But are they still going to be tubular? This is an odd post because it's.. Well, it's odd! Just take my word for it. I couldn't really figure out one single thing to write about in relation to this subject so I'm just rolling with what I've got which is a lot. I've got a lot on my mind in relation to this.
First of all how do you feel about this new shit coming out from Micheal Bay?
Personally when I heard about it I fucking raged. Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? The fuck is wrong with you, Bay? They're Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don't fucking screw with something that's worked since the goddamn '80s and that brings me to another point as we segue so violently your neck might have just snapped. Someone recently posted on a website a comment that made me question their common sense and worth as an individual, not that this is a new thing but it was something that made me question it in a new way, their comment?
'Do you really want the Turtles to be saying 'dude', 'tubular' and 'cowabunga'? That might have worked in the 80s but today not so much.'
Fucking blasphemer! Fucking dirty faced goddamn blasphemer! If I had my way I'd curb stomp whoever said that into the damned ground because YES, I want my Turtles to be saying 'dude', 'tubular' and 'cowabunga', that's their fucking thing. That's always been their thing, why would I want them changed from that when they've never needed changing before? I still stand by the first two movies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze as the two best Ninja Turtles movies that have ever been and I don't understand how Bay can turn around, pull this shit and then self righteously state that fans need to 'calm down' - NO! No calming. Not when you're screwing with something that's been fundamentally the same since the 1980s!
You remember the first Animated Series, right?
'Course you do, I'm a girl and even I thought it was fucking awesome. Of course I was also a little bit of a tom-boy so I may attribute some of that to this fact.. But still.. And then in 1990 we got the first taste of a well done live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film which admittedly was a bit dark for kids but still, it was fucking awesome for those of us old and mature enough to truly enjoy it and even viewing it retrospectively it's pretty amazing.
Yeah..Sufficed to say the first movie was totally bad ass and so was the second, Secret of the Ooze was epic awesome as well.. TMNT III? Not so much.. Fucking time travel ruins everything..
The opening fight in Secret of the Ooze is by far one of my favourite movie openings of all time, I absolutely love Donatello with the doll mimicry and then suddenly batting the guy with a squeaky bat and Michelangelo with his "You want a pickle?!" bounce "I'll give you a pickle!" bounce and then all the sudden "COMBAT COLD CUTS!!" - Rock fucking on..
So right.. Now that I've gotten the bitching over Micheal Bay's bastardizing the beloved Ninja Turtles I'd ask what you thought about it and continue on with the article onto my second thought which was why was the marketing so inventive and yet at the same time lacking?
Everybody who was a fan of the Turtles or is remembers the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies' from Hostess, Vanilla Pudding Pies in a horrible puke-green colour that were all too unappetizing to look at and positively terrible for you but delicious all the same and let's face it.. These were different times when few people cared so much about what they were eating so never mind the fact that a single one of these motherfuckers ran a whopping 500 calories, over 25 grams of fat and 50 grams of sugar shit fucking really? These things were time-bombs waiting to explode our waist lines and definitely weren't something I'd consider 'Ninja friendly', not unless your 'Ninja' has somehow figured out how to be stealthy while being the size of a bull moose and weighing an excess of 300 LBS.
Turtles Pies were cool though and tasty, there's no denying that in spite of their utter lack of nutritional value.. But when food-stuffs such as these sold so incredibly well it makes me question why the marketing department lacked enough in inventive imagination to fail to release something that would have undoubtedly sold like hot-cakes.. Tell me you wouldn't go for this idea.. My proposal? A TGRI candy canister.
You know I'm right. If they released some form of canister that even vaguely resembled the TGRI Ooze Canister from the movie and put some cheap glucose syrup Ooze in it you'd of bought them up without a second thought and kids would have begged their parents on bended knee for them.. AND HAVE DAVID WARNER SELL IT! David Warner peddling candy Ooze would be AWESOME! ...Sadly no real Mutagen or Ooze related products were or ever have been released so far to my knowledge except for these two uninspired iterations..
And with these I really have to question, really? ...A 'Mutagen Bar' and a 'Toxic Ooze' with no real shape to the container? You couldn't make that a TGRI Canister? Because it totally would have sold better if it were, trust me.
No but sadly no Canister candy has ever been sold which is a crying shame because I'd love to own even a vague replica of a TGRI Canister and truth be told eating slime out of one would be pretty awesome.. Also I question the intelligence behind naming something meant to be edible for children 'Toxic', things usually say 'non-toxic' for a reason, specifically naming something even in jest 'Toxic' seems unwise to me.. I dunno.. Then again they're allowing Bay to make the Turtles GODDAMN ALIENS! UHHHNRRAAAHHGHH!!!
After the bit of rage you know one of the coolest tie-in items I've ever seen for the Turtles?
Yeah, I don't think anyone can deny.. That's pretty damn awesome.
And it's so damn pretty too!