NOTE: We're using the term 'retro' rather broadly for this article.
Had to do a second article, had to. This is a fun subject to write about because the past is so abundant with examples of tie-in cereals and as mentioned some of them were good and some were flat out bad but almost universally tie-in cereals are fun.
They're sold solely as a way to nickle and dime the people of the world, selling a cereal based largely off the name on the box and the theme it follows but still.. It's the type of soulless corporate marketing I can actually get behind because it's fun and it's actually cool, I like that. If you're going to try and bullshit me for my money at least put some effort into it and make it amusing for me, if I'm amused I can overlook the bullshitting.
...Usually at least.. I admit I get pretty pissed when one of these companies makes a tie-in cereal that isn't unique in the least, is a re-purposed product with only the name on the box and typically tastes like shite. If you're going to do this tie-in thing at the very least make the cereal edible and enjoyable, don't make it some box of fucking dog-food that no one wants to eat and anyone who buys is instantly disappointed in.. There's nothing worse than being disappointed by something that's supposed to be fun.
We start with the first product on our list which was sort of a disappointment and yet.. At the same time..
Prince of Thieves Cereal (1991):
This cereal was released as mentioned in 1991 and believe it or not in spite of the shitty box art and the low quality of the.. Well.. Everything.. It was released in conjunction with the movie starring Kevin Costner "Prince of Thieves" which is the well known story of Robin Hood featuring everyone's favourite crazy magic-slinging freak (at least as he's known today), Professor Snape AKA Alan Rickman and also y'know.. Kevin Costner as Robin Hood and Morgan Freeman as Azeem but who really cares about them?
Oh yeah.. And the nightmare fuel freaky deak of a Mother, Geraldine McKeown;
Bitch gave me such fucking nightmares I swear. Holy fucking balls and her final scene retrospectively is hilarious but at the time I first saw it actually gave me shivers.
Aaanyway.. Looking at the cereal I suppose you can guess what I'm going to touch upon.. Not only was this cereal nothing particularly special, in fact it kind of sucked.. But also.. Take a look at those pieces and tell me you genuinely think 'arrow' when you see them.. Yeah, fuck off.. Your mind is no more clean or pure than mine is, the natural thought that rises to mind when looking at those is universal.
Again unsurprisingly this came from the cereal tie-in King of the time, Ralston. Unsurprisingly as well it was a rather bad cereal, not bland but sweet to the point of being tooth-achingly so. This shit would rot your teeth faster than you could say 'root canal'.
Batman Returns Cereal (1992):
And in 1992 Ralston finally did one right with the Batman Returns cereal released of course in conjunction with the movie which was rated PG-13 but let's face it.. We all question how the fuck they got away with a rating like that and marketed this damn movie towards kids because honestly this movie was probably R material. This movie was downright fucking blatantly dark and seriously messed up.
Be it scenes of Penguin munching on raw and quite fresh fish, blood gushing out as he ate them, nearly biting some poor reporters goddamn nose off or the famous coup de grace kiss at the end of the movie between Selina Kyle, Shrek and a nice high voltage wire this movie was fucking violent and seriously whacked for being PG-13.
Of course today they'd never get away with that shit and of course today they'd also never get away with marketing a cereal like this but this was a motherfucking insanely delicious cereal that met the films over the top nature with an over the top yumminess all it's own.
Essentially Chocolate flavoured Chex with Marshmallow Bits this cereal was every bit as destructive to your body as the movie was to a young child's mind but did anyone parent or child alike care? Fuck no! It's Batman and it was goddamn delicious! This cereal was seriously some addictive shit and eaten plain or with milk it was just insanity and madness, if there's one movie tie-in cereal that deserves a resurrection in some form, it's this.
Tonight's dinner for James can just rock the fuck on with it's bad self, I cooked something I rarely cooked; something deep-fried!
This is Niwatori Kaarage (basically it means 'Fried Chicken') and is exactly what it's name suggests! Two beautifully fried Chicken BOOOOOOOBS! which are placed upon a bed of Steamed Rice with a topping of specially made Creamy Spicy Orange Sauce (home-made) with a side of a Sweet Puff Anpan (Sweet Roll)
In relation to this dinner?
...Damn I'm good..