A Chocolateless Wonka

I'm seriously confused.. Willy Wonka, specifically Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original movie not the new 2005 Tim Burton piece of shit was based off a book from the 1964 novel by Roald Dahl who was by the way none too happy about the movie itself and because of that refused to grant the rights to have The Great Glass Elevator made into a film.. Honestly if the poor bastard had been around to see Burton's shitfest of an attempted movie he'd have probably killed someone.. I'm rather surprised Dahl's zombie corpse didn't roll over, rise from his grave and immediately go after Burton's ass..

And this is coming from someone who normally likes Burton's work, the 1989 Tim Burton Batman film? In spite of it's short comings what with a few scenes and killing the fucking Joker I think to this day it's the superior Batman film. Batman Begins? Fuck that shit. That might be a little better if I could understand what the fuck little Mr. I gargle goddamn asphalt was saying throughout the movie but y'know.. HOWDOYUAWANHUAKILLKMEEH?!

....Whatever..

You know what's even scarier than Burton's shitfest of an attempted Wonka film though? It's the fact that some of the cast from back in the day look seriously weird, I mean.. Take a look at them..

For the record and I hate to be insensitive but the Oompa Loompa there? Oh my god they need to cast him as a Guardian of Oa in a Green Lantern movie.

Tell me that motherfucker doesn't already look the part. All he needs is blue skin colouring and BOOM! Guardian of Oa at your service!

Once scarier is the fact that at least one of the cast has barely changed at all and in fact came to an interview looking like he was fucking getting ready to play his role again complete with a goofy red ribbon bow-tie.

The fuck, sir? Y'know fun facts.. Michael Bollner (AKA Augustus Gloop) is now a tax accountant and at the time of playing his part was I believe around 13 years old and could not actually speak English, he had to have his lines coached to him. The hell, man? Not to mention the shit they put him through, y'know the Chocolate River this fatty fell into? Two feet deep and 150,000 gallons of water mixed with Cocoa Powder which quickly turned rancid permeating the stage with the foulness of rot... And he got to swim in it! ...Yum..

But back onto the subject.. The whole point of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was Chocolate, right? It's a fucking movie about a crazy guy who maims children, gets off with zero liability and goes about his merry murderous ways. God knows what happens to run-away kids in that town when they get too close to the Chocolate Factory, all I can say is Wonka Chocolate should have probably had the slogan of being 'kidlicious'.. But being that Chocolate is the whole point of the movie you'd think the product line that followed in the real world would revolve around.. Oh, I don't know... MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE?!

Except no.. Imagine my surprise when recently I discovered on the Wonka website that they're advertising this fact;

....For real? Are you for fucking real?

The Wonka company is going to stop making Wonka Chocolate?! BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! THAT'S YOUR THING, THAT'S YOUR SHTICK, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO YOU'RE A FUCKING CHOCOLATE FACTORY! RUUGHHAAAHHHGHHH!

Ahem...

....Pardon..

Yes, Wonka is turning the switch 'off' on the Wonka Chocolates to work on something fucking else, who knows what? This shit actually pisses me off. It threw me for a loop when they discontinued their flagship and what was basically their 'mascot', the Wonka Bar but to all-together stop making Chocolate? What the dick guys?

...At least I entered and maybe I'll win one of those 100 Cases of Wonka Chocolates because I'd be quite sad never to see another Wonka Chocolate again..

...How isn't this self destructive to their company?

♫♪'Cause the Candyman can murder you and make your bones taste goooood.♫♪

Dinner:

A nice and simple showing for James' dinner tonight, Samon to Maguro Sandoitchi (Salmon and Tuna Sandwich) and it as suggested is a sandwich made with stir-fried Tuna and Salmon spiced and flavoured with various herbs and Soy along with a delicious Sweet Asian Tartar Sauce, a topping of Savoury Yellow Sauce and Toasted Bread.. The Anpan (Sweet roll) is a simple Double Sweetened Anpan.

All in all it came out great and James really seemed to enjoy it.
 

Young Justice Invasion (Season 2 Premiere)

With the recent review I did of Young Justice comes a new review, the second season titled "Invasion" has just begun and having watched the premiere episode let me say right from the get go that this is not going to be much of an objective review because frankly there's not much objective I can see about this.. I freaking loved this episode..

I'm sick right now first of all, as I type this my joints and muscles are aching like no ones business and I haven't felt good for two days now so this episode was a welcome improvement on my day. It was insane, coming with surprises galore that I had not expected from new characters to various beloved voice actors.

