Crazy Crunch & Scrumptious Sandwiches

Cap'n Crunch, what's there to say about this cereal and the 'ole Cap'n (Full name Captain Horatio Q. Crunch)? The Cap'n is definitely 'ole at this point, around since 1963, Cap'n Crunch was created by Pamela Low, a flavorist at Arthur D. Little and "the mother of Cap'n Crunch," from one of her Grandmothers recipes which is kind of strange.. To think of something mass-produced like Cap'n Crunch as potentially being 'one of Grandma's recipes' but I guess some get lucky and hit upon something like this that really takes off and Grandma's recipe is suddenly enjoyed the world over.

At any rate Cap'n Crunch is now known the world over and has more notoriety and variations than Jesus himself, the Cap'n is a delicious source of.. Uh.. Well, deliciousness and could only be made better in this bloggers humble (and overbearing/loud) opinion by perhaps something like the following;

Fuckin' A, Cap'n Morgan Crunch. THIS is perfection and it's too damn bad it doesn't actually exist!

It's interesting to note that MOST variations of Cap'n Crunch aren't actually different from the original recipe, they're simply re-branded and re-purposed in the way most popular in the marketing world.. Is it surprising? Not really.. Is it bad? Eh.. Not really, no.. Is it good? Again.. Not really, no.. Neither good nor bad, re-branded and re-purposed Crunch is often simply changed in perhaps a cosmetic fashion if we're lucky but it's still damn cool and there are a LOT of varieties out there to choose from.

How many? Gods.. In sports alone there were numerous..

Home Run Crunch:

Because the first thing I associate a Naval Captain with is baseball! Cap'n Crunch's Home Run Crunch was actually introduced in 1995 and sported (sported, see what I did there?) more than just base ball and bat shaped pieces, it originally sported marshmallows, who doesn't love marshmallows? WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY REMOVED!? Why don't we have an additional injection of completely pointless, asinine and unneeded extra sugar into this already sugar-laden cereal, damn it!?

...Is it just me or in both of these pictures does it kind of look like the 'ole Cap'n is about to fucking kneecap someone? But why was the recipe changed from the original? Believe it or not Cap'n Crunch with marshmallows was awesome, why wouldn't you just keep the damned mallows? Did Crunch finally kneecap the marshmallow source too much and accidentally kill the guy, is that why?

Yeah.. "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" WHACK! and CRUNCH as your kneecap shatters into a billion crunchy bone pieces.

I wonder if anyone else notices that the Cap'n is kind of violent, chucking cereal and dishes at this kid like he's some poor red-headed step child? Man, Cap'n.. You kind of abusive..

Mystery Volcano Crunch:

Introduced in 2000, Mystery Volcano Crunch was Cap'n Crunch but Cap'n Crunch with fucking Pop Rocks.. Or excuse me, 'Lava Rocks' because we all know that fucking lava pops in milk.

I don't know what the logic behind this is, I guess it's meant to emulate a volcano erupting but who really cares? They goddamn popped and crackled and tickled your mouth, it's totally freakin' worth it and heavenly awesome. Who doesn't love Pop Rocks? Adding them to cereal is an epic idea!

THEY POP IN MILK! ....And well... Any other liquid you put them in really.. Really just general moistness but y'know, more dramatic 'in milk'.. And also, the lava rocks may jump out of your bowl so be careful not to lean too close? Why? Are you gonna lose a goddamn eye?

Careful with the lava rocks! You'll shoot your eye out!

 Cap'n Crunch Milkshake:

Yeah, you think it's a joke don't you? Except it's not. Back in 2008 Carl's Jr. (Otherwise known as Hardee's in some places) introduced this aberration and it's definitely a massive goddamn aberration.

I don't know if I approve of this or if I'm just flat out disturbed out of my mind by this, I've actually had one in the past so it's a bit strange to see this thing.. A bit strange indeed..

Unsurprisingly this thing in all it's weirdness is quite thick and noticeably abnormal in consistency however in a surprising turn of events the shake is actually pretty good tasting, in fact it's quite delicious and almost viciously sweet. Looking at it's stats it's really no wonder, I mean jeez;

740 calories
35 g fat, 24 g saturated fat

ADDITIONAL INFO: 79 g sugar

That's enough sugar to set a goddamn elephant into diabetic shock/coma - I mean seriously, what the hell?!


Dinner:

And tonight's bad ass dinner? Gurirupokusandoitchim (Grill Pork Sandwich) it came out perfectly with absolutely lovely grill lines all over! Look at it!

And of course there were the sides! The sides were a Chocolate Chip Anpan (Sweet Roll) and a baked apple! Gods this meal looked so perfect.