Fast Food Frenzy 7 (Subway Edition) & Seafaring Stirfry

Hard to believe I'm about to say this but Subway is a fast food restaurant chain, I count it was a low-tier restaurant, and I consider it to be.. Acceptable.. - I can't believe I've said that about a place that serves fucking fast-food, that's so against my nature as a person it's violent but it's true; Subway is okay.. At least most of it..

Of course Subways slogan is 'Eat Fresh' - Eat Fresh means that their food-stuff offerings are more healthy for you than say.. A grease-laden low-grade beef patty that's been sitting under a hot-light all day allowing the grease and fat to congeal into a gel-like slime over the surface of the alleged aberrant 'meat'. Yeah, ew.

Surprisingly of the times I've eaten at Subway I've found sandwiches that I became neigh on or totally and completely addicted to and it's rare that I become 'addicted', truly addicted to anything from a fast-food chain.. But I became full on addicted to at least a few of these sandwiches and the only way I can explain it away is by stating that these sandwiches do in fact use fresh ingredients and those fresh ingredients do their parts in drawing me in; I loves me some cold veggies.

Steak, Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich:

I've only had one of these since Subway started doing breakfast, mine removed the bacon in favour of lowering the calorie and fat-content because frankly as good as bacon tastes it's mightily unfuckinhealthy and doesn't really offer enough to the food for me to justify leaving it on when removing it leaves the sandwich tasting just as good and lowers it's badness rating in my book..

It's funny too that Subway is so strange breakfast wise. Somehow the idea of Subway serving breakfast seems wrong to me and yet when I think about it logically it makes perfect sense and seems like it fits, congratulations Subway; you've fucking confused my sub conscious - Way to go assholes.

This sandwich is surprisingly good like most of their breakfast sandwiches but honestly in my personal opinion this sandwich is the superior deal in their breakfast sandwich line. I don't know what type of steak they use for this sandwich, it's probably not very high quality and is likely scraps from something else that isn't fit to be sold at regular price but in spite of that the steak on this sandwich is still quite good and the sandwich itself just works - It's delicious.

The usual sandwich consists of steak, eggs, bacon, cheese, and a toasted flat bread - Like I said, I remove the bacon and I think the sandwich is fine but I also know that I'm going to be fucking lynch mobbed probably by the troves of baconites out there that consider what I just said to be high blasphemy - When you find my corpse covered in bacon fat and fried just remember what I've said here, at least then there will be no question as to what happened; specifically that I didn't try to swim in a vat of hot bacon and bacon fat.. At least not of my own free will..

Turkey Jalapeno:

So it looks better in the marketing photograph than in person - Much better. I've never really understood that because as much as people claim that honesty is the best policy it seems that lying is how corporations feel they're more likely to make sales but to be perfectly honest I'd be more likely to buy something if it were shown to me how it actually was in person and looked appetizing that way - What good does some gussied up photograph that doesn't at all represent the actual product do me after all? But corporations get away with this shit because consumers allow it more or less, it's kind of disappointing.

Nevertheless all that aside this sandwich is good and I fucking love jalapeno's so they on this sandwich are a definite positive - A positive kind of off-set by the fact that I can add jalapeno's to anything I want at Subway by simply requesting them. I could have a Jalapeno Diet Coke if I wanted.. Goddamn..

This is another one of those sandwiches I always alter though mostly due to allergies and the fact that I can't eat everything on the standard sandwich without risking analytic shock, choking on my own fucking tongue, and dying - That's kind of a deterrent.

I can largely eat everything on this sandwich except the Chipotle Southwest Sauce and this I have to have removed from the sandwich to avoid you know.. Dying.. Dying would kind of inconvenience me.. However the rest of this sandwich is pretty impressive to behold including delicious and tender turkey which melds so well with the other flavours of the sandwich, nice melted cheese, jalapeno's, and of course anything else you choose to add to it - That's what I love about Subway, they'll let you build whatever you want and add anything you want onto your sandwich. You almost can't lose that way.

Seafood Delight:

This sandwich mocks me with how good it is, let me verify; I've saved the best for last. The Seafood Delight is a sandwich that mocks God if there is one, the powers that be if they are, and all that is good and Holy - This sandwich is A-FUCKIN'-MAZING!!!! Son of a bitch you want to talk about an explosion of flavour and enjoyment all going into your pie-hole to nearly explode your goddamn brain? That's this sandwich!

So aside from raping your mind and perception of reality with it's awesomeness this sandwich features a dazzling and impressive array of ingredients standard with the sandwich.. This not of course counting your own choices to place on the sandwich after the fact, this is just the default which is a Seafood Mayo mix (Crab and the like - I can't tell if it's imitation crab, it probably is but the important thing is the redundancy in reiteration here; I can't tell if it's imitation or not - It doesn't matter then.) and of course your choice of secondary additions to the sandwich. Oh my god. This is tasty on a sinful level, I devour sandwiches like these in mere minutes and feel nothing - These could be eaten by the truck load.

The problem is when this was released was I think about 2010 - 2011 and it was a Limited Time Offer sort of thing, I think they were testing them.. I'm not sure if they're still offered or if they were simply Limited Time Offers rather than testing sandwiches, our area is small and doesn't have enough people to justify testing out here.. Especially not at the store we purchased this at which was right outside our apartment complex.. But goddamn if these are gone forever? I think I might cry and I may never eat or even consider eating at Subway again. ALL their sandwiches pale like sickly weak bitches next to this triumphant beauty.