Set five years after the last episode in Season 1 in which Vandal Savage takes temporary control over the Justice League via "Starro Tech", I called it by the way, the team has grown a good bit. Dick Grayson is no longer the Robin of the team but has been replaced by Tim Drake rather and has now become Nightwing, a character whose design I thoroughly approve of.. Honestly the Tim Drake Robin costume is a rather nice design as well, I was seriously digging both of them.

He's got a fucking Stun Staff, that's awesome.

Character designs I loved don't stop there though, joining us this season are new comers to the series Lagoon Boy, Beast Boy (who SPOILER ALERT: Remember the kid who Miss Martian donated her blood to? Yeah.. That's him.), Blue Beetle, Batgirl (Barbara Gordon), Bumble Bee, Mal Duncan (Guardian) and Wonder Girl, Wonder Girl I particularly liked because her character design makes her a tad more muscularly defined than the other girls on the team and being a Martial Artist in life and therefore a slightly muscularly defined female myself I like seeing that in animation because it's realistic.

Never mind the awesome fact that goddamned Lobo was in this episode and I hope and think he'll be back for more throughout the season because Lobo is awesome and his animated incarnation here certainly did NOT fail to please.

Oh yeah.. All that awesome AND guess what?

Glorious Godfrey who is voiced by none other than Tim motherfucking awesomesauce Curry, yeah! YEAAAAHHHHHH!

For those of you that don't understand, I'm excited about this because Glorious Godfrey means that some serious shit is coming soon and Tim Curry voicing him? Ooh yes. Sweet sweet perfection.

If you can't tell I'm seriously into the second season, this series just keeps blowing me away and honestly? If you haven't seen this series yet, SEE IT. This is probably one of the best DC Animated Series to come out period, I'm seriously having a fan-girl orgasm every goddamned episode.

Awesome. Truly awesome.


Dinner:

Dinner tonight is a first for me having cooked, Kinoko Itame (Stir-fried Mushrooms) which is something I figured James would quite enjoy seeing as he loves Mushrooms. It is a simple dish of various Mushrooms which have been marinated in a Herb Soy Sauce then Stir-fried and served with Steamed Rice and a nice Chocolate Anpan (Sweet Roll)

James seemed to very much enjoy this and as simple as it was I'm still super proud of it. I feel very accomplished right now.

Now excuse me while I curl up in a corner and cry from my poor joints and muscles.
 

Walgreens White Wonder

You know I love White Chocolate, I've said it in the past and I'll say it before and defend it from any of the troves and hordes of those who would damn and condemn it for simply existing. You say Milk Chocolate is the best, Chocolate Chocolate or Dark Chocolate and I say bullshit. You may make the argument that White Chocolate isn't actually Chocolate technically, I'd say technically I could bitch slap you because I felt threatened by that comment and was doing so in self defense because I believe that no rationally minded, sane and safe person would say such a thing. White Chocolate is simply awesome.

Point in fact, White Chocolate is actually made the same way Dark Chocolate and Milk Chocolate is made so your argument that 'White Chocolate isn't technically Chocolate' is actually technically wrong. In direct spite of popular belief, White Chocolate is Chocolate. Point in fact White Chocolate also must be at least 20% Cocoa Butter, 14% total Milk Solids, and 3.5% Milk Fat, and no more than 55% Sugar or other Sweeteners.

'Course there are varying types of White Chocolate, some that people would call White Chocolate aren't actually White Chocolate, they're cheaper imitations and honestly I still love those cheaper imitations. Many for instance and example would call Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme Bars 'White Chocolate' when in fact they are not and have in fact been forced to stop calling themselves that because they don't actually contain White Chocolate, they're a cheap imitation;

Establishing that the reason being is that Hershey's replaced the high-cost Cocoa Butter for Oil Substitutes which makes the bar no longer White Chocolate but rather an imitation as mentioned. An imitation which isn't by any stretch as good but isn't really 'bad' per say, it's just not as good.. Definitely though it is indisputably worse for you than actual White Chocolate as is typically the rule where Oil is substituted for anything. Oil is evil in food.

Actual White Chocolate however isn't that bad for you really if you consider it a snacking item and don't eat it constantly of course and eat portioned amounts.. As is the case with most things it's more about how much of something you consume, you show some control and consume only a small amount and you're fine, act weak-willed and scarf down a whole thing and yeah.. You'll end up a lard-ass pretty quickly..

