REVIEW: Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Lollies (Root Beer Float & Banana Split)

Okay so I've had these for a looong ass time, I was always reluctant to eat them because I knew once they were gone they'd be gone for good.. Now I'm in a little better state of mind and place at least in some ways and I've decided, fuck it.. They're pretty sitting there but they've been calling me for quite a while, I need to go ahead and relent and enjoy them a little..

It's in this interest that I shall now be reviewing two flavours of these Lollies a time, they're Kosher Dairy Gourmet Lollies, you remember them right? The type of Lollies you would purchase for about a dollar a piece in a fund-raiser? Yeah well I have no clue how much these were but sufficed to say when I left where I left I brought my Candy along with me because some people really don't need any help getting larger and I'd be damned before I'd leave perfectly good Candy I could tote with me behind.

These were always admittedly kind of bad-ass Lollies as they typically came all put together on what resembled to be a tree made of Lollies and that makes it all feel oh so Wonka which is just awesome.

Now truth be told I won't eat Lollies in public, why you may ask? Because I get uncomfortable stares from guys, I'm guessing I should be flattered and I probably would be if I weren't entirely conscious of the fact that they're looking at me imagining I'm preforming fellatio.. Sorry to those of you particularly close to me who read that and got an instant mental image that will now and forever scar you, these are the dangers of being my friend or being to close to me, such things happen when you deal with shameless people.

At least I'm shameless in most situations.. And I have the habit of doing and saying shit that otherwise wouldn't be done/said if I had the same inhibitors that normal folks do which I fucking DON'T and I'm kind of glad.

Aaanyway.. First flavour we're reviewing? Oh a simple one, y'know I'm a big fan of Root Beer, I mean really big fan. Unlike Cream Soda there are actual Diet Root Beers available which is nice for me because I won't drink Soda unless it's Diet, that's my rule. No reason to drink a bunch of empty Calories that serve no purpose when a great tasting alternative is easily at hand, right? Well.. The first Lollie in question is a Lollie that I admit I feel a little guilty in eating because it is a Root Beer Float Lollie.

They wrap these fuckers good too, this one was actually a little less aggressively wrapped than others which seem to have their cellophane wrappers clinging so tightly that the damn Lollie suffers the risk of breakage if you're not careful and you've got to kind of wonder if these were alive at some point but the packagers or machines that packaged them weren't aiming to asphyxiate the life from these lively masses of Sugar and goodness but I digress.. What's the damn thing look out of it's restrictive and bear-hugging wrapping?

A little artfully swirled in my opinion and truthfully I kind of love the way these things look but the big question here is how does it taste? Unexpectedly it actually tastes vaguely of Root Beer, I'd noticed a general and kind of broad sweetness that came from the white halves of the Lollie that seems to be neither Vanilla Ice Cream nor anything really other than just sweet but the actual brown halves of the Lollie do carry a fairly pronounced Root Beer flavour which really hits you after you've taken the Lollie out of your mouth.

Giving these a rating? The Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Root Beer Float Lollie get's a rating of 7.2/10 Big Cat Paws - It'd be better if it were a more pronounced Root Beer Float flavour, the flavour quickly wears off and only lasts a few seconds after the Lollie is removed from your mouth and honestly I feel they really could have done better.

But then onto our next! The Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Banana Split Lollie!

Same deal as before except this fucker was wrapped so tightly I had to rip some of the goddamned cellophane to get to the Lollie inside which kind of irritated me, I don't eat a whole one of these in one go so I like to have the wrapper to put them up when I Ziploc them away for later sucking.

Open I like it, it's bright, vibrant, and carries a very pronounced and strong scent of Banana which instantly appealed to me because let's face it, the better something smells before you've even tried it the more likely it is to taste as awesome as it's scent would seem to suggest, right?

Well it's true I'm happy to say! I will admit that the Banana flavour in this is one of those 'Artificial Banana flavours' which some people detest but it's still pretty damn close to the real thing and in fact the Banana flavour is more akin to that flavour you would expect from say a nice Banana Pudding than a Banana Split, point in fact the whole Lollie tastes like Banana Pudding which in spite of it's name being 'Banana Split' I can't fault it for, it's truly delicious.