Dinner:

Beaaautiful, simple, and goddamn cheap as hell! This is another dish I've made in the theme of cutting costs big time and I've utilized left-overs for the stir-fry in this dish, it is Sakana no itamemono (Simply 'Fish Stir-fry) - Nothing particularly special but delicious and beautiful to boot.

Utilizing left over rice, fish, and mushrooms from a previous dish I added them all together into a pan and stir-fried them up then as a topping I added in a nice fried egg sunny side up because it looks so damn pretty on the dish and it's so damn good. I love eggs.

The sides are a beautiful, delicious, and perfect Strawberry Peanut Butter Anpan (Sweet Roll) and a bowl of baked apples (yes, baked) mm mm! I'm pretty sure James loved this dish pretty hard-core, it smelled great.

 

Remarkable Retro Rations 9 & Skewered Steak

It really peeves me off that so many of the best favourites from earlier years past have been discontinued. It seems like a company will take a winning product and choose to completely disregard it in spite of the vast levels of utter insanity this seems to suggest on their part; it's a corporate foot-bullet it seems.. In spite of this there are a plethora of awesome amazing products out there that throughout the years have been done away with before their time and as a testament to the insanity of these companies and their complete lack of logic even things like the Willy Wonka Candy Companies flag ship Wonka Bar has been discontinued. How can you discontinue the item your entire company is based off of!? - But they did..

Perhaps somewhere hidden in the madness that seemingly exists without rhyme or reason there is some sort of coherent thought process and reasoning, who knows.. I know I don't see it myself, I don't see it at all.. All I see is the companies holding that gun right to their foot and proceeding to pull the trigger as fast and frantically as they possibly can. I can't understand it, seems wholly self-destructive to me.

Flintstones Push-Ups with Nerds:

I'm definitely not a fan of Nerds as I've said in the past, in the past I have preferred the chewy variations that Wonka has infuriatingly always discontinued - I dislike Nerds because they're tiny, hard, and barely feel like a snack or candy worth while but in this case coupled with my love of Push-Ups which were awesome and nothing but they work and become a very acceptable addition that in spite of my hatred of them alone easily makes the snack several times better by their inclusion.

Of course Flintstones Push-Ups were always simple enough on their own and they were also epic fucking little snacks that everyone I can think of that had them loved - Simple creamy and delicious sherbert Ice-Cream that sat upon a plunger with a stick attached, you removed the little paper wrapping from the top, pushed the plunger up, and enjoyed and these were one of those snacks that didn't lose anything no matter what in fact they could begin to melt and it somehow only made them better in spite of the gooey stickiness that got all over your hands.

The inclusion of Nerds into the mix only added to it as the little candies seemed to absorb the cold of the Sherbert and created a nice candy crunch to the otherwise completely smooth and creamy Ice-Cream making this both refreshing and substantially more enjoyable.. The little Nerds in this would crunch up as you ate it and you'd end up with Nerd remnants stuck in your teeth that while normally I'd have hated somehow were better and enjoyable providing me with a source of flavour for hours and hours to come after the Push-Up was finished.

Push-Ups were the best, the best says I - Fuck your Pudding Pops, Pudding Pops had nothing on Push-Ups.

I still love the fact that Fred and Barney are fuckin' Gangsta.

Ralstons S'mores Pudding Bars:

This is one of those items like Pudding Roll Ups that no one remembers and no one knows about but I doooo - In the 1980s and shortly into the early 90s Ralston sold these things - S'mores Pudding Bars, basically S'mores meets pudding meets candy bar, oh these were indulgent, purely so. These were awesome and delicious as well. Totally worth the damage they did to you with the way they tried to deceptively hide their unhealthiness by toting the fact that they were 'Granola Bars' - Yes, even in the late 80s and early 90s anything claiming to have 'granola' was considered 'healthy' or at least typically made the claim to being.

As I said these were simple, simple and goddamn delicious; holy shitting Pope on a unicycle were these ever good - It's interesting that someone could actually produce a pudding that tasted like S'mores, it was interesting and epic. But it wasn't just the pudding, the bars were slightly more complex than that, Graham Granola that had tiny bits of marshmallow embedded in it with a nice semi-solid pudding coating that was just.. Wow.. Yes.. And no, these weren't better frozen.. When you got these you sought to warm them in the oven for a very short period of time and then when you ate them? Prepare to be cock-slapped by the delicious schlong of the Amazing Snack God Snackignanimus.

Yummy was not the word - Yummy doesn't begin to describe their deliciousness but like I said they were purely indulgent, there was everything to be bad in them and nothing to taste bad. What a perplexing combination.

Wonka Super Skrunch Bar:

This one makes me sad to remember, it makes me sad to remember because it's quite possibly in spite of not being White Chocolate, not being Dark Chocolate, but just being an average Chocolate Bar with ingredients you can find in other Chocolate Bars today was quite possibly the best Chocolate Bar that has ever been conceived or created - There have been imitators but never has a bar been the same as the Wonka's Super Skrunch Bar.

These were around during the 1970s and if you were really lucky into the late 1980s and possibly the 1990s as expired food-stuffs, two decades is not enough to make these inedible, there's not much that could convince me that eating one of these was not worth the risk in spite of it's potentially ancient nature.