Anyway.. Where was I? Oh right.. White Chocolate is awesome..

And that's why I was so ecstatic to hear when James came home one night and informed me that he'd printed labels out for a product that they were going to be getting soon. The very first genuine White Chocolate Bar that our local Walgreen's or any Walgreen's really around these parts had or would sell.. Not just any White Chocolate Bar, no.. We're not talking run of the mill average shit here we're talking pure uncut goddamn White Gold.. Not a drug but it might as well be, a Lindt motherfucking White Chocolate Bar.

For those that aren't aware, Lindt is known corporately as "Lindt & Sprüngli AG", they're a luxury Swiss Chocolate and confectionery company that was founded in 1845 and in spite of having some of the most highly priced Chocolate products I've ever seen, the shit I was never able to afford 'back in the day' or hell any day really they're also well known for having some of the most high quality Chocolate products known.. Basically this is one of the rare examples where you're not exactly paying for a brand name, you're genuinely paying for quality.

One fun fact about Lindt is that they have eight of what they call 'Chocolate Cafe's' in Australia, four in Sydney and four in Melbourne. Basically a Chocolate Cafe is a place of Heaven where they offer everything from Cakes, Ice Cream to Drinks all having to deal with Chocolate. Master Chocolatiers of course are on staff creating the fine Chocolate Cuisine you'd enjoy in a place like this.. If I ever got to go to one of these I think I'd have to bring a few changes of pants and panties because, well.. 'Nuff said..

Aaand that's how we get to this. The review of this actual product which is Walgreen's first Lindt White Chocolate Bar, not just any White Chocolate Bar either, this White Chocolate bar specifically features an ooey gooey and melty White Chocolate center at the heart of each individual piece and yes, this Bar is made up of individual pieces.

You'll have to excuse me but this was one of the rare times I wasn't able to exhibit enough self-control to take photographs before trying the product so it was nice, pretty and complete.. I pretty much shredded the goddamn packaging with my claws, tore apart a few pieces of the Chocolate Bar and almost went Augustus Gloop on this bitch.. I'm lucky I didn't because as I mentioned earlier, laaaaard ass.

Let me describe this to you.. I put the piece in my mouth and almost started chewing before James urged me not to, I let the piece sit and a choir of Heaven spawn Angels appeared in my mouth, singing hymns of holiness and goodness... Aaand then I unceremoniously destroyed them all with the unholy and Satanic abomination that was my tongue, smashing them like the helpless goons they were against the roof of my mouth and proceeding to wet my pants in wicked wonderment as the surges of pleasure wracked my body.

Oh. Holy. Shit.

These are amazing, the White Chocolate is unlike anything I've ever tasted before White Chocolate wise and that's saying a lot, it's creamy and oh so gooey right away when it hits your tongue, that extra bit of White Chocolate creme on the inside makes for an orgasmic spurt when it touches your tongue and.. Oh shit.. I mean oh shit, you've just GOT  to try this for yourself.

The Lindt White Chocolate Bar gets 10/10 Big Cat Paws EASILY making it the first product I've ever reviewed to get 10/10, this fully deserves it.

I shudder to think what this thing will do to my waist-line... Then I pop a piece and I really stop giving a shit.

Dinner:

Yay and I officially made up for the shitty presentation of dinner for James last night, Dinner for James tonight? Orenji Niwatori Itame (Orange Chicken Stir-fry) and is a delicious mix of Chicken and Mushrooms cooked in a delicious Orange Sesame Soy Sauce (home-made) with a side of Steamed Rice and a wonderful Double Sweetened Anpan (Sweet Roll)

James scarfed this voraciously and not only that but complimented me rather heavily on it so I know it was seriously good. Very happy with it.

Crazy Crunch 6

Yes, it's back! Back with a vengeance and this time the Cap'n is taking it personal!

...Well I don't know if he actually is or isn't, at least the Cap'n isn't getting another make-over like the Quaker Oats guy who was apparently made over as well even though no one can really tell because they cut like a single hair and made him lose a little weight. Is this supposed to be a 'friendlier' image? Because to me it just spells and smells like corporate bullshit and I dislike corporate bullshit more than I dislike an unfriendly image or even an unhealthy image..

You know it still doesn't change the fact no matter how much you 'alter' his original appearance in slight and virtually indistinguishable ways that he will always look like what I'd expect the Horror Slasher Villain to look like in a movie featuring some whack job Christian or Amish as the murderer. Seriously, this guy? Put a sickle in his hand and tell me you'd go out into a corn field with him.. You know you fucking wouldn't.. If you did you wouldn't be coming back.