Unlike with the Root Beer Float flavour this one's white halves actually taste like Vanilla Creme which makes me wonder how the hell these people managed this with this one but fucked it up with the Root Beer Float?

The Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Banana Split Lollie receives a rating of 8.1/10 Big Cat Paws - Definitely the better of the two, it's delicious, especially if you're a lover of Banana like I am.

REVIEW: Kroger's Deluxe Churned No Sugar Added Rocky Road Ice Cream

Hah and I thought the other names were long, hell no! Kroger's Deluxe Churned No Sugar Added Rocky Road Ice Cream!!!! That right there is an oppressively long name, I kind of feel like renaming it in the traditional manner to something more like 'Kroger's Deluxe Churned No Sugar Added Rocky Road Ice Cream OF DOOM!', that feels properly ominous for no reason whatsoever, doesn't it?

And again I find myself reviewing more Chocolate flavoured Ice Cream..

Hugh.. Crap.. Right..

Now I'd recently done another review of a Rocky Road Ice Cream from Kroger's Deluxe line but that was their line with Sugar Added I guess, this particularly Ice Cream proudly boasts the fact that it has No Sugar Added, that there's 50% less Fat, and that it's Churned.. Well la-de-fuckin'-da, we're fancy aren't we?

I dunno.. There's a little bit of a difference on the packaging, specifically that this particular packaging has a lot of noise going on and feels like a goddamned train wreck of text and random colours that seem to be thrown in differentiating it from it's evil Sugar Added 'twin', the Ice Cream depicted in the picture is also slightly different from it's evil 'twin', I notice this Ice Cream is slightly smaller scoop-wise, lighter in colour, and the swirls are considerably different between the two.. Other than that I'm not anticipating much..

Though as per my mentality for expecting the unexpected and the fact that I in fact DO expect the Spanish Inquisition, you limey bastard lot you, I've in fact set myself up to not be disappointed either way so HAH! Fuck off!

Again an Ice Cream filled over the brim, this fuckers top barely fit on and when you opened it. DAAAYUM that's a lot of Ice Cream!

I wasn't disappointed, I was surprised. The first few bites of this Ice Cream seemed to suggest a little less flavour than it's evil 'twin' Added Sugar counter-part however that's not a bad thing, in fact that became more clear to me as I ate a tiny bit more of the Ice Cream and realized that the biting cloyingly sweet over powering Chocolate flavour of before that had nearly broken my jaw with it's angry one two punch was less pronounced now and the Chocolate flavour had become much more mellow.. This does however come with it's downside as the Almonds in this particular Rocky Road seem to lack the Roasted punch that it's evil Added Sugar counterpart has however that's also offset again by the fact that the Marshmallow lines in this are almost more pleasantly pronounced because they're not being beaten into a godless heap by the all consuming Chocolateness of it all.

Whereas it's evil Sugar Added counterpart had received a rating of 7.0/10 Big Cat Paws from me this No Sugar Added Churned variant receives 8.0/10 Big Cat Paws, considerably more enjoyable in my opinion, the No Sugar Added Churned variant is the one I'd suggest flavour-wise without a second thought, it's pretty amazing and I'm not typically a fan of Rocky Road so if you're gonna check one out, check this one out.

REVIEW: Fiber One 90 Calorie Chocolate Peanut Butter Chewy Bars

Good lord these people name their shit long names, I mean come on, Fiber One 90 Calorie Chocolate Peanut Butter Chewy Bars? That's a damn mouth full, say it five times fast without having to take a breath in, I fucking dare you.. Wait actually don't do that, I can't have my readers passing out and asphyxiating due to my suggestions, I suspect the coroners and investigators would find my blog open and this suggestion and then peg me for some bullshit charge like murder..

That said reviewing something like a Fiber One product probably comes with it's own risks, I mean.. You know what too much Fiber can do to a person?

Haha, yeah. Your Cottonelle is fucked, I mean royally and flaming fucked.. Literally..

Sufficed to say with my working out and all and my usual dietary intake, I don't require much Fiber, I tend to avoid shit like this because even if they're 'health bars', I'm not sure on the claim being anything short of dubious in respect to 'health' and truth be told I look upon these bars, even these bars as being pretty glorified Snack Bars, they're good for a sweetie fix but they're not something I'd consider to be nutritionally sound for a regular diet..