The Super Skrunch Bar was simple enough, simple enough and yet since it was discontinued there's never been another Chocolate Bar quite like it, it took awesome and toned it to eleven. The Bar here was a simple concoction of Rice Krispie Cereal, Peanut Butter, and Chocolate - It was delicious and nothing like anything that is around today, the fact of the matter? Not many Chocolate Bars today are even the same or even close texturally to this Bar, the Skrunch Bar had a fuckery of textures that congealed into one mass of utter win; creamy, crunchy, crispy, peanut buttery, and chocolaty all in one bar, gods was it ever good. Gods was it ever unique.

These were almost like a mixture of several Chocolate Bars in one; Kit-Kats, Butterfinger, and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups all in one Chocolate Bar - You can not imagine texturally the difference between what these were and what is on the market now if you've never had one and if you've never had one, I pity you. Everyone should have at least one Skrunch Bar.

Bring these bitches back you.. You... DOUBLE BITCHES!!!!

PS - Alternatively one of the other better candies of the Wonka line were Oompas which ran from the 1970s to 80s as well and were discontinued seemingly with the Skrunch Bar - Oompa's were like giant M&M's but were half Chocolate and half Peanut Butter filled, they were like the decadent delightful ball-sacks of Oompa Loompa's; Oompa bust a nut in you, a peanut..

A Chocolate Creme on one side and a Peanut Butter Creme on the other made these hard candy-shelled delights truly delicious and allowed them to be even softer than Reese's Pieces making them quite amazing.

Seriously, why discontinue these? Worse yet they came out with another version of Oompas that were fruit-flavoured and no where near as good as these - Why?


Dinner:

Mm yeaah boooy! This is Butaniku no kushiyaki (Simply 'pork skewers') and is a meal as simple as it's name suggests but oh so amazing.

Two skewers of pork steak and a herb spiced steamed rice make the main dish of this meal with the two skewers sporting a custom-made teriyaki glaze which just shimmers so beautifully I could see this dish winning prizes off presentation alone.

And the two sides are a simple Peanut Butter Double Chocolate Chip Anpan (Sweet Roll) and a baked potato.

Sufficed to say I'm very happy how this came out, it was made in an attempt to tweak my recipes to be more cost and ingredient effective and considering how little/how cheaply this meal was made I am very pleased with myself. Who knew you could take such basic things and turn them into something so amazing? Rock on, huh!?

Meee-Ow, bitches.

Wonders of Walgreens: Snacktacalysm & Sea Sandwiches

So yay, I've got another small haul from Walgreens, some freebies from a give-away, and a general desire to review these items - What are these items? Miscellaneous snacks really, no particular theme; randomness.

Even though James working at Walgreens now has had his opinions on the store changed a little I still think personally that Walgreens rocks. It's full of awesome and varied snacks and other assorted goodies and they have a lot of products other stores don't have and sometimes rather great prices and sales. Who can deny how cool it was for me to pick up a Ferrara Chocolate Bar for $0.50 U.S.? - It's extremely cool and they even have boxed dried fruit which is delicious and fairly healthy for you at only $1.10 a box U.S. - This counts tax.

Walgreens now even sells alcohol and the shittiest beer imaginable.

'Premium Brew'? I wasn't aware that canned dog piss counted as 'Premium Brew'. - I guess it doesn't help that I don't like beer to begin with but this shit is like a relationship ending bomb, give this to someone you love and care about if you no longer love and care about them because after one of these they won't love or care about you.

But then some of their items are awesome and totally make up for it.. They should be thankful for that because of the one sip of Big Flats I've had they almost lost me as a customer.. I almost wanted to burn the whole damned store down for selling something that horrid tasting..


Stacy's Cinnamon Sugar Pita Chips:

Okay now, this little entry came from Walgreens itself and.. Well.. It definitely doesn't make up for the Big Flats, if anything it kind of adds to Walgreens relatively small list of transgressions against me I feel are quite personal.

I've heard a lot of people saying these are great and how enthusiastic they were about these, I frankly don't understand it. In my personal opinion these are shite, they're cardboard with cinnamon and sugar on it - Not even just cardboard, when I ate these their consistency was.. Well.. Difficult to describe, the best I can come up with that I feel fits is that these are heavy, way too thick, and fucking hard - They're not like any chips I've ever had but I guess that's because they're 'Pita Chips'; apparently Pita Chips suck. Not even the cinnamon sugar on these things is good, it tasted bland and under-pronounced, it was like it was barely there and you were just left with a stiff and crusty piece of cardboard that unpleasantly crunched in your mouth - It's rare for something to 'unpleasantly crunch' but these fucking manage it and are quite unnerving and displeasing to eat..

Alternatively holy fucking cock shit but for something claiming to be a healthy alternative these are the exact opposite, they're incredibly unhealthy for you. Seven tiny chips for 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, and hardly a single gram of fiber. Fuck that. These are not any where near good enough to warrant the damage they do.

Flavour Morph Starburst:

So cool story.. Recently Starburst offered a new promotion via their FaceBook page, in spite of my promises to delete my account and never use it again I've opted to compromise and meet myself halfway to simply never actually 'use' it again. However I will manipulate it in order to receive freebies such as these where Starbursts promotion involved them giving away free packs of their new Flavour Morph Starburst candies. What's better than free candy?

...Nothing.. What are you goddamn stupid?

..At any rate after much waiting my prophesied candy finally arrived in all it's glory! Woohoo!

