Crazy Candy 4 (Aberrant & Slightly Racist Edition!) & Sensational Sushi

Fucking got to love it, the strange shit some candy companies come up with, the abnormal and mutant snacks that some companies pump out that you just have to sit there staring at in disbelief genuinely wondering what sort of fucking cocktail of drugs they were on at the time when they came up with this idea, and the slightly racist or overtly racist products that almost seem like there's no way they couldn't have been designed to specifically be racist because there's no way anyone could make that mistake on accident. It must be intentional.

Yes, that is possibly the greatest thing ever like the Walgreens stand where we've got a sign letting us know we're celebrating Black History Month right on the cotton balls.. It's either a stroke of brilliance or bad luck in the most amazing form of bad dumb luck I've ever seen in my entire life. Good times, good times..

But what about candy? Oh god, there is quite a lot.. Oh more than you'd think.. One in particular is what we'll start the article off with from the Henry Heide Candy Company founded in 1869;

Chocolate Flavoured Babies:

Mmmmhmm! That's right! Dey Chocolate, dey brown, and dey big-lipped. 'Dem Chocolate Flavour Babies, oh lawd.. Lawdie lawdie loo, what we gonna do wichoo?

They've been around for nearly a hundred years and a hundred years ago they weren't any more politically correct or potentially offensive.. It makes me genuinely wonder who was behind the marketing and design for these candies because either they're a bitter racist sonuvabitch or they've got an incredible sense of humour that was far advanced beyond their time and quite brilliant. Racism done right and not in seriousness can be hilarious.

Kind of like candy-corn except Chocolate flavoured, these things were and are pretty tasty. You can still buy them at least online which is surprising because I'd be sure that someone somewhere were offended by these.

At least Heides is consistent by the way, this is another of their offerings;

That's just.. Yeah.. Haha, I love it. (PS- I am not racist, I just make racist jokes and laugh at racism. I think it's ridiculous and therefore funny, I do not take racism seriously in any way, shape, or form.)

And now we move from the possibly unintentionally racist to the just plain weirdness of Japan;

Cheetos Tirol:

I'm not going to translate the whole bag for you, I'll give you the jist. Naturally this is a Japanese product.. Duh.. That much is clear from the Japanese all over the package.. These are also Cheetos, yes. Clearly because of the Frito Lays Cheetos logo and the picture of the Cheeto on the package.. And yes, that's Chocolate.. More or less..

These are Frito Lays Cheetos Tirol - Flatly they're Coffee Chocolate coated Cheetos. Yes, you heard right.. Coffee Chocolate coated Cheetos..

And surprisingly? As I'm to understand these aren't that bad. They're actually described as being quite good which boggles my mind in the most fucked up of fashions because honestly.. Cheese? Chocolate? Coffee? The fuck, man? Frito Lays like the Nestle Company and their damn Kit Kat bars seems to be out to totally rape our minds with weirdness, you think it's a coincidence? It's not, it's fucking Japanese.

Proof that Frito Lays is out to screw with your mind above - Tuna goddamn Mayonnaise 'Gourmet' Doritos. Because Tuna Mayonnaise makes SO FUCKING MUCH SENSE - I mean goddamn, I want to dip my chips in some Mayonnais... Wait a second.. That actually sounds good, the hell!?

OKAY! NO! Just.. NO! What the hell, Frito Lays? What sort of weed have you been on because it's clearly the good Franken shit to be coming up with munchies as aberrant but good sounding as these - This is the type of shit you only think up when you're baked out your ass.. I officially want to work for Frito Lays flavour formulation department.. Somehow I visualize a bunch of flavour-ologists (That's a word, right? Well fuck you and fuck off, it is now.) sitting around, baked off their asses, making random munchies, and throwing whatever into the goddamn pot that seems good to their blazed minds.

Shit.. What a heavenly sounding job..

PS: Strawberry Cheetos. Because FUCK YOU.

And now let's go ahead and end the article with an awesome past product that should be brought back because frankly the concept alone is amazing.

The Multi Tier Candy/Chocolate Bar:

The Sky Bar as you can see was marketed by Necco and introduced in 1938 and had four sections, each with a different filling such as caramel, vanilla, peanut, and fudge - This is FOUR Chocolate Bars in one, this is AWESOME. How can you go wrong when you buy a Chocolate Bar that is in itself four different Chocolate Bars? You CAN'T, that's how.. Because fuck you this is amazing!

It certainly aides in the decision, when you're wondering if you want Fudge, Peanut Butter, or Caramel why bother choosing when you can have ALL of them? You know what though? As cool as the Sky Bar is I know one product that could top it.. Sadly unlike the Sky Bar which is simply very difficult to find the Bar I'm about to mention is discontinued.. It is the legendary 7-Up Bar.

Just a few of the SEVEN flavours that you may find in a Seven Up Bars delicious Chocolate pockets? Brazil nut, Buttercream, Butterscotch, Caramel, Cherry, Coconut, Fudge, Mint, Nougat, or Orange and still there were more! Fucking delicious and awesome the concept of this Bar which was sadly discontinued/retired in 1979 due to the high cost of production - Bullshit says I, I can't see how anyone couldn't make a mint off these. Literally I guess if your particular Seven Up Bar had Mint as a flavour in it.

OHGODNOTTHEFACE!!

Dinner:

Tonight was another night that nothing was cooked by yours truly, instead it being Valentine's Day, I was taken out. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present my plates;

The contents of this plate are several sushi (tuna, salmon and shrimp), a little crab meat and coconut chicken which was a bad idea and ultimately lead to my being ill at the end of the night... Bleh.. It'd be nice if they didn't feel the need to have it swimming in goddamned thick ass syrup stuff. That shit upsets my stomach fiercely.

My second plate was equally epic featuring shrimp, oysters, muscles and baby octopus. Goddamn good.

In spite of getting sick after dinner and barfing up everything it was still totally worth it. Awesome Valentine's day, I just wish booze had lead me to the vomiting rather than syrup laden chicken.