Speaking of dumb ass, badly designed and named mascots though, getting back on the subject of Cap'n Crunch does anyone remember that older mascot for Crunch, Jean LaFoote?

Pardon but.. That guy looks seriously unhygienic, I think I see why they did away with him.. But y'know for a short period of time this nasty toe-jam havin' motherfucker actually had his own cereal.. Yes his own cereal.. A guy whose stats read and I quote;

Name : JEAN LaFOOTE

Age : UNKNOWN

Height : 5'5

Weight : 135 LBS.

Hobbies : DASTERDLY DEEDS

Greatest adventures : Trying to make my own Crunch; Trying to get Crunch; Eating Crunch

Yes he had his own cereal..

PS - Cap'n Horatio Crunch was born on Crunch Island in the Milk Sea. Crunch motherfuckin' Island in the Milk goddamn Sea. Jeez, yeah.. His life must have been hell, why would he want to sell this cereal? Do you have any clue what milk would do if it were a sea.. A sea exposed to constant sun-light and varying temperatures none of which were refrigerator temperatures? Oh god.. Chunky.. Fuuuuuck..


Jean LaFoote's Cinnamon Crunch:

Introduced in the mid 1970s Jean LaFoote's cereal was basically Cinnamon Toast Crunch except Cap'n Crunch branded and sold/marketed to us by an unhygienic bare-footed motherfucker described as 'dastardly', speaking of dastardly.. If some evil dick like Jean LaFoote was given his own cereal then why wasn't someone like say.. Dick Dastardly ever given his own cereal as well?

...Seriously like Dick Dastardly's Wacky Trap-O's or something, we could even have various marshmallows in different sorts of trap-related shapes and shit and maybe a Muttley piece for good measure as well. I wonder if anyone will actually get this reference or if I'll just be left feeling ashamed?

At any rate Jean LaFoote's Cinnamon Crunch wasn't bad and sadly it simply ran out of steam, I'm guessing lack-luster sales would be the excuse they'd give as to why they stopped making it or whatever but.. Yeah.. This was basically a Cinnamon Corn Flake and it was damn good.. Honestly I'd love to see it on the shelf again maybe perhaps sans the big-footed Jean LaFoote..

Ah who am I kidding? Give the dirty Frenchman another chance.




Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter Creme Biscuits:

This is a cool offering from back in the 1960s, surprisingly yes, Cap'n Crunch as few know had not only Ice Cream but also Biscuits or as Americans know them 'Cookies', these were something else.. I mean really something else.

Peanut Butter Crunch in and of itself, the cereal is pretty fucking good. I mean myself, I'm a little whore for Peanut Butter as I've stated in the past and will no doubt state in the future; Peanut Butter is one of my few 'crack cocaine' type things, a weakness that I can't ever hope to overcome.

You know, I'll just state this. Peanut Butter is fucking awesome and never mind the fact that the Biscuit is branded 'Cap'n Crunch', you know as well as I do these biscuits tasted nothing like actual cereal, they tasted like damned Biscuits but you can't fault them for that.. When you add Peanut Butter or even 'Peanut Butter Creme' between two Sweet Biscuits you've got a winner no matter what. No exception.

...Right, well.. Except for maybe the flaming variety and even then you'd be hard pressed to try and convince me not to try and eat the fiery Peanut Butter delights.

Dinner:

Well balls.. I don't have pics today because although I made a very nice tasting dinner for James, a Japanese inspired Omelet with Japanese Red Sauce, Sausage, Mushrooms and Cheese it didn't exactly come out photogenic.. In faaact.. It was kind of flat out ugly and I'm a little ashamed of it to be honest, I wasn't careful enough in cooking/constructing it and didn't take into consideration a few things which left it looking somewhat sloppy and messy.

Still though James did verify that it was indeed delicious so it's not an entire loss just a partial loss.

Meh we all fail every now and then. That's to be expected and if we don't fail or screw up once every now and then how can we expect to grow or improve?