I'm not really impressed by the packaging, let me say that to begin with. It's a marketing flop because it looks just like regular Starburst - Are you really expecting something to sell off the premise of being different when it doesn't look different? Come on. At any rate, there are two flavours featured in the packs I received and I'm not sure if they come in any other flavour other than the flavours I received and I got two of them.. Three if you count the one I got for James.

The flavours I received were Cherry to Cherry Lime and Orange to Orange Strawberry and to be honest when I first opened this package given it's uninspired appearance I didn't hold much hope on their gimmick actually being something they'd be able to pull off; I was wrong. Thankfully I was wrong - The point in fact is that these did actually change flavours and they're very strong and very sweet; I like it! I like it because it's a flavour 'punch', it goes from a solid cherry or orange and genuinely changed to Cherry Lime or Orange Strawberry, you could really tell the difference. Holy felonious flounders, Batman! It's actually awesome!

Free candy? Check and awesome.
Free candy that is really fucking good? DOUBLE CHECK AND RAWK AWHN!

Deerfield Farms Creme Wafers:

And they're Sugar Free too..

They come from Walgreens, when I received them I wasn't too impressed but that quickly changed when I tried them. Believe it or not they're in actuality really deceptively good - It's a snack I never knew I wanted because I've never had or even considered them before, that choice has been rectified; these are yummy.

Now I really like wafers to begin with, wafers are quite good.. An airy and crispy biscuit with creme wedged between it's varying layers, you can't deny the deliciousness of a wafer biscuit. Wafers make things delicious, added to Ice-Cream they enhance the treat greatly and are awesome if you eat the Ice-Cream on them, covered in chocolate and given a creme Peanut Butter filling they become Little Debbie Nutty Bars, and added with a simple layer of candy-bar Chocolate they become Kit-Kat Bars; you almost can't lose when you're dealing with wafers.

These are no exception, they're airy, light, crispy, and flaky.. Mine alternatively are frozen because that's what I do and believe it or not they're really good frozen - There's a pretty healthy helping of creme between the layers of the wafer and when you freeze these biscuits the interesting thing is how the creme between the layers becomes a textural aberration that's both stiff, hard, and soft at the same time offering a new bite to the biscuits and a little more chew for a short period of time. These are quite good, the strawberry is very creamy tasting and just sweet enough, the vanilla has a pleasant and unique flavour, and the chocolate carries with it just enough of a bitter flavour to make it really good - These things have considerably sophisticated flavours for some discount biscuits that came from a Walgreens and I may have found my official favorite biscuits ever. These are awesome, they just go too fast and they're too easy to get addicted on and start eating too many.

Dinner:

Tonight's dinner was Umi no shoyu sandoitchi (Sea-sauce Sandwich) and isn't one I'm super proud of but I'm not terribly unhappy with it for what it was - It's left overs put into meal-form and it's not bad. The biggest complaint I have is that I pan toasted the sandwiches and the top one there decided it was going to crack which kind of irritated me.

The sides? A S'mores Anpan (Sweet Roll) yes, S'mores - And a serving of green beans slightly salted with hot sauce.  As I understand this dinner was very good for what it was so aside from ascetics it's a win!

  

Fast Food Frenzy 6 (Sonic Drive-In Edition) & Obdurate Omelet

I think I'm pretty fond of Sonic Drive-In's because like Steak 'n' Shake there's something intrinsically retro about them. They're like modern-day blasts to our pasts or at least as close as you can get today.. Admittedly I guess the way Steak 'n' Shake tends to blare modern-day music and the drivel that this entails it's not entirely retro but the restaurant itself looks nice and they do serve nice milk-shakes that are very soda-bar and very retro feeling.. Coincidentally sporting sandwiches called 'buttery' helps them as well, back in the day 'buttery' was a given on everything; people ate butter like they smoked cigarettes - They consumed like it was going out of style because at the time understanding and knowledge of nutrition was limited and they thought both were healthy and good for you. How wrong they were. Butter consumption back in the day even extended to such disturbing avenues as candy;

That's pretty fucked up if you ask me. Butter is unhealthy to begin with but they made it into candy - Then again, I guess humanity has topped itself against with the aberrant abominable mutant that is deep fried butter;

Yeah sadly I'm totally not kidding and I'm just tempted to give up, kill myself or alternatively just.. I don't know.. This makes me feel like I've lost all hope or rather abandoned it.

At any rate Sonic Drive-In is pretty cool and with items like Dr. Pepper Orgasm on their secret menu's they win major points with me. I still can't get over the amusement I feel thinking about ordering that with a straight face..

Blazin' BBQ Loaded Burger:

This one both scares me and kind of looks good I'm ashamed to say because I know it has no nutritional value whatsoever. I know for a fact that it's injected with so many fats and empty calories that your stomach would be lucky to come out fifty lbs extra fluff with this, that's a conservative estimate.. You'd probably end up with a hundred or more.. This sandwich is unholy unhealthy and sports 1,120 calories, 62 grams of fat, and 21 grams of saturated fat - That's just the single patty version, there's a double-patty version that raises the nightmare bar to 1,520 calories and 96 grams of fat - That'll fuck you up, that'll put you down HARD.

Consisting of a pure beef patty, bacon, lettuce, tomato and pepper-jack cheese, hickory BBQ sauce, sliced jalapenos, battered jalapeno strips, and sweet and spicy habanero sauce.. Hurr.. And as I take a deep breath in to try and keep from passing out after going over that massive list of ingredients I will note that this thing is in fact disturbingly loaded with unnecessary shit which is probably where the calorie count and fat-content comes from.. Still it almost sounds and looks vaguely good.

