Because I won't let it die! Because I've been watching entirely too goddamn much of re-run 1980s and 1990s programming and because that's put me in a nostalgic mood for these particular era's we're back once again to Toys of the Past, 80s and 90s era part 4!
Toys of the Past, 80s and 90s era Part IV: The Final Chapter (Except probably not because like the masked zombie bastard it won't die!)
I NEED AN ADULT!
...Or do I? I'm so confused!!
ET Finger Light:
I mean.. Fuck.. I can't think how you'd make something worse, I don't need to say it and I didn't even need to hint at it.. Either this is some case of them being completely oblivious, someone really fucked up and probably lost their job or someone was just trying to be cute.. Whatever the case may be the existence of something like this released as a toy is just mind-blowing.. It's like the whole fiasco with the vibrating Harry Potter brooms back when the Harry Potter movies were first coming out. Don't remember that? I do. It was great.
It was called the "Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom" and it was great because the morons actually designed something that went between your legs to vibrate and didn't see this going badly for them, I mean.. NO ONES EVER GOING TO THINK ANYTHING DIRTY OF SOMETHING THAT GOES BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND MOTHERFUCKING VIBRATES!
...Dear god if the ET Finger light vibrated as well..
Frankly these things had good reason for being so popular, the damn things were just a ton of fun to play with and were awesome up until the point that you fucked up and clocked yourself with one or clocked someone else with one. If you clocked someone else with one then at that point it simply became unbearably hilarious and awesome. Fuck your shins and fuck the shins of any other unlucky bastard that got too close to these when you were playing with them, your ankles? Bruised to shit and back!
..Come to think of it a lot of the toys of the 1980s and 1990s seemed to be specifically designed to be dangerous as goddamn shit, was this an attempted culling of the herd so to speak or something? I mean think about it.. What about products like the Slip 'n Slide?
How many teeth were lost on these? How many bones broken? I mean fuck.. Come on people!
Man I really blew this one out of the water and was super impressed with my work this time.