..Least that's my personal take on them.. I typically revolve my dietary requirements based off what I personally think is best for me rather than what anyone else tells me, I mean after all.. Who knows my body better than me? I'm in my body, right? Exactly.

There's no box-art to be had unfortunately, the photograph on the box is also a little misleading.. It looks a lot better than the actual product does, in fact I suspect that there's no feasible way for an average Joe or Jill to get a Fiber One Bar to actually look like it does on the package, I think the closest you would manage to get is if you tossed one of these little fuckers in the Oven and then immediately after heating it for a short period of time you broke it apart.. Then you might get that slimy rubbery effect with the innards of this Bar, you might..

I was disappointed but not too surprised to learn from the ingredients list on the back of this Bar that it didn't read with my favourite Peanut Butter ingredient, I'm guessing because they use more natural shit for their Bars than I'm used to seeing in the average store bought Peanut Butter but I've recently noticed the ingredient and I now know why I've never felt like I could quite trust Peanut Butter in spite of my love for it.

RAPESEED folks, Rapeseed is why. I don't know what the fuck this shit is about but apparently my Peanut Butter is trying to date-rape me with Rapeseed, what the shit? I'm not certain how I feel about eating something called 'Rapeseed', well.. Actually I am.. It's fucking delicious, I'm healthier than the average person on the streets, and so I frankly don't give a shit, I'm gonna keep having my delicious date-rapey Peanut Butter and I'll just answer the consequences if there are any later.. Maybe I'll birth a really big Peanut.. That would be kind of awesome..

See what I meant about the package photograph being misleading? But that's marketing for you, it's to be expected.. I mean they wouldn't want the thing to look like it actually looks even though it's not all that bad and honesty is supposed to be the best policy.. So much for that, huh?

The actual taste of this Bar is surprising.. At first it was a little bland, the Chocolate is a little under pronounced and the Fibery Fiber of the Bar is chewy with it's many inclusions of.. Uh.. What the fuck ever provides the structural integrity of this Bar which is not really discernible taste-wise, the actual Peanut Butter melds nicely with the flavours and only becomes apparent after a few chews when everything is kind of mixed together into a big slimy congealing mess of slobber and Bar ooze in my mouth.. YUM!

In seriousness I'd probably say this bar get's a rating of 5.0/10 Big Cat Paws - Average for a 'Health Bar' thingy, it's not horrible but it's not great.. And sadly even the inclusion of Peanut Butter couldn't rocket it above the rating being just flat-line average.. I'm guessing because their Peanut Butter lacks the delicious RAPESEED I've come to know and love..

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go talk to the Courts and find out if I can get Child Support from Peanut Butter for a giant Peanut.

REVIEW: M&M Bite Size Biscuits (Cookies)

DON'T CARE, DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! I'll never refer to them as 'Cookies', they're Biscuits. You bastards can deal with my calling them Biscuits because that's how I's speak, if you can say y'all among other things, I can call a Biscuit a goddamned Biscuit!

....Except for that one.. I think I'll just call that one Sir..

I've been reviewing a lot of Biscuits lately, Girl Scout in particular, thankfully those reviews are all done and I'm past that phase because the constant attempts on my life by the Girl Scouts Secret Assassination Troop was really starting to tire me out, I'm not sure how much more of that shite I could have taken to be honest... Though don't misconstrue this as my guard being down, oh no.. You sneaky little fucks, my eye's out for you... Seeing as.. Y'know.. I'm blind in my right eye so I've only technically got one eye therefore.. Yeah.. See? Well I do.. At least on the left.. side.. uh.. right..

Lost that one..

Fuck..

The next Biscuits I'm reviewing though? Something near and dear to my heart, something I remember from years back in the early to mid 1990s when I would go to the local Grocery Stores and find them freshly made in the Bakery aisle and section where they weren't just freshly made but they were freshly made with this strange sweet Creme sandwiched between them.. What am I talking about? M&M Biscuits!