MOVIE REVIEW: (Rifftrax) Karate Kid Part III

We all know the Karate Kid, even if you hate it you've seen it.. The original I mean, not the new piece of shit with Jackie Chan.. I say piece of shit, I've never actually seen it but Pat Morita is the only person that can play Mr. Miyagi and since Pat Morita is now dead, may he rest in peace, Mr. Miyagi is like-wise dead not to mention the fact that the new one calls itself 'Karate Kid' and features Martial Arts that are actually Kung Fu, not Karate which is nice because there's already confusion among most Americans and Westerners as to what Martial Arts is what that's rather annoying so it's nice that they're aiming to confuse them even goddamn more.. There will never be another Karate Kid, period. There are just certain roles that absolutely require certain actors and Mr. Miyagi or any role even resembling Mr. Miyagi (As Chan didn't play Mr. Miyagi, his 'Karate Kid' was only Karate Kid in name) requires Pat Morita. I would no sooner approve of a 3 Ninja's movie starring anyone other than Victor Wong (R.I.P as well) as Mori Shintaro.

We all also know the story, Mr. Miyagi is a little Oriental bad ass on wheels in fact Mr. Miyagi is one of the iconic bad asses of recent times and the other guy is your a-typical douchebag out to prove something to the world while failing miserably and making a total ass of himself with surprising frequency. Funny how many people like him I've met in real life, especially in the real-world Martial Arts Community.

The first two Karate Kid movies were pretty linear, their stories were nothing special but then again we didn't really want anything particularly special, we just wanted the Karate Kid. The Karate Kid was a good movie and Part II was good as well but doing the same thing three times? That's a little much, that's definitely pushing it and honestly 'three' is usual the number of doom for franchises. This was really no exception but at the very least as even the Riffers mentioned it wasn't 'The Next Karate Kid', the one with the girl.

Yeah yeah, I know.. I'm female, I'm supposed to root for my fellow women but fucking hell, no. I've never looked to Karate Kid for any sort of accuracy in, well.. Anything.. Martial Arts or otherwise but shit.. The Next Karate Kid turned around and blatantly intermingled Japanese, Chinese and a few other cultures together as if they were one by including what were basically Shaolin Monks.. Oh they called them 'Buddhist Monks', but they were essentially Shaolin and Shaolin is Chinese, not Japanese.. This one just made me groan in agony but.. Back to Part III..

It's as mentioned more of the same with the exception of the entire goddamn plot revolving around a fucking Bonsai Tree. Yes, a goddamn Bonsai Tree.. What.. The.. Fuck?

The Riffers comment on this too and for the most part they're hilarious including one part which had both James and I in such stitches we could barely laugh in a scene where Ralph's character is chattering on incessantly they comment on this, get panic striken and start going on about how they 'can'tstoptalkingeversincetheydidthatlineofcocaineandohgodIcan'tfeelmyteeth' - Yeah, that was funny. Fucking super funny.

The movie itself? Part III? It gets 3.4/10 Big Cat Paws, definitely could have done without seeing it.. The Rifftrax version? 6.8/10 Big Cat Paws, they really have some fucking funny moments with this one.. And some of the puns..

Defeat.. Really you should see it coming because.. De Feet..

OH GOD DON'T HIT ME!

Dinner:

And hooooool-eeeeey shiiiiite did I ever come up with something special tonight for James' dinner. Tonight I made Aozakana Pizza (Bluefish Pizza) and this is a home-made Japanese inspired Pizza inspired by Japanese Delivery Company Pizza La and their unique and original creations..

So yeah.. Anyway.. The Pizza is made of a home-made hand-thrown dough, nothing store bought here, Japanese Red Sauce (home-made from scratch too!), Mushrooms, Nori (Toasted Seaweed), Cheese and of course Aozakana (lit. Blue Fish AKA Sardines) and came along with a side of a Double Sweetened Anpan (Sweet Roll)

Sufficed to say James really enjoyed this dinner and I can say that I was absolutely positively ecstatic with the way it came out. It looked so perfectly flawless and smelled so amazingly good.

Rock on!

 

DCAU Best Villains

Okay so I've stated in the past that I'm the DC fan in the house, I'm a huge DC fan-girl and it's not just because DC is what I know all about, I know plenty about Marvel too.. I just know enough about Marvel to know that I don't like most of Marvel because most of Marvel features really whiny bitchy characters who constantly complain and moan about everything in their lives etc and never shut the fuck up long enough to y'know.. Get shit done..

Basically the way it works in my experience is that as I've stated in the past, Marvel makes generally better live-action movies (although some recent examples come to mind that are definitely not better) and DC dominates the Animated spectrum of media coming out with far more quality animation and animated series than Marvel. Again that's not to say Marvel hasn't had some good animation but not as much as DC and not as good as DC in my opinion.. Plus these days? I just can't help but recognize the fact that Marvel is now owned by Disney.