Admittedly that's a pretty awesome commercial.

Kickin' Coney & Bacon and Blue Dog:

So I think I need an actual definition of the word 'Coney', evidently 'Coney' is a Coney Island Hot-Dog - This isn't a Coney then, is it? Neither of them.. They're not from Coney Island, they're from the Sonic Drive-In where ever you get them so are they still Coney's or are they just loaded Hot-Dogs?

..Who knows.. At any rate Sonic seems to have an abnormal obsession with stuffing shit into Hot-Dogs. It's kind of disturbing to be honest, I've never seen this anywhere except for a couple of Hot-Dogs featured at Steak 'n' Shake - What ever happened to having a Hot-Dog with just mustard or ketchup? When did Hot-Dogs become something that had to be stacked like over-muscled mutant beasts?

The Kickin' Coney is a beef Dog allegedly, topped with chili, cheddar cheese, crispy onions, and chipotle BBQ Sauce while the Blue Dog is a beef Dog, covered in bacon, lettuce, tomato, and a blue cheese dressing, all held together on a poppy seed bun. - I seriously don't get the obsession with over-stacking Hot-Dogs, I'd always thought simple Hot-Dogs with mustard and ketchup were far superior; they're simple and good. Why fill them up with all this crap that's just going to take away from it's Hot-Dogness? This is more like a burger than a Hot Dog now, why not just have a burger?

Pumpkin Pie Milk Shake:

Right from the get-go let me state the following; a regular 14 oz shake is 710 calories, 34 grams of fat - This is unhealthy as fuck... That said it's damned Pumpkin Pie, I love Pumpkin Pie; it's delicious looking and tempting as fuck as well. This is a delicious decadence whose composition is as detailed; a hand-mixed shake made of real ice cream, real pumpkin, nutmeg, cinnamon, pie crust pieces, and a whipped cream on top with even more pie crust chunks on top of it! No wonder it's so unhealthy, still though.. Guuhh.. So good looking I'm almost drooling.

...Though I'll point out that the slogan "Drink more pie" is big time disturbing.. I'm pretty certain you should never drink pie but that's me.. That said, it's Pumpkin goddamn Pie, give me a break; I'd drink it in a heartbeat. Sorry, but health consciousness be damned IT'S PUMPKIN PIE - Pumpkin Pie is uncommonly and unnaturally delicious!

Sadly this was a Limited Time Offer so it's likely that these are no longer available if I'm guessing right. Wonder if they'll ever be back?

Dinner:

Obdurate because it was goddamn difficult to cook. This is Umi no niwatori omuretsu (Chicken of the Sea Omelet) and was a Japanese inspired dish which I am VERY proud of because it was VERY hard to cook - I've never quite done a traditional Omelet like this before, the actual act of cooking a rounded egg in the pans I have without any tools that would normally be used in cooking it was fairly difficult and took quite a lot of effort.

In the end all that effort paid off as I had a beautiful wrapped Omelet on my hands - Inside is a filling of Japanese spinach steamed rice and a Japanese tuna and sea-weed mix which tasted oh so very good - Believe me, I tried this before I served it; it was amazing.

The Anpan (Sweet Roll) was extra special with something in it I wouldn't normally add but did off a whim, pieces of a Zero Bar mixed in with the Anko (Sweet Red Bean Paste) and the second side was a boiled sweetened apple which came out perfectly. Everything on this dish was completely flawless and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out - Booyah! That's all I got to say. BOOYAH!


 

Fast Food Frenzy 5 (More Mackers) & Righteous Ramen

It kind of pisses me off, looking at these fast-food chains in other countries I'm left to question "When did this Country everyone touts as being 'the best' and 'the richest' become in actuality the ghetto and butt-hole of the planet?" because it's pretty close.. Pretty close at least if you consider this..

More than half of the fast-food chains out there in the world any place other than the U.S. feature something exclusive to their region, that exclusive product is typically something that you'd never expect from the chain in question and is either one, considerably more high quality than the standard fare or two, incredibly appetizing and impossibly good looking. The U.S. never gets shit like I'm about to show you, instead they get aberrations that are almost mutant in their construction such as the Nacho Whopper or McGangBang - No other places get things like Canada's McLobster or Japans Ebi-o-Filet; it's not damned fair.

Yes it seems like I'm of the tortured state and will remain of the tortured state that any fast-food fare I'd actually want to try and be willing to take the substantial hit to my waist-line for is just out of my reach because unfortunately I can't go to Canada for a McLobster and I can't just fly to Japan to have an Ebi-o-Filet, I wish I could and if I were rich enough I probably would and I'd cry every day because I'd be so happy but it's not gonna happen. Instead I can post about these great introductions, lament the fact that I cannot have them, and wish that they were within my grasp.

Mackers Big Hot Jalapeno Burger:

I'm a big fan of jalapeno's, most that know me would tell you that. I once received a jar of garden grown jalapeno's and they lasted all of an hour for me because I devoured the entire jar as if they were going to go bad by the end of the night, shoving pepper after pepper into my mouth with a relentless ferocity. Well if you're from Denmark or you're headed there in 2012, know you take my ire and considerable envy; this is the new Big Hot Jalapeno Burger and Chicken Jalapeno Burger. Both of which are sandwiches I'd gladly try without a second thought.. It might be because they're so appetizing looking in their photo shopped marketing photograph but still, damn those look good.