...Decidedly not reminiscent of the Biscuits of yonder-years at least not very much so, vaguely so in the sense that.. Well.. This is probably the closest visual example I can offer of the Biscuits I remember from the Grocery Baker;

Huuuuge oversized, moist, and delicious M&M Biscuits that came packed full of these little M&M's speckling throughout the soft bodies of the Biscuit with a wonderful decadent and just delightfully sweet Creme filling sandwiched between them that wasn't Ice Cream but was rather some sort of Frosting-like stuff.. Oh the memories, I'm not sure if it's nostalgia that makes these seem so delicious and the fact that I haven't had one for what must be either running on two or actually going now on two decades but jeez, these as I recall were amazing, a true blue memory of that past that is absolutely pure..

These Mini Biscuits however? ....Not so much..

I knew right as I set these out, rather right as I touched them that these were not the Biscuits I remembered.. I mean sufficed to say the obvious, they lack the Creme between the Biscuits but the Biscuits themselves right from the touch flaked off tons of tiny little crumbs which did not bode well for the bodies of the Biscuits.. There's also a certain.. Oldness that seems to permeate from these Biscuits even though they're not old.. It's almost as if they've been sitting around for about a hundred years..

First things first.. They don't taste terrible, when I tried them I noticed that their flavour was.. Well.. M&M's, just a general Chocolate rush which over powers everything else, I'm not even certain what flavour the Biscuits are meant to be or even if they actually had a flavour, the Biscuits seemed largely to serve the purpose of giving the M&M's some sort of unique and additional 'body' so to speak, providing nothing in flavour.. In fact they were not moist at all, they were crunchy and broke apart in a somewhat unpleasant fashion only to eventually becoming more pleasant as I chewed and the mess in my mouth became a congealed slimy mass.. I'm.. Eck.. I really didn't quite enjoy these...

These are not the moist delicious M&M Biscuits of yonder years, these are.. Something else.. Clearly mass produced and just.. No..

M&M's Mini Biscuits get a rating of 4.5/10 Big Cat Paws.. They're not absolutely horrible but they rank pretty low, they're pretty shitty to be perfectly candid.

Also an idea came to me in writing this article, consider the following.. Buy 1 Package M&M's of equal size and 1 Package of Skittles of equal size, swap the respective candies packages and then give to a friend.

MIND FUCK.

Donators And Donations

A huge thank you again to my first two Donators both of whom preferred to remain anonymous, their donations helped more than they'll know and a reminder - Donations to this Blog go straight first and foremost towards necessities like living expenses and groceries and secondarily towards content for the Blog, if you want to donate you can do so by utilizing the button to the side of the page reading 'Donate to a Big Cat'.


Any and all donations received are hugely appreciated.

Horror Advertisements

I've posted in the past about marketing that frankly scared the shit out of me, the world of corporate marketing and advertisement is at no shortage for nightmare fuel inducing bullshit that really shouldn't have been, mistakes of companies who probably meant well but in some cases you really have to question.. Did they actually mean to make me fill my pants with fear poop?, well! We're back! Hells yes we're back..

With the fact that I now have cable to watch again I've been reintroduced to the world of commercial advertising from which for the better part of a year and a half I've been cut off from, I forgot how truly pants shittingly frightening some commercials can be, I've quickly learned my lesson and learned that my mind and specifically it's tendency to be so vividly imaginative is a weapon which feels as if it's being utilized by corporations against me and in the worst sort of ways..

I've of course covered in the past the fact that certain commercials featuring cannibalistic cereal has been pretty nightmare fuel inducing and more than once has elicited a firm questioning of 'what the fuck?' from me on more than one occasion, I mean why would you replace your nice Wendell The Baker and Three Bakers advertising your cereal with less high octane nightmare fuel shit to replace them with Hannibal Lector-esque cereals?

I mean come on, Wendell and his little Baker Buddies were pretty awesOH MY FUCKING GOD LOOK AT WENDELL'S EYES IN THAT BOTTOM PICTURE!

...Kay.. Given the psychotic gleeful grin on his face and those soulless black eyes which stare at you almost whispering, 'I'll make you into Cinnamon Toast, bitch.', I can kind of.. Yeah.. Great wonderful, thanks imagination, now I'm going to have nightmares about Wendell The Baker baking me into cereal which will then become sentient and cannibalistic, devouring it's own kin.. Wonderful..

