Cereals are awesome. Cereals have some of the best marketing campaigns I've ever seen in my entire life and some of the most absolutely macabre and fucked up marketing campaigns as well. Advertisement for cereals can be really fucking grim when they want to be, I mean truly fucking grim I mean what about Cinnamon Toast Crunch now a days?
But it's not just marketing, marketing has gotten better with time almost but one thing has gotten worse as our companies get cheaper.. Premiums..
Because these days cereal Premiums fucking suck but back in the day.. Back in the day Premiums were awesome, Premiums ruled and were honestly worth having and by god the Premiums mentioned, never mind the shit you could order with box-tops.
Having spoken of Cinnamon Toast Crunch though I know what product we're starting with, a sadly discontinued product whose awesomeness must be spoken in the hopes that perhaps one day.. Perhaps one day.. It will return triumphantly and we will be able to enjoy it's syrupy goodness once more..
French Toast Crunch:
These were definitely addictive good and back when they were even shaped like little pieces of toast they were some how even better, when they were changed to the more Cinnamon Toast Crunch shape they seemed to lose something.. Perhaps a bit due to the shape of the cereal and being less 'full bodied' and thick, the pieces had become more flat and curved and while that worked nicely for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the syrupy goodness simply tasted wonderful in this shape with the French Toast Crunch. Wendell the Baker was a goddamn genius, a mad genius.
Sadly French Toast Crunch was discontinued in 2006 - Sucks ass for me because I really liked this stuff.
Cookie Crunch Cereal:
What all about this is bad? God, what's not bad? Texturally and consistently this stuff is disgusting, it's got a texture that just shouldn't be in cereal.. It's fucking chewy.. That's goddamn gross, it's unbelievably gross in cereal.. Especially when eaten in milk, who wants a chewy fucking cereal? Uhg.. And taste-wise? Taste-wise this is no better, it tastes like.. Shite.. Just flat shite.. That's the problem, it's flat - It has no body to it and simply does not taste good, in fact it tastes outright BAD.
I've never had a cereal that actually tasted like it'd expired out the box and I've eaten cereal that was over two decades old. THAT'S something right there to be said about this shite.
Introduced in 1971 this is one of the variations of 'Capn Crunch that boasted a cartoon animal mascot which seemed aggressively sexual towards the sea-faring cereal hawker. Funny thing is? Seadog is supposed to be the guy who actually made Vanilly Crunch which was the result of a fuck up with baking a Birthday Cake - How the HELL do you fuck up a Birthday Cake and end up making cereal? There's some unique and skilled screwing up going on here.
Was good though, Vanilly Crunch was a cereal that actually tasted like cake - That's to say that it tasted like Vanilla Cake mix and icing basically, it was cheap tasting but then.. That's not really a surprise, is it? You shouldn't expect such a cereal to taste like some sort of high-end or expensive cake but the fact that this stuff actually tasted like cake period? That fucks with your head a little.. A lot if you think about it while you're eating the stuff.
"And she's a friend! Open wide, Wilma!" - Yeah.. Fuck you, 'Capn.. PETA's going to be PISSED.