Also coincidentally if having this burger would cause such random and inexplicable chaos around me? Oh my god, I'd suddenly need this burger for the simple fact of the fuckery that would erupt around my person. Sprinklers, Fire Extinguishers, and property destruction to boot all caused by this little jalapeno sandwich? WHAT FUN!

Mackers Korean Barbeque Burger:

I wish you could see my rage face right now because I am definitely raging hard. This thing in spite of it's monstrous calorie count is goddamn delicious looking, delicious beyond words and reason.

Okay to begin with let me state, you may think that Southern U.S. barbeque is the best barbeque in the world, you may believe that America is the place for barbeque, I'd vehemently disagree and flatly state; you're wrong. Korean barbeque is where it's mother fucking at. You've never had good barbeque until you've had Korean barbeque, Korean barbeque kicks the ass out every other barbeque in the world. Hands down.

This sandwich is an all beef patty, bulgogi (marinated slices of beef), cheese, and a spicy red sauce - What makes me rage? It's only available in Japan - The fuck? It's a Korean barbeque sandwich that is available only in Japan? Fuck you for putting it out of my reach first of all and secondly, fuck you for failing to make any damn sense with it. It'd make sense exclusively in Korea of course but Japan? The dick people?

Mackers McZuri & McGrillshnagg:

First of all, the McZuri sounds fucking tribal, it's not but it sounds it. The McZuri is actually a Swedish born sandwich, the damn Swiss now officially have all my hate and envy; I want them to suffer for having something that looks so good. What is the McZuri? It's fucking veal. Goddamn veal at Mackers. VEAL.

This sandwich is uncommonly delicious looking, a ground-veal patty utilizing 100% Swiss veal, a layer of mushroom sauce, and a hash brown potato patty all sandwiched together in this.. Uh, well.. Sandwich.. NHGRRHHRRR.. Fucking redundancy.. Damn it.. But honestly this looks delicious and the fact that it's veal trips me out to no end.. I mean truthfully when would you ever expect some place like Mackers to have veal? Veal is a top quality expensive meat - Mackers is a low-tier fast-food chain. How can they afford this? I suppose it probably must sell well..

But it's not just the McZuri, it's also the McGrillshnagg which aside from having an undeniably awesome name that sounds dirty (furthered by the fact that it's a damn sausage - hinthint) is also a tempting and appetizing looking little bastard on it's own... And I hate to admit that because it features the faux pas of the food and particularly fast-food world; bacon. Being that anything like this with bacon on it is invariably horrible for you on a whole new level. This is.

A grilled pork sausage on top of bacon and a hash brown potato patty like the McZuri it's definitely not going to win you any weight watcher points.. In fact it will probably destroy your calorie count for a whole day, in my experience sausages are not to be trusted no matter where they come from.. They typically have scarcely any nutritional value at all.. Honestly most sausages scare the shit out of me with nutrition ratings on calorie count websites that range around the.. Oh, well.. F-Scale rating wise..

Yeah.. That's not good..



Dinner:

You'll have to forgive me for not being very enthusiastic about tonight's meal - Not that I'm not proud of it just that I'm not having a particularly good night at the time of typing this and so I'm kind of just 'phoning it in' and dragging along.. The dish tonight is Shoyu Ramen (Soy Ramen) and is.. Well, duh.. A ramen dish..

The main dish consists of a soy broth, mushrooms, green beans, noodles, seaweed, and sardines all cooked together with a special blend of spices and herbs as well.

And the sides were a baked potato and a Peanut Butter Chocolate Anpan (Sweet Roll) with chunks of Chocolate added inside of it. - Not a bad meal.. Just not a good night.. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Things usually get better if you just try to keep positive and press on.

Breakfast Bananas & Prissy Pancakes

I'm banana's for banana's.

Saying that has probably earned me a little pain today, I suspect as soon as James see's that I said that he'll probably smack me or some such.. Honestly? I probably kind of disturb it. That was too cliche.

By the way no matter who you are, where you are, or what your reasons you should ABSOLUTELY watch this video NO excuses.

What's a more perfect breakfast food, though? What food is more synonymous with morning meals than the banana? Everyone knows the banana and most people do associate it with breakfast because of it's popularity as a sliced condiment to go on top of cereal.. But you know what's better than simple sliced banana's on cereal? Cereal that tastes like banana's.

Sure you may argue that the real thing is better than something simply flavoured but I'd say fuck you, where's your sense of adventure? Where's your sense of fun and ridiculousness? Because it's well and good to have actual banana's on cereal but when you've got cereal that just tastes like banana's or involves some more fake form of banana's you've got something more creative and novel, something more unique and cool, something that isn't the run of the mill and gives you something more fun. It's more fun to have a cereal that looks nothing like banana's and tastes like banana's than it is just to slice one.. Anyone can slice one, you've got to really look for banana flavoured foods.

Kellogg's Corn Flakes with Instant Banana's:

Not just normal banana's, instant banana's! Which means the bastards are dried and have to reconstitute themselves in your milk, that's just plain fun! This cereal was introduced in 1963 so it's an older cereal and right from the get go I've got to say, I love the mascot. I love the mascot on the box, I can't help but seeing one thing when I look at this guy..