But of course these cereals aren't the worst of the worst, the worst of the worst?

WOAH, HOLY SHIT ON A CHEESE CRACKER!!!!!1q3 WTGEHJYTUIOLK

...But no.. Now that I catch my breath, still not the murderously horrifying Chuck E. Cheese staring you down and pointing at you as if saying, 'You're next', rather the commercials I'm thinking of actually come from current-day.. At least I think so..

I'm sure you've seen them on the television, Hip Replacement Recall commercials, they look almost like they've been recorded on VHS Cassettes back in the early 1990s or maybe late 1980s and only just re-played on television and kind of sound the same too complete with intrusively loud audio.. They state that if you've received a certain type of Hip Replacement that it's been recalled and you may be entitled to compensation and the first thing that ran through my mind? I certainly fucking hope so, that's horrifying.

Why? Because the first mental video that played in my head was some poor old Granny who had received one of these Hip Replacements suddenly finding out that her Hip Replacement had been recalled and what happened? They sent a fucking Repo-man to retrieve the recalled Hip Replacement who proceeded in my head to connect a pickup hook to the poor Granny's hip through her skin and jerk that motherfucker out with 4-cylinder and 116 horse powers worth of recalling fury.. Holy shit.. That's horrifying! WHAT THE FUCK?!  I mean I'm sure I'm just being ignorant, I'm certain that they actually remove the Hip Replacements that have been recalled in a surgical manner and these Granny's are compensated properly and given a new Hip Replacement as they should be but my mind, I mean fuck my mind coming up with shit like that which turned these Hip Replacement Recall Commercials into true station attendant rocket nightmare fuel shit for me. That said.. I'd like to see them try to repossess Sophia's Hip Replacement!       

...Yeah.. Bitch 'gonna'get cut!

REVIEW: Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream - Rocky Road

Another Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream to review, wooh. I feel kinda like I'm high-pollutin, y'know? Like Jed Clampett who dun found black gold in 'dem 'dere fields I've found a wealth of things to review lately that I'm very much enjoying reviewing.. Not to mention the fact that this stuff seems to be as mentioned before a bit more into the mid range of Ice Cream rather than bottom of the barrel bargain bin stuff so it's nice to see a bit more quality.. Given it's still generic but it's more fancy generic.. We're not quite to holding our pinkies out when we eat but we're getting closer.

Now I've posted in the past about Rocky Road.. Sort of at least.. Like any other woman in the world who is worth her damn sanity or lack thereof I'm a pretty big fan of Chocolate even if I try to often avoid it for fear of what it'll do to my belly and ass, yeah.. I like having a six pack, thanks and Chocolate is the ultimate deceiver.. Oh it's nice and says it loves you when you're eating it but it's only after it's been with you for a while do you realize how truly vicious and hurtful it is.

...Sounds like a few guys I've known..

..Wait.. What? What were we talking about again? I kind of lost my train of thought..

Oh right.. Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream 'Rocky Road' flavour..

The package is of course much the same as the 'Orange Scream' flavour of Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream, this packaging is decidedly deceptive however.. I only realized this after opening the packaging.. Now keep in mind that this isn't necessarily my Ice Cream so I didn't eat a ton of it but I tried enough to give an accurate review, honestly I didn't think I'd really want that much of it after I tried it.. But back to how deceptive it is.. Notice what the package shows? Huge mounds of delightfully decadent Chocolate Ice Cream lined with big fluffy white Marshmallow streaks and dotted by beautifully yellow roasted Almonds? Yeah..

Well what you actually see doesn't quite live up to the marketing image on the packaging, that's not really a surprise though.. How many things marketed do look like they do on the marketing image? Not many.. And of course this Ice Cream like the last is no exception to looking remarkably mass manufactured, I see that Granny Bessa has made and packaged this Ice Cream as well.

Closer inspection yields the discovery that there are Almonds packed in there, they're a little more scarce than I'd like but they're there.. And so are the occasional, note occasional blot of Marshmallowishness.. I say Marshmallowishness because.. Well..

