal circular cookie? FUCK THAT SHIT, THOUGHT I. I can do better! I can shape this bitch into something truly abnormal and funnel my usual obsessive nature into my task! Hells yes. So did I begin a painstaking task that would take me the better part of thirty minutes because I have absolutely no tools required for baking of this caliber and pretty much used just a small paring knife to achieve everything.

I give you the GODDAMN CAT COOKIE!

The outcome of about half an hours worth of work and all I could come up with to make was a goddamn cat-face. The eyes? Small candy circlets from a candy bracelet. Whiskers? Coconut slivers. The mouth? Molded chocolate dough with a slight strawberry frosting glaze for colour. Nose? A FUCKING RAISIN BECAUSE SOMETHING ON THIS BITCH HAD TO BE HEALTHY.

James claims it was fucking delicious which is good because if he told me otherwise after I spent that long on a damned cookie for him the inside of the walls would probably be lined with fresh meat right now. I'm sure I'm a totally safe person to live with.

First "First" post about something validly postable?

Fuck me that's a long title for a "first" post, is this a first post or is the first post I made the first post since it basically just reiterates something I've already said? In that case it's a redundancy post, right? RIGHT?

Well anyway, when your brain stops smoking I imagine you'll keep reading.. That or a vein has just burst in your skull and you're currently dying a blood-gurgling death. I truly hope that isn't the case, at least. So whatever this post is classified as, it's kind of a reiteration as well. I wanted to re-tell a story to start my blog off, well.. To really start it off with a "first" post that's a first post and.. Oh FUCK IT'S PULLING ME BACK IN!

NOW THEN.. A few weeks ago I got a bag of cereal. It was good cereal, I munched slowly on it over the span of several weeks ( I'm being redundant again, aren't I? ) because I don't eat much and frankly that shit is bad for you and the closest thing to candy that I'll actually eat even in small quantities. I'd have a bite here, a bite there, but I really just ate a few pieces of the cereal bits from time to time.. Then the thought crossed my mind.. These marshmallow things I keep avoiding, they're delicious; I know they are.. They're horrible for me, but they taste nice so I wanted to preserve them. Preserve them, I thought.. Yes.. In a special way, emphasis on special because I was about to conceive a border-line psychotic thought which fringed on complete and perhaps crossed over into complete and utter mental instability. Jade, I thought; what if you picked each and every little marshmallow out of the cereal as you slowly worked at it and placed them in their own bowl, not eating them but saving them until they were all together in one glorious and unfathomable bowl of awesome. Why Jade, I thought; you crazy bitch why are you talking to yourself!? Anyway.. Yes, that's an excellent if slightly obsessive idea. LETS FUCKIN' DO IT! So lo-and-behold, on my journey I began.

A weeks worth of work looked rather epic, I couldn't neglect photographing it for posterity and frankly felt a little pride swell in my gullet as I looked upon the rather strange sight before me. I'd never seen anything like it before..

But there must be more, I thought. This can't be the end of this bowl, no.. It must grow. GROW LARGER AND MORE AGGRESSIVELY INTRUSIVE AHAHAHAHA! Then I slapped myself in the face because I was starting to hyper-ventilate and frankly the talking to myself in my own head was starting to freak me out a bit. I was starting to answer.

So a week worth of work eventually grew into about two and a half weeks worth of work and I had finally completed my task with the final few crowning marshmallows upon a huge bowl. By the way, huge? It doesn't begin to describe this freakish bowl. It is three and a half of the small normal-sized blue bowls stacked high and several times larger in diameter. It is truly an impressive sight.

So yes, here sat in all it's primal and majestic uh.. Majesty.. Fucking redundancy haunts me, I swear.. Anyway.. The biggest, most epic, most awesome-ess, most delicious and inviting bowl of win that ever existed. I'm pretty sure I might be the first person to ever have done this, I might also be the only person even willing to do something like this and subsequently I might also be in need of prescription medication..

"First" Post

So yea, right. I'm sick and tired of Facebook, mostly due to the random-ass friends requests I get typically from horny middle-aged men who are named things like hairy4u and looking for a fuck buddy that could be their daughter and also mostly due to the fact that although I rarely post there when I do I'm typically ignored or feel largely ignored and wonder what the fuck the point is of being on a 'social networking' site when no one on my friends list actually seems to give a damn about what I have to say/post because they never socialize with me. SO I said, y'know. I don't want to stop posting all-together, I also don't want to be constantly called back by the website telling me "UPDATED FRIEND REQUESTS!!! COME TO THE SITE NOW HERP-DERP!" in my email so I decided to make this blog. I figure those that actually give a damn will make the effort to come to my blog and actually follow it, maybe even... GASP... Comment!? Nah, that's hoping for too much. By the way, do I sound like enough of an anti-social, cynical, and bitter bitch yet? Man.. I'm not trying hard enough, clearly.. I'm kidding, of course. Well, about some of it. Sort of.. Not really..

So if you give a shit, follow the blog. Post comments if you want, I don't really give a crap. I'm gonna be posting here on my time when I want to rather than being harassed by some damned automated Facebook page asking me to add some bastard I've never met that'll never say a single fucking word to me the whole time they're on my friends list. So yeah, also. Here shamelessly I'll request promotion, if you start following my blog; post it around. Get others to come, you'll get brownie points that are completely non-fucking-existent and count for jack-shit but at least you'll have them in your own mind, that's the best type of thing to have, you know? At least that's what I hear.

Basically TL;DR: PROMOTE ME BITCHES, EARN PRETEND POINTS THAT EXIST IN MY HEAD AND CAN EXIST IN YOURS TOO! I'M SICK OF FACEBOOK AND FORTY-YEAR OLDS WITH MORE BODY HAIR THAN A BEAR! READ RANDOM SHIT HERE, IT'S GOOD. REAAAAAAL GOOOOOOOD!