MOVIE REVIEW: (Rifftrax) Paranormal Activity

So I'm a bit late to the party and what can I say? I have to confess, I think most 'horror movies' and 'thrillers' are pretty stupid if not down right fucking retarded, I don't watch them often because they're usually and all too often just 'shock value' movies with shocks in the form of gore or sudden scares that typically don't affect me but are designed to startle I guess individuals of lesser constitutions, likely the average tween/teen of the day I'd guess.

Really the scares are just too damn predictable for me and I can't be caught off guard by them, I see them coming a mile away and in that time I just subconsciously prepare and they simply do not startle me so watching the movie is a rather boring experience and in the case of those 'gore shock' flicks well.. Eh.. Watching a movie whose sole purpose is to gross me out? Not my idea of a good time. If I wanted to see that shit I'd look up 'meth mouth' or 'necrotic skin' on Google Images. (WARNING: If you do this you have only yourself to blame.)

I recently did watch one such movie however and more specifically I was motivated to watch it because I wanted to watch the Rifftrax version and for those that don't know Rifftrax are downloadable audio commentaries featuring comedians Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbet otherwise better known as Mike J. Nelson formerly of Gizmondo Institute then of the Satellite of Love and Tom Servo as well as Crow T. Robot of the Satellite of Love from Mystery Science Theater 3,000. Rifftrax are typically fucking hilarious and this was no exception.

Watching the movie yielded what I expected, the movie was largely funny due to the Rifftrax commentary and it was packed full of your normal shite that I just can't get startled or scared by including the 'paranormal activity' which I'd largely considered to be very.. uninspired and.. boring.. It's like through most of the movie they were being haunted by the worlds most boring and uneventful ghost, little things that probably would scare the shit out of others if they happened to them in real life but really had no effect on me such as the door moving for instance on it's own..

Which is something I may be intrigued by if it happened to me in real life but I'd in no way be frightened and I do in fact believe in spirits and the paranormal, I know for a fact that many things outside the realm of conventional knowledge exist and that many things most people consider to be little more than 'stories', 'legends' or outright 'fake' do in fact exist and most people simply allow themselves to remain ignorant of them or are never exposed. It's not their fault and people aren't stupid it's often just that they don't notice little things, that they won't allow themselves to accept the truth or simply find the truth too difficult to handle and therefore pass it off as 'crazy' or 'fake'.

"Every legend, moreover, contains its residuum of truth, and the root function of language is to control the universe by describing it."

At any rate, I don't know.. Having such happen to me it'd simply seem like the haunting was rather unsubstantial and inconsequential, so the ghost can move a door. Big fuckin' deal, it's a goddamn door, what's it gonna do, shut you in and mildly inconvenience or startle you by slamming it? There's not a lot you can really realistically expect from such activity that is very menacing.. And when questioned 'Oh but it could possibly do more', I'd respond simply with 'Then why doesn't it?', I'm of the opinion that the haunting through most of the film seemed rather benign and harmless.. Kind of reminded me of other ghosts..

Or perhaps even the Maitlands..

It didn't really help the movies case when they predictably and 'mysteriously' are lead to find a burnt photograph in their attic and there begins some sort of attempt at plot which I really couldn't follow because it was a found footage film and even without the Rifftrax seemed to have little coherency to figure out what the fuck was going on from.

Aaaand that's where shit started to get real..

The 'Oh but it could possibly do more' got thrown right the fuck back in my face when not only did the victim of the movie begin sleep walking oddly (hinting at mild possession) but also suddenly was grabbed and forcefully jerked around. Now that I can get a little uncomfortable thinking about and I was happy because finally I was beginning to think that 'Alright, this is a little creepy' at least.

It got a tad more creepy when she wanted to leave, was freaking out and then suddenly ended up in bed in the movie and didn't want to leave, felt safe and thought everything would be okay.. Yeah.. Fuck off..

Aaaand that's where shit made me jump like a full foot back, nearly shit my pants and swallow my gum..

...Literally..

At the very goddamn end of the movie bitch gets jerked from her bed by nothing visible, dragged out of the room and into the darkness of the house followed closely in toe by her pursuing boyfriend that is trying to save her obviously. It's then that I should have begun to expect what was going to happen next and in fact I did expect a sudden 'shocker' moment which came in the form of her boyfriend, Micah being suddenly very violently being hurled into the camera followed by newly risen Little Miss Freaky-deak who proceeded to lean over his corpse, evidently eat him and grin happily at the camera.

Son of a bitch.. The fucker caught me off guard..

And you know.. At first I was pissed off because I waited an entire movie for a single scare but the more I had time to process it and really rationalize and consider what had happened throughout the movie the more I began to think of the movie as genuinely fairly scary.

This isn't a bad one, it's not even a shocker. You need to see it from start to finish and think about it to truly appreciate it but for those who do and actually think about it and consider themselves in the situation this is a pretty freaky goddamn movie.

I'd give the normal movie 7.2/10 Big Cat Paws which is above average for any horror movie I'll ever review even if this is the first time and 9.2/10 for the Rifftrax. Frankly those guys added humour to the movie which while out of place was just too good to pass up and totally worth it.

Dinner:

Dinner tonight is a simple dish, Shiro no Fire (White Fish Filet) and is a nicely pan-seared White Fish Filet with a delicious Oyster Japanese Tartar Sauce (home-made), two pan-seared Mushrooms and a bed of steamed White Rice with Sweet Peas! Yum! Accompanying it is a nice Double Sweet Anpan (Sweet Roll) and all in all James really seemed to enjoy this dish so I think I did good if I was to guess!