Upon first taste of this Ice Cream I discovered the Chocolate was cloyingly almost painfully and completely over powering sweet, at first Chocolate was all I could taste.. Gradually as I tasted and paid more attention the flavours began to slowly emerge from the rest of the Ice Cream, the Marshmallow flavour is slightly muted but definitely noticeable but I feel that the most notable secondary flavour in this Ice Cream is in fact surprisingly enough the Roasted Almonds which provide not the salty kick I'd hoped for but rather a.. Uhm.. Roasty flavour.. Fuck.. Redundancy and a word that's not a word, wow.. First the SHERBET shit and now this, Ice Cream dislikes me..

I was right though.. This shit is too much for me, there are even little chunks of Chocolate hidden inside there and that goes just too far. After a few bites of this I was starting to feel sick to my stomach and shortly thereafter.. Well.. This is why I avoid Ice Creams such as this...

Flavour wise however Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream 'Rocky Road' flavour receives a rating of 7.0/10 Big Cat Paws - It's definitely good, it's not my sort of good and it's not something I could eat a lot of unless I wanted to be constantly sick but.. I mean it's not something to avoid, others will probably have more luck with this stuff and enjoy it considerably more than I have.

REVIEW: Little Debbie - Banana Pudding Rolls

I love bananas. The obligatory pun/joke must be made here that is required by law in where I say 'I'm bananas for bananas', and then I promptly cower in fear of my readers because I'm probably about to be viciously beaten within an inch of my life with no mercy or quarter given and probably rightfully so because I'm a terrible person for saying such things.. I blame other influences in my life which started me on the punny path, I used to hate the shite out of puns as well.

Bananas are awesome though, they're delicious and they typically make awesome desserts and sweeties, I can't say that I've crossed many bananas or banana flavoured products I didn't like in some way.. Plus bananas can be used to bribe flaming monkeys not to toast your ass which is always a plus because that technically made them currency.

....Alternatively y'know bananas have been known to screw with peoples minds, I mean.. Well it's better just shown than said;

I can also say that I too have been affected, I no longer trust turtle shells at all or turtles period and if you get a blue goddamned shell next to me I'll beat you to death where you stand before you can use that bastard because I'm sick and fucking tired of being in first and having that shit snatched away from me by some bastard at the end of the pack getting a lucky blue shell. Fuck that shit.

I'd made a previous post detailing the fact that I'd tried a single one of these in the past, the product I mean.. The product being Little Debbie Banana Pudding Rolls, not blue turtle shells thankfully.. Although they have been the ire of my racing career on more than one occasion, the Little Debbie Banana Pudding Rolls were surprisingly delicious, I mean.. Amazingly so.. And of course I only had the cash to afford a single roll so I'd eaten it on spot and I never got to try them the way I wanted.. That was until recently..

OOOOH YEAA, motherfucker! I've got a whole goddamned box of the bastards now, you better bet the first thing I did after taking this photograph was tear into this son of a bitchin' box and toss one of these big bad logs into the freezer! Hells yeah! Straight into the freezer, Sir/Madame!

I'd expressed how badly I'd wanted to try one of these frozen, unfortunately the freezing process doesn't happen instantly seeing as I lack liquid nitrogen which is a problem because that meant I was in the long-haul for waiting, I'd have to wait idly by while my precious decadent delight went through it's chilly conversion..

...DING!

...Wonderful thing about blogs is I can write these posts in advance and so reviewing the product is somewhat instantaneous, makes the wait feel like it's been less time than it's actually been because my mind is simple and doesn't discern the time passing the same as if I were y'know.. I dunno, waiting like a normal person without a blog I guess..

Ooh out of the package these are pretty, for a mass produced roll these things are beautifully made and have a surprisingly neat and uniform shape, rounded enough to look proper with clean edges but engineered to serve a purpose, the bottoms are slightly frosted by that white Frosting drizzled over them which serves as a 'balance' for the roll so it doesn't.. Roll away.. *rimshot*

GODNOTTHEFACE!

...Right.. I probably deserve a pop in the kisser for that one..

So aside from being pretty, how do they taste? I wonder if I can also describe something as tasting pretty, these would be something I'd describe as 'tasting pretty', they're amazing, even better than they were before at room temperature/warm frozen! I mean holy shit, they're unbelievable.

