Truly some Retro Rations may be the run of the mill, Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies, the common-place candy-bar, the typical and mundane candy or chips but sometimes we run across something that is truly remarkable and those things mutate themselves into something more epic, something more memorable, something that will not die even if discontinued.. For a touching line is about to escape me and a moral; as long as these Remarkable Retro Rations remain in our memories, not even discontinuation can truly kill them.
...Feh.. I got sentimental.. I feel fucking dirty..
Nabisco Fudge Covered Mystic Mint:
These were originally around in the 70s-80s and were probably Nabisco's most delicious cookie that they were utterly moronic for discontinuing and yes, they're discontinued now. With the above suggestion to those who claim these are like Girl Scout Thin Mint I'd also like to add to the list of lynch-able persons anyone that claims they were like Fudge Mint Oreo Sandwich Cookies; fuck you, they weren't.
For one while there are some similarities between these and the Fudge Mint Oreo Sandwich Cookie, there were some pretty major differences to counter-act them. For one the Mystic Mint was fucking Mystic, it's goddamn ~:';-MAGICAAAAL-;':~, the fudge richer and thicker, for two the cookie itself wasn't as hard as an Oreo which is one of the reasons I hate Oreo's, it had more of a bite but less of a crunch and that was highly pleasant for a cookie, and for three the mint-filling in the actual cookie wasn't the same shit Oreo uses, I have no idea what in the name of the Gods Oreo actually uses but it wasn't the Mystic Mint filling. The Mystic Mint filling was Mystic and incredibly good.
This one I'll never understand, I'll repeat again, this was Nabisco's best fucking cookie and they discontinued it. Just what the hell exactly were they thinking?
PS: These were AMAZING frozen!
Flintstones Push-Up Pops:
These certainly weren't very sophisticated snacks and in fact they were nothing special in appearance or most of the time even taste, these were simply big glops of sherbert ice-cream compressed into a cylindrical shape which had a little cardboard around it and a plastic stick with a plunger that pushed them up and frequently broke leaving you with a terribly messy and terribly sticky abortion that spilled it's inevitable pay-load of orange slime all over creation, creation partially and mostly being you. Even so, these were amazing.
For such a dessert that has so many messy memories and so many frustrating moments it's amazing it's still beloved by myself and others.. Fuck it though, the Flintstones Push-Up was amazing.. Though they as far as I know are officially discontinued.. Wish it weren't so.
And Flintstones Push-Ups provided you with flavours right out of fucking history, niiiigyyaaa! Because clearly Fred and Barney were so gangsta, motherfucka.
Razzle Dazzle Rice Krispies:
Razzle Dazzle Pure Refined Sugar-Krispies is what this shit should have been called and it should have been stated that you should imbibe this if you wished to learn the elusive language of the speed and heroin straight-lining humming bird because this cereal calling itself 'lightly sweetened', yeah. Lightly sweetened my ass. Just like eating Rice Krispie Treats Cereal was 'just like eating actual Rice Krispie Treats' because you FUCKING WERE except in this case 'lightly sweetened' means 'SUGAR MOTHERFUCKEERRRRRR!!!!! IT'SFUCKINGINYOUFEELITWITHTHEINTENSITYOFTHEMOTHERFUCKINGSUNNNNNNNOHHHSHIIIIIIIIIITSIR!"
This shit was great though and was wonderful if you intended to blow a day with a sugar high and then ride out the ensuing crash with.. Well, who am I kidding? You didn't ride shit out. You fucking crashed.. And goddamn hard at that..
Let me state, cereal 101 dictates that anything with colours like this cereal-wise is pumped full of so much sugar that you may spontaneously com-bust from the friction caused by your high-speed vibrations upon ingesting this.