So Kellogg's is responsible for the infamous banana flasher several years before he would attain any great level of popularity. The banana flasher also evidently spoo'd all up in my cereal because that's the only reason I can connect this mascot to this cereal that has crusty dried bits of banana flakes in it. I KNOW you just connected the image in your mind so have fun with that and we'll just skip along in the article.

This mental image is slightly more disturbing when you consider that the banana flakes in this cereal had a tendency to turn your milk a discerning shade of brown.. An interesting and.. Unique shade of brown.. Which is even more disturbing when you consider the mascot, banana flasher, and the fact that this is not a chocolate cereal... It's banana.. It's supposed to be yellow... Not brown..

One thing about these freeze-dried banana's is also that they did not reconstitute completely giving them a kind of rubbery and sometimes crunchy consistency. In the end with this cereal it was largely a matter of personal taste and opinion.. You may have had this cereal and loved it, it might of been great to you.. But a lot of people thought it was disgusting and considered the banana flakes to be wholly unappetizing. Myself? I'm just impressed there was a cereal with freeze-dried banana slices back in the 60s - I wish it were still around honestly but isn't that the story of my life?


Banana Frosted Flakes:

Surprise surprise, you know.. Although the above cereal was discontinued in 1966 the cereal's life-span and story wasn't over yet. Oh, no.. These things have a way of reanimating themselves like so many zombies and marching back into our lives to feast upon the nostalgia of our memories.

These were introduced in 1981 and were largely a reintroduction of Kellogg's earlier entry into the foray, the above Corn Flakes with Instant Banana's although the banana's in this cereal were a bit different than the freeze-dried milk-browning banana's from the Corn Flakes..  Amusingly the box even reads "Frosted Flakes of Corn" - Corn? Frosted? Flakes? So one could say these are a type of.... Corn.. Flake?

Either way that fucking tiger looks suggestive to me like he's trying to seduce the viewer of the box by peeling the banana in a pornographic fashion with it so close to his open and waiting mouth, hot breath wafting over the length of the potassium perkiness between his soft gentle fingers.. Baow chicka baow waaow!

This cereal was kind of weird though because instead of the banana flakes being individual from the cereal itself they tended to be clumped and kind of 'pasted' by some unknown glazing to the pieces of cereal. Don't know what that was about or why but it kind of detracted from the cereal to be quite honest. If I wanted banana in my cereal I wanted banana in my cereal, I want my damned dehydrated freeze-dried pieces of banana as their own individual disgusting or delicious chunks, I don't care which; they shouldn't be a part of the actual pieces of cereal either way. How am I meant to meticulously and obsessively pick pieces of banana from the cereal if I don't have individual banana pieces in my cereal after all?

Banana Nut Cheerios:

One of the best recent cereals is a surprise because normally at least when I personally think of Cheerios as being largely bland, uninteresting, and generally kind of gross.. I don't know, Cheerios to me have always been a shitty cereal we give to babies because babies don't know any better and will fucking eat anything including bugs. This is not food meant for people who have developed any even slight preferences in food and towards flavour.. These Cheerios though? They grab my perception, grip it by pig-tails, and face-fuck it with an angry fury.

These are Cheerios but Cheerios that taste strongly of fucking Banana Bread, delicious, warm, and fruity banana bread complete with a hint of nuttiness. My frickin' god, so delicious. Honestly one of the things that works with this is that if you pay attention, reaaally close attention past the strong flavour of banana then you'll notice that the Cheerios don't actually taste like Cheerios, they're kind of.. I don't know.. A little like Corn Chex.. This, mind you is a really good thing; it's delicious and works well with this amazing banana flavour.

There don't seem to be any actual nuts in this cereal and the hint of nuttiness is very unique, it's kind of under pronounced but it works as well with the rest of the cereal.. It's kind of like they took a hunk of banana bread and shoved it into cereal. I don't know how one would do that but I suspect some strange Oompa Loompa magic to play a part in it.


Dinner:

This beautiful and perfect dish is Choshoku-gyo Dorayaki (Breakfast Fish Gong-Fried) basically a Japanese breakfast pancake - Look upon it and salivate! SALIVAAAATE AND DESIRE MY COOKING!

A fish with a delicious lime and soy Japanese Tartar resting atop beautifully pan cooked Dorayaki (Pancakes) with a mixed-berry sweet syrup - Man that came out nice!

The Anpan (Sweet Roll) featured a single gummy-candy hidden inside of it in the Anko (Sweet Red Bean Paste) which means when cooked the gummy became molten and filled the inside with a delicious fruit slime mixed in with the Anko itself and the other side? A buttered baked potato! Yum!

White Wonders 2 & Plummy Poultry

More products should be made in White Chocolate and I confirmed last night sadly that at least in WalMart which carries virtually everything (and rarely lacks a product if it exists) that the Ghirardelli Filled Bar I reviewed previously does not exist in White Chocolate in spite of claims to the contrary by one reader of this site.. At least if it does exist in White Chocolate our WalMart does not carry it which means one of two things..

1.) It doesn't actually exist.

2.) It doesn't really matter if it does or does not exist because our WalMart apparently doesn't carry it.

This makes me a sad Big Cat, very sad especially when you consider the fact that Ghirardelli is the hoity toity and expensive shit. This is the higher tier stuff that contrary to the popular rule actually tastes better because it is brand name - The interesting difference between chocolate like this and say a Hershey's Bar. A Hershey's Bar may be good and definitely is but a Ghirardelli is a different experience all together. One is weed and one is shrooms. Sure either will buzz you and have you trippin' a little but only one of these is gonna make you see a shitstorm of colours and talking tree-frogs.