The otherwise soft and moist Cake body of the roll when frozen takes on a slightly more firm consistency, note I said only slightly, it imparts a bit of 'chew' which is absolutely texturally spectacular to the roll and because of this everything else on the roll and in the roll also acquires a delightful 'chew' to it, the Cake still is quite sweet and decadent and this is nothing bad but everything else sets it to a completely mind-blowing level when frozen.

The drizzles of Icing become chewy and cold and the big sell in this is that the roll which is positively packed full of that Banana Pudding Creme stuff becomes slightly chewy and more importantly seems to almost acquire the aspects of a Frozen Custard which is SPECTACULAR! and yes, the caps lock and exclamation point is required, I'd be screaming at you face to face if possible but for the interest of keeping viewers I'll avoid verbally assaulting my readers.. At least in that respect..

All in all? All I'd hoped for and more, so much more. These things are like orgasms in cake form and I definitely recommend them. Little Debbie - Banana Pudding Rolls get a rating of 10/10 Big Cat Paws, hell.. These got tore the fuck up by a Big Cats claws, trust that.

Nickelodeon Prizes Of The 1990s Part 7

Because this is the article that JUST. WON'T. DIE! Is it undead?! Is it zombiefied?! Does it crave your brains?! Who knows! You probably won't know until you realize what that odd tingling sensation on your scalp is and ASHSDGHSNHJ. ... NM.

...Ow..

It's Nickelodeon Prizes Of The 1990s Part 7 and it's not my fault they gave away too many damn prizes! But holy shit they gave away some cool prizes, didn't they? Sometimes they gave away awesome toys, other times they'd give away the most penultimate prize in the form of something like a go-kart, always they left you guessing and sometimes they left you feeling murderous, enough electronic instruments to drive a geriatric ward into a frenzy of senior senility inspired insanity, the prizes of Nickelodeon in the 1990s were very varied and what were some of the coolest toys?!

Do you remember the late 1980s and mid 1990s when remote controlled cars cost sometimes in excess of $100.00USD? I'm sure if you're old enough to remember half the shit on this blog you do, you'll recall probably wanting one pretty badly because at the time they were admittedly very cool and very elusive but either not being able to afford it or not being able to justify the spending of that type of cash on that type of frivolity but goddamn back then were these ever cool and if you won something like this on a game show? Weeeell.. BARBIES ABOUT TO TAKE A JOY RIDE! YAAAAAHOOOOOO!

Now sure there's the casual BIG HONKIN' MONSTER TRUCK! which Barbie could drive, relentlessly crushing her enemies and those bitches down the lane that said she had bad fashion sense, the Bandit was one of those higher performance RC Cars that really tore shit up, I mean impressively so. I remember these things, they were built tough to handle every dipshit retard that got one and instantly couldn't resist the urge to set up a ramp and launch this bitch into the stratosphere only to have it come harshly crashing back down into the Earth, usually upside down.. It's a miracle these things actually survived their first typical use.. But what was an even cooler Radio Controlled toy you may ask?!

Barbie would be cruisin' and rollin' in straight up style in a Sinsei goddamned Lamborghini! Holy shite! Really?! I would have been stoked out my goddamned mind, I would have tried to climb on top of this motherfucker and attempted to ride it out ala clown car from the studio's, cackling the whole way. How awesome is a remote controlled Lamborghini?! That's absolutely mind blowingly epic! Hell I want one now and these things are horribly out of date by this point! I mean they were made in the 1980s after all but still.

How cool is this? The only cooler RC Car I could think of to own would be a 1989 Batmobile RC Car or an RC Car modeled after the Batmobile from Batman The Animated Series, BARBIE WOULD BE THE MOTHERFUCKING NIGHT!!!!!!!!! HUUU YEAAAHHH!

BOOONE SAWWWSSS REAAAAADY!

....I mean.. Wait.. What?

...The fuck? I got away from myself there for a second, apologies..

On the subject and theme of awesome prizes however, not getting onto something shitty like TUUUNA! we'll continue on and touch upon a final prize that was a parting gift really, perhaps not top tier shit but something I consider to be pretty awesome on a scale.. Something that I'd give your left arm for today, yours, not mine.. I'm perfectly willing and capable to amputate it for you, who knows.. We could replace it with something crafted out of popsicle sticks! That'd be awesome, no?!

