Crazy Crunch 5 & Meaty Magnificence

We have established in the past that Cap'n Crunch has had no shortage of products throughout the years, no shortage of variation and no shortage of surprising originality. Cap'n Crunch is a brand name product that I actually enjoy because of how varied it actually is, few products can boast to have as many different types and variations so I'm definitely into it.

Of course some people hate Cap'n Crunch because of the claim that it cuts the roof of your mouth and throat, I've never really had that problem unless I really tried to cut my mouth with the cereal by smashing the berries and cereal pieces against the roof of my mouth and in that case, dumb asses deserve to have cut mouths..

The Cap'n, Mr. Horatio Crunch is a rather good mascot as well.. Able to look doped to hell and back, flat psychotic or just like an old dude in a Captains Costume, he's a pretty neato fella and I really dig him..

Holiday Crunch:

Christmas and Halloween Crunch are the two big Holiday Crunch's and are awesome if I do say so myself, particularly the Halloween Crunch which features the Cap'n evidently having turned into some freak-show half werewolf thing and alternatively a toilet paper wrapped retarded.. It's interesting that on both boxes art-work the Cap'n is in the same pose, they just changed his damn outfit slightly.. Whatever, I guess that can be forgiven.. I mean after all, Halloween Crunch turns your milk fucking green, that's awesome.

Christmas Crunch is a little less inspired featuring the Cap'n in the cliche Santa garb and having grown a strange sort of neck-beard giant sentient mutton chop thing.. What the fuck is with that? You notice it's completely off his damn chin? Whatever again..

Christmas Crunch isn't that cool really, tastes like normal Cap'n Crunch and doesn't change the colours of your milk so that's kind of disappointing and in the end like in real life Halloween proves to be better than Christmas which is why I think many Christians feel so threatened by Halloween. Such a bad ass Holiday could easily over-shadow a lesser and less awesome one..

It does occur to me though that Christmas Crunch by the shapes of it's cereal pieces is considerably more dangerous to your mouth and person than normal Crunch or Halloween Crunch, I mean there's basically a goddamn Shuriken (Ninja Star) and a fucking Tree that looks like a damn saw. You're telling me these pieces won't shred your throat worse than the normal Crunch? Yeah, bullshit.


Cap'n Crunch Strawberry Sundae Ice Cream 'n Cake Bars:

That's right, Cap'n Crunch once had an Ice Cream.

Running from only 1966 to 1967 this was an Ice Cream and ( 'n ) Cake Bar that tasted a lot like a Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar which shouldn't be any surprise I mean just compare the photograph above of the marketing sign for the product to the actual marketing sign for the Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar..

They're basically the fucking same.

Unfortunately no, the Cap'n Crunch Bar didn't taste much like Cap'n Crunch and really wasn't Cap'n Crunch outside of name. That's not really a surprise to me since it seems like a little bit of a theme that they go by creating Crunch products that actually aren't Crunch or have nothing to do with Crunch in itself outside of simply being named and marketed as 'Cap'n Crunch'..

Kind of under-handed if you ask me..

No real surprise why these didn't survive, huh?

Cap'n Crunch Treasures:

And a recent one found at James' Walgreen's one night which we purchased because we misidentified it and thought it was my beloved Cap'n Crunch Treasure Hunt Crunch which turned your milk an amazing and epic blue.

....It was not that awesome Crunch.... Oh how it was not that awesome Crunch....

Why they would call something like this 'Treasures' I don't know but Cap'n Crunch almost needs to atone for this by ritualistically disemboweling himself with a rusty spoon. This shit is nasty, in fact Nasty, Nasty with a capital N. Fucking retards tried to make a 'healthier alternative' to regular Cap'n Crunch by halving the sugar in it and you know what's funny? THEY DIDN'T HALVE ANYTHING ELSE.

Same fucking calories, same fucking fat and basically the SAME FUCKING INGREDIENTS. The only difference? This stuff is shaped weird, has a very off-putting texture and tastes HORRIBAD, I mean.. Guh.. I tried this for the first time and while I was happy to have it and didn't want to hurt James' feelings by expressing my disgust at this stuff I knew that I'd end up having to blog honestly about it and that honest blog was going to tear it a-fucking-part because it's REPUGNANT, REVOLTING and REPREHENSIBLE.

Oh also remember the Shuriken Crunch I referred to earlier?

Yeah, these motherfuckers will jack your mouth up FIERCELY. They've actually shaped these more like Caltrops more than fucking Shuriken and who the hell wants to put a goddamn Caltrop into their mouth?!

Fucking first time I've ever felt hatred and anger towards the Cap'n in such a fashion.

Seriously Cap'n don't fuck with me, old man. I'll call a Jihad on your ass.

Dinner:

Tonight's dinner was an amazing San Shokuniku Itamemono (Three Meat Stirfry) and featured all stir fried together Fried Rice, Chicken, Beef and Pork along with Mushrooms all in a creamy and delicious Sweet Orange Sauce ( home made ) with a side Anpan ( Sweet Roll ) sweetened by Corn Flakes of all things.

Nice!