....Yeaaah..

At any rate the article in question is discussing DCAU characters, the best Villains of both Batman TAS and Superman TAS or at least by 'best' either the best by my opinion or the best in the sense that they really confused and amused me.. As is the case with out first villain from Batman TAS!

Professor Milo (Batman TAS):

....Wait a second.. I think I got some pictures mixed up, I know Batman TAS had some pretty damn good animation but this guy looks too real..

Oh.. Right..

Actually that's Professor Milo from Batman TAS AKA Moe Howard who was evidently a genius level chemist Evil Mastermind who not only created a plague which was intended to be released through the strays of Gotham by Roland Daggett but also who introduced an untraceable steroid/wolf derivative which he infected Anthony Romulus, an Olympic Gothamite with turning him into a werewolf and then later having to do with Project Cadmus in Justice League Unlimited where it's hinted at least that he was ultimately killed by Doomsday.

Y'know though.. Personally if I had to work with Shemp I think I'd have been driven to the dark side too.. Fairly easily at that..
 
....Fucking Shemp..

Toyman (Superman TAS):

Wow man.. If one iteration of DC Animation ever got a character spot on it was Toyman, Toyman is that special type of character that they managed to do just so, just so specifically that you filled your pants with fear poo the first time you saw this little bastard appear in the series and lost several days worth of sleep over his ass. This is a seriously fucked up little freak who isn't just psychologically disturbing he's also just plain and honest to goodness old fashion nightmare fuel because honestly, look at him.

...That first scene.. Fuuuucking hell that's creepy, I mean still to this day his little 'introduction scene' there gives me chills. They did the character design perfectly, the fucking voice is spot on and this guy just oozes fucking creepy sauce. I seriously think some messed up motherfuckers were behind this guys creation, this is some seriously disturbing material especially when you consider this was a damn kids show.

Yeah, enjoy kids!


Granny Goodness:

Speaking of nightmare fuel in the DCAU you can't forget the Messed up Mammi of the Universe, Granny Goodness.

Granny Goodness was voiced by the epic Ed Asner who has played such awesome and epic characters as Hudson in Gargoyles, Ed Wuncler Sr. in The Boondocks, Sgt. Mike Cosgrove (Hey. Cut it out.) in Freakazoid!, Hoggish Greedly in Captain Planet, Roland Daggett in Batman TAS, J. Jonah Jameson in the 90s Spiderman Animated Series and Dr. Fate in Young Justice. Sufficed to say Ed Asner is one of my favourite voice-actors right there with The motherfucking Kurgan and he always will be, Ed Asner is awesome.

Granny Goodness is straight up fucking nightmare fuel though, high octane shit. A couple of episodes in the DCAU continuity featuring Granny Goodness specifically highlight the sort of twisted torture she frequently inflicts upon her wards and victims (Mr. Miracle much?) and it's some messed up shit that usually leaves most of her victims mentally broken shells of their former selves. If that's not nightmare fuel I don't know what is.

Further that with the fact that Granny Goodness does this all while maintaining the illusion of being just a little 'ole lady, claiming that 'Granny only wants what's best for her children', yeah.. Crazy bitch.. Goddamn..

Basically if Darkseid is the hardcore boss of Apocalypse and epitome/incarnation of destruction and death (And he is, I'm not arguing that)

Then Granny Goodness is the true incarnation of all the things that nightmares are made of in concentrated liquid form.

Dinner:

A nice dinner for tonight for James, Gyuniku Chahan (Beef Fried-Rice) which features Fried Rice, Beef and two large Mushrooms all cooked in a wonderful Red Soy Sauce (home-made) with a side Double Chocolate Anpan (Sweet Roll)

This smelled quite good and according to James indeed was quite good, I'm pretty proud of it myself.

Tubular Turtles?

But are they still going to be tubular? This is an odd post because it's.. Well, it's odd! Just take my word for it. I couldn't really figure out one single thing to write about in relation to this subject so I'm just rolling with what I've got which is a lot. I've got a lot on my mind in relation to this.

First of all how do you feel about this new shit coming out from Micheal Bay?

Personally when I heard about it I fucking raged. Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? The fuck is wrong with you, Bay? They're Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don't fucking screw with something that's worked since the goddamn '80s and that brings me to another point as we segue so violently your neck might have just snapped. Someone recently posted on a website a comment that made me question their common sense and worth as an individual, not that this is a new thing but it was something that made me question it in a new way, their comment?