Hershey's Raspberries 'n' Creme:

There are a lot of 'n' Creme bars out there, specifically Hershey's seems to really favour them for some odd reason. Not that I'm complaining mind you, I'm actually quite happy; the 'n' Creme are usually very good. Add onto the fact that this is a lower-tier and less hoity toity version of the Dark Chocolate Raspberry goo filled Ghirardelli Bar and features my fabled and legendary White Chocolate? You already know this wins points with me. Yes, I love Hershey's; I adore Hershey's. For where companies like Ghirardelli fail me, Hershey's delivers.

But did they deliver a win or a meh? Right from the get go these have a really strong smell, not a bad thing mind you, it was a pretty good strong smell; just very strong and of course like all White Chocolate the scent of the bar isn't the only thing that is strong, the White Chocolate itself has a very strong sweetness naturally.. Again, not a bad thing however as is the case with the Dark Chocolate Raspberry Filled Ghirardelli Bar this bars raspberry addition is somewhat overshadowed by the powerful taste of the White Chocolate itself though the two still manage to meld fairly well, well enough that it's pleasant.

Super sweet with just a tiny bitter pinch is this bar and that's nice. I wish the raspberry flavour had been more pronounced and noticeable but then I wished that for the Dark Chocolate Ghirardelli Bar as well so no surprise.

Almond Joy White Chocolate Key Lime:

Oh man when I saw this a short period of time after it was released I was really blown away and questioned whether what I was seeing was actually real, seriously? Coconut? White Chocolate? And Key Lime Pie!? KEY LIME PIE!? I will have you goddamn know that next to Cheesecake, Lemon Ice Box, and Pumpkin that Key Lime is one of my favourite pies in the world. Key Lime is delicious and second only to Lemon Ice Box when you're dealing with such citric flavours; Key Lime also makes me wet my goddamn pants, I seriously need a change when I have Key Lime Pie.

Smooth, sweet, and soft White Chocolate perfectly accents the cool and chewy coconut inside of the bar, it really works well together but with this bar there's a wild-card aspect to this candy-bar, the Key Lime flavour.. Which.. Is pretty weak to be honest and is less a Key Lime flavour so much as it is a vague flavour of just plain lime.. It's kind of disappointing to be honest, it definitely doesn't taste like pie but then as was pointed out by a friend; this isn't meant to actually be pie.. But the 'key lime' isn't a real strong accent in this and in the end it's really just a White Chocolate Almond Joy which on it's own merit is delicious.. Basically? If you're wanting a White Chocolate Almond Joy this is a winner. If you're looking for something with a powerful lime flavour? Go somewhere else. This won't sate your craving for lime, sorry.

Nestle Triple Decker Bar:

Older bar here that most of my readers probably won't recognize or remember, this is a candy-bar from ages ago; specifically in 1967 - I had one in the late 90s and I suspect that it may have been beyond it's 'best by' date.. Memory serving however, it wasn't a bad bar; it didn't suffer for being a little older.

The Nestle Triple Decker was a pretty cool Chocolate Bar to say the least and there's not another like it out there unfortunately. And this bar was insane, with three different types of chocolate in ONE bar it's like an orgasm of cocoa that seeks to rape your mouth with ruthless viciousness and it's delicious!

The Triple Decker Bar featured Milk Chocolate, White Chocolate sandwiched in the middle (angel choir heard) which is rare and was rare because back in the 1960s, 70s, 80s, and even into the late 90s White Chocolate was pretty rare comparatively to other chocolates, in fact it was really rare, and below that was a layer of semi-sweet Chocolate, semi-sweet Chocolate being a type of Dark Chocolate.. In other words, this bar was pure deliciousness in sandwich form, someone made a CHOCOLATE SANDWICH - Hurt me.

Let me take a moment to also state with both my curiosity slightly piqued and my being slightly disturbed? I mean someone's made a Chocolate Sandwich in both this fashion and in the literal sense;

Dat fuckin' scury.

Also... Pirckles.. It needs them.. (If you don't get the 'pirckles' joke you've never spent time in Memphis, that's all I have to say. No, I'm not racist; I just make racist jokes.)

Sadly the Triple Decker Bar was discontinued, I don't know why.. One would think this Chocolate Bar would be a product that would sell rather well, right? Or am I perhaps somehow mistaken? I'm really unsure but I'd like to think this bar would sell well, I know I'd flock towards it. Three types of Chocolate in a single bar? Fuck it, I'm a woman not a Buddha, I couldn't resist. I shouldn't be expected to.


Dinner:

I like cooking chicken legs, I really do. They're neat and they're easy to work with and always serve themselves to creating a very pretty dish - This is Hottopuramu niwatori (Hot Plum Chicken) and I can say was a dish that worked rather well all things considered.

A nice broiled chicken leg with a faint dry rub of Japanese herbs resting on a bed of vegetables with a special hot Umeshu (Japanese Plum Wine) sauce which amazingly and happily was just the right amount of hot and spicy - I never get that right!

The sides were a cheese Anpan (Sweet Roll) meant to offer dairy to off-set the spice-burn of the Umeshu sauce and a banana satsumaimomasshu (Sweet Potato Mash) - I'm very proud and happy with this dish and I've even developed and mastered a new way of forming Anpan which has resulted in neater and more well and thoroughly sealed rolls. Rock on.