Companies have the habit getting right to the skinny of marketing things in a very peculiar way - I've noticed that a lot of advertising campaigns designed by marketing departments seem to operate by the thought process that burning something into your mind with the undeniable power of terror, marring your retina's and memories with it, and making certain that no matter how much you try, no matter how much you scrub, and no matter how much you scream that you will never forget the terror.. Pretty good idea to be honest.. Fun one at least, I've always said that the Major Payne way of doing things was fairly logical.
Because fuck the Bogeyman.
#1 Mackers 'McDonald's Land Cookies':
The terror I'm about to force upon you as I start this article off is probably going to fill your pants with fear poop to begin with so you might as well get used to the idea and either get a diaper, take your pants off, or stop reading - I'd prefer you not stop reading personally, this is going to be fun.
Never mind the fact that Mackers' advertising campaigns often center around what is surely Nightmare Fuel incarnate to begin with, it's a fast-food chain whose mascot is a goddamn clown - A true to honesty Pennywise knockoff who looks like he's shoveling fast-food onto the masses of kids so they will float down there - Blubber floats, right? ..At any rate THEN you take into account the fact that 'ole Ronalds buddies and cohorts, the other mascots are pretty much the bastard offspring of oozing Nightmare Fuel ejaculate and you've got a recipe for terror that has virtually no match. Don't believe me? Ever thought the Hamburglar was harmless and fun?
Then you've never witnessed the Hamburglars RAEPFAEC.
..Forget him killing you, you'd die from shock..
Which I guess would make his stealing your soul much easier and more mainstreamed..
....Fuck me that's a scary bastard.. I've almost lost the will to continue the article from that alone..
By the way.. Before we continue I'd like to question - Why is it that the things not meant to be Nightmare Fuel always manage to be the greatest source of terror and despair?
#2 The Drummer Boy:
In 1969 there was a small-scale Restaurant chain called Drummer Boy, a fried chicken place that wasn't around for long and left virtually no trace. Only a few images exist digital or otherwise that evidence it's existence and that's probably for the best because the true gut-wrenching terror that was the Drummer Boy is the sort of abominable aberration that should not be.
There should be fucking laws of reality against shit like this. Their advertising mascot? Try this on for size..
Maybe that's why the advertisement is damaged? Some wise soul realized it's wicked power and sought to prevent it from claiming more victims.
..All that is Holy and good help us if this thing is ever restored.. It's like someone took the concept of the Gozer Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, filled it full of terror venom, and straight lined it with PCP and speed laced crack cocaine.. Fuuuck off..
#3 Mr. Clean:
...Nothing scary about that at least until you start marketing products that are meant to advertise him and plaster his face elsewhere. You know those stories, horror stories of like masks that once put on start to overpower their wearer and possess them with their unholy power and presence?
...Yeah, I think we found one..
Let me state with no exaggeration that if this thing were even in the same room as me I'd proceed to completely flip my shit and attack it with reckless fucking full-on psychotic abandon in an attempt to destroy whatever over powering evil is present within. LOOK AT IT, IT GODDAMN OOZES EVIL.
This thing gives the feeling of the deepest, darkest, and blackest Hell - The emptiness of the eyes whereas it lacks them is like it's cutting straight into my damned soul and believe me.. After making eye-contact with even this things photograph I feel like my soul is most certainly damned or in threat of being damned by this things unholy power.
WHY oh WHY would you create something like this? Was the logic behind it 'Put the fear of the Clean in them so they buy the product in an attempt to appease the terrible Satan Clean'? ...Shit guys.. Come on..