'Do you really want the Turtles to be saying 'dude', 'tubular' and 'cowabunga'? That might have worked in the 80s but today not so much.'

Fucking blasphemer! Fucking dirty faced goddamn blasphemer! If I had my way I'd curb stomp whoever said that into the damned ground because YES, I want my Turtles to be saying 'dude', 'tubular' and 'cowabunga', that's their fucking thing. That's always been their thing, why would I want them changed from that when they've never needed changing before? I still stand by the first two movies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze as the two best Ninja Turtles movies that have ever been and I don't understand how Bay can turn around, pull this shit and then self righteously state that fans need to 'calm down' - NO! No calming. Not when you're screwing with something that's been fundamentally the same since the 1980s!

You remember the first Animated Series, right?

'Course you do, I'm a girl and even I thought it was fucking awesome. Of course I was also a little bit of a tom-boy so I may attribute some of that to this fact.. But still.. And then in 1990 we got the first taste of a well done live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film which admittedly was a bit dark for kids but still, it was fucking awesome for those of us old and mature enough to truly enjoy it and even viewing it retrospectively it's pretty amazing.

Yeah..Sufficed to say the first movie was totally bad ass and so was the second, Secret of the Ooze was epic awesome as well.. TMNT III? Not so much.. Fucking time travel ruins everything..

The opening fight in Secret of the Ooze is by far one of my favourite movie openings of all time, I absolutely love Donatello with the doll mimicry and then suddenly batting the guy with a squeaky bat and Michelangelo with his "You want a pickle?!" bounce "I'll give you a pickle!" bounce and then all the sudden "COMBAT COLD CUTS!!" - Rock fucking on..

So right.. Now that I've gotten the bitching over Micheal Bay's bastardizing the beloved Ninja Turtles I'd ask what you thought about it and continue on with the article onto my second thought which was why was the marketing so inventive and yet at the same time lacking?

Everybody who was a fan of the Turtles or is remembers the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies' from Hostess, Vanilla Pudding Pies in a horrible puke-green colour that were all too unappetizing to look at and positively terrible for you but delicious all the same and let's face it.. These were different times when few people cared so much about what they were eating so never mind the fact that a single one of these motherfuckers ran a whopping 500 calories, over 25 grams of fat and 50 grams of sugar shit fucking really? These things were time-bombs waiting to explode our waist lines and definitely weren't something I'd consider 'Ninja friendly', not unless your 'Ninja' has somehow figured out how to be stealthy while being the size of a bull moose and weighing an excess of 300 LBS.

Turtles Pies were cool though and tasty, there's no denying that in spite of their utter lack of nutritional value.. But when food-stuffs such as these sold so incredibly well it makes me question why the marketing department lacked enough in inventive imagination to fail to release something that would have undoubtedly sold like hot-cakes.. Tell me you wouldn't go for this idea.. My proposal? A TGRI candy canister.

You know I'm right. If they released some form of canister that even vaguely resembled the TGRI Ooze Canister from the movie and put some cheap glucose syrup Ooze in it you'd of bought them up without a second thought and kids would have begged their parents on bended knee for them.. AND HAVE DAVID WARNER SELL IT! David Warner peddling candy Ooze would be AWESOME! ...Sadly no real Mutagen or Ooze related products were or ever have been released so far to my knowledge except for these two uninspired iterations..

And with these I really have to question, really? ...A 'Mutagen Bar' and a 'Toxic Ooze' with no real shape to the container? You couldn't make that a TGRI Canister? Because it totally would have sold better if it were, trust me.

No but sadly no Canister candy has ever been sold which is a crying shame because I'd love to own even a vague replica of a TGRI Canister and truth be told eating slime out of one would be pretty awesome.. Also I question the intelligence behind naming something meant to be edible for children 'Toxic', things usually say 'non-toxic' for a reason, specifically naming something even in jest 'Toxic' seems unwise to me.. I dunno.. Then again they're allowing Bay to make the Turtles GODDAMN ALIENS! UHHHNRRAAAHHGHH!!!

After the bit of rage you know one of the coolest tie-in items I've ever seen for the Turtles?

Yeah, I don't think anyone can deny.. That's pretty damn awesome.

