Toys, toys, toys and more toys! I love toys, I'm a child at heart.. A profane and loud-mouthed child but a child nevertheless and a lover of all things toy.
Of course in the late 80s and early to mid 90s the big toys for boys were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Batman, both of which had hundreds and hundreds of incarnations in where either the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be differently themed (Space, Music, Army etc) and Batman had of course his ton of gadgets and tech. This was a booming time that introduced many interesting toy variations and versions and some that just kind of made you scratch your head in confusion.
Guns are against your Code of Honour but Heavy Ordinance isn't? ...Kinda fuckin' messed up like.. Big time.. But.. Okay.. Bat Torpedoes, why not? 1980s Batman evidently carried Bat Repellant Shark Spray so I can process Bat Torpedoes..
Anyway.. Sufficed to say with the above example there were some pretty neat looking examples and some pretty dumb ones as well but then back then I think girls were a little ahead of boys so I think the boys were a bit more happy with Batman utilizing Heavy Ordinance even if it didn't make any sense (No offense to my male readers, we just mature quicker.)
Speaking of the Bat and Turtle toys we'll segue to the first 'girl toy' of the article and what female of the 1980s-1990s child or not didn't know this toy?
Kenner would like you to believe that you can make delicious confectionery delights with their Easy-Bake Oven and indeed children at a gullible age would be quite impressed with what they could make with the Oven however I never was and never will be, anything coming from an Easy-Bake Oven by no surprise tastes like complete shite.
It wasn't until I got a little older and babysat for a little girl who owned an Easy-Bake Oven and was entirely enamoured by her Oven that I truly understood the vile nature of this toy. This toy is motherfucking evil because it puts you in a position where you can either be a heartless bitch/bastard and completely destroy the child in letting them know that their 'cooking' is terrible and the.. Uhg.. I shudder a bit.. 'Food' they've lovingly made you not only makes you want to hurl on contact (Likely directly into the child's face) or alternatively that later will resign you to a fate worse than death as it passes through your body and.. Well.. You're gonna need a new toilet.
....Aaand probably a new asshole..
All I can personally verify about my experience is that I certainly believed my obituary would read 'Thunderpot! One girl enters, none leave!', I would be lucky enough to have those responsible for my obituary to write something like that for me.
....Yeah, come to think of it.. Fuck you Kenner, fuck you for making this you sadistic bastards.
"Remember when you were younger and used to make mud pies", their marketing team says this and thinks it's a good idea to make a functioning oven for children so they can make something with their own hands instead of just leaving it to adult supervision with Mommy or Daddy who can actually ensure that what they make DOESN'T MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Mutations:
These were pretty neat though and featured a toy which for all purposes was fucking over-sized and probably could have killed a person and probably did kill a parent or two when the toy was hurled at their temple or just generally in the direction of their heads and smashed into them with the force of a goddamn brick. They were somewhat akin to 'Transformers' except instead of transforming into something that actually looked like that something they transformed into horribly deformed turtle 'things'... Well, they are mutants.. I guess that kind of fit, huh?
It's interesting that largely the reason that the Playmates Ninja Turtles line of toys during the 1990s seemed to dominate so thoroughly was the unique and strange ideas their marketing department came up with and is truly one of the only examples that exists of utterly impressive imagination in a toy company.. These days the toys feel somewhat.. I don't know, uninspired..
By the way just out of curiosity, what ever happened to those toys that came with snap-off accessories that were poorly made in factories in China? You know the type I'm talking about.
...Fuck you kids of today.. No wonder you're a bunch of spoiled shits.
As a stinger if the other Batman product didn't make you scratch your head or disturb you, how about this?
James thought this was good evidently as it lasted for like five minutes after he got home, I'm fairly certain he's been learning from the vacuum cleaner and has learned the art of vacuum inhaling.