Dinner:

Tonight's dinner for James was Niwatori Ga Men Itame (Chicken Stir-Fried Noodles) and is a dish of beautifully stir-fried Noodles with Mushrooms and various Spices and a wonderfully pan seared Chicken cooked in a Caramelized Soy Red Sauce (home-made) and tasting it myself let me say DAMN this was good. The side Anpan (Sweet Roll) was a Apple Cinnamon Anpan and all in all James seemed to really enjoy this so I couldn't be more pleased.

And it's so damn pretty too!
 

Walgreens Foam Firearms

You know what? Fuck anyone that doesn't like Nerf, Nerf is awesome and Nerf always will be awesome. I remember these things as over priced ways for boys to pelt each other with non-harmful projectiles and never really understood them until very recently. These toys aren't just for boys, these are for girls too. These are for eeeveryone.

Especially these kick-ass fucking Nerf swords which I totally need one of at some point in my life because face it.. Being able to take a sword to James and not kill him would be the most awesome thing in the world and frankly Nerf hit home with something like this, I goddamn want one..

It's interesting to note that Nerf has some pretty bad ass designs, their stuff is certainly not suffering for lack of inspiration or uniqueness. Most Nerf weapons look like completely awesome versions of something otherwise bland looking in comparison in real life and I don't even mind the fact that they over use colours like yellow and shit, who cares? They're motherfucking aaawesome.

That's why I was so happy and y'know what before I continue this sentence let me state, you know how you know when someone really loves you?

You know when they bring you a gift home that's totally pointless, you know when a loved one buys you something like a toy as a gift that you're really cared about because what better way to say 'I love you' than giving a loved one something designed solely for enjoyment and fun? Nothing, that's what.

Now continuing on that's why I was so happy when James returned home from work one night bringing with him a bounty of gifts, the bounty of gifts? A motherfucking Nerf gun. Not just any Nerf gun but a bad ass looking Nerf gun that even I can't hate and I despise guns of all type.. Not this one though.. Oh no.. Not this one..

This is the Nerf N-Strike Maverick Rev-6 and it is an awesome toy that looks like a motherfucking daylight queer Revolver version of Judge Dredd's Lawgiver Pistol.

I. Fucking. Love. This. Toy.

Also in spite of hating guns with an intense passion I have used them in the past enough to know my way around them, I am in fact a very good shot even with these because I know how to compensate for the accuracy of the gun or lack thereof and the strange flight of the dart. I've proven this by consistently hitting everything I've aimed for including James' face which I didn't entirely mean to hit, I was aiming for his face yes, his head in particular but I wasn't aiming to hurt him.. Instead I compensated and forgot not to compensate so it'd hit lower and ended up blasting him right in the damn face.

WHOOPSIIIE!

These things are fun, I don't even care that I'm an adult now, I don't care that I'm female and I don't care that these are supposed to be 'boy toys', this thing is so cool.

James of course did the predictable thing, took both our guns and stated 'Akiiiimbo!', to which I just kind of rolled my eyes. You can't really fire these Akimbo style because each firing requires for you to 'cock' the weapon by drawing the grey backing on top back otherwise the chamber just rotates when you pull the trigger.. In other words you need at least one hand free to cock the gun each time you fire and you can't fire in rapid succession unless you're very quick with your hands wielding even one.. Still.. These shoot far and they shoot the dart out hard, James conversely hit me in the neck by accident and it felt like the goddamn vein in my throat was given some serious blunt force trauma.. Not to mention he's shot me in the boob MORE THAN ONCE which fucking HURTS.

I find it incredibly amusing that the package for this reads and I quote;

"Use only darts designed for this product. Do not modify darts or dart blaster."

Because now you fucking dip shit morons the only thing I want to do is attach a razor blade to the darts tip (Because it worked so well attaching razor blades to my Beyblade!) and fire that bitch at someone. You say 'do not modify' and I hear 'FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY NOW YOU'VE GOT TO!'

...Dumb asses..

I'd give this toy in review 9.8/10 Big Cat Paws. I love this thing and it's really fun, I can't think of a better toy.

By the way, when is too much too much?

Should we consider weaponizing an entire kid with foam fire arms excessive?

Dinner:

Dinner tonight is Tamago to Sakana (Egg and Fish) and is a nice Soy Fried Egg along with Soy Fried Fish Fillet topped by a nice Sweet Asian Tartar Sauce (home-made) with a side of Steamed Rice and a Fruit/Cocoa Anpan (Sweet Roll)

Came out fairly nicely even if it doesn't look particularly pretty and James said it tasted quite good so I'm happy.