It is the You Can't Do That On Television inspired Green Slime Shampoo! 'Course I've posted about it in the past, like I said, I'd give a lot to have a bottle of it today.. I doubt I'd actually use it as tempting as that would be, it'd end up likely being just a decoration because at this point in time with few people in the world actually remembering or knowing what You Can't Do That On Television is or was, the Green Slime Shampoo is a bit of an artifact.. Who even knows if a bottle actually exists intact? I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't one left.. But in the 1980s and early 1990s when this was given away I always wondered why the contestants looked so bummed to receive it, even back then I would have been pretty stoked.. I would have probably irresponsibly used the whole bottle in a single bathing but I'd of still been stoked, I mean... It's the shampoo that gets you clean and won't turn you green.. Not that any shampoo turned you green but WHAT THE FUCK EVER.. IT LOOKED LIKE GREEN SLIME AND IT CARRIED THE NAME THEREFORE IT WAS AWESOME! It's one of the few examples of something carrying a brand name that actually made it want it more BECAUSE of the brand name.

Green Slime Shampoo? You know you'd stand in the shower dousing this shit over your head, cap off, and the slime cascading down your bo-OH MY GOD.. Wow.. I'd never realized how vaguely sexual that sounded..

Lets.. Just.. Stop now..

....Fucking Nickelodeon Freudian shit..

REVIEW: Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream - Orange Scream

I scream, you scream, we all scream, Police show up, we're arrested for inciting a public disturbance.. Fuck.. There goes my afternoon right down the shitter..

...Okay! Okay.. We'll stop with the shitty jokes, please just don't throw, attack, maim, or attempt to end my life.. I get it, I'm a terrible person who has come to enjoy the occasional pun once too often and tells jokes that probably leave me deserving a serious and vicious beating, I understand.. But in seriousness, what exactly denotes actual Sherbert Ice Cream? I'd always associated Sherbert Ice Cream with Ice Cream that was flavoured with flavours like Orange, Lime, and the like.. I'm sure that's not the actual definition.. Let's see..

"Sherbert," an incorrect usage for the word sherbet, an iced dessert containing both fruit juice and between 1% and 2% milkfat

Uh-huh.. Well fuck you, Wikipedia and fuck me.. Spell check didn't even proc on that one, what the fuck? So it's 'Sherbet' and technically my definition seems to be pretty spot on in spite of my evidently pronouncing and spelling the word 'incorrectly', fuck the English language.. Goddamned confusing bullshit..

See myself I'd have counted the legendary Flintstones Push-Up Pops of years past that I've posted about in past entries as Sherbert Ice Cream, excuse me.. SHERBET ICE CREAM.. Because it makes so goddamned much sense that everyone in this freakin' word refers to it as goddamned Sherbert and most spell it as Sherbert that it should actually be SHERBET. Sherbet.. Fucking ridiculous.. Whatever..

It's in the interest of SHERBET that I review the following Ice Cream which I believe to be SHERBET, Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream "Orange Scream" Flavour;

First impressions is that this is probably a mid-range bargain bin Ice Cream, this shit seems a little more fancy than the Walgreen's stuff, I mean it's called 'Deluxe' which makes me instantly associate it as being a little fancy pantsy and shit and it comes complete with a packaging that doesn't rend in my goddamned hands like motherfucking tissue paper, I swear.. Opening those bargain bin cardboard Ice Cream containers makes me feel like freakin' Wolverine after a few too many adrenaline injections. RRURUUHHHRRRHH! Ice Cream fucking everywhere..

OH sorry, did you want some? Just go scrape some off the wall over there, I'm sure it's fine.

It's not bad looking although.. I do find that little glop at the left of the Ice Cream a little disconcerting, I mean.. It's so very manufactured to see something like that in my Ice Cream, I don't mind knowing that it's manufactured by machines and all but I'd like to think even with the illusion I know is completely false that some little old Grannies sit around, churning this shit, and then packaging it by scooping it lovingly.. Instead this looks disturbingly machine packed.. It destroys the innocent lies my brain tries to feed me.. Well we'll just forgive that and move on, so the shit is mass manufactured.. What isn't these days? To hell with it, it's bad for me.. I'm going to give it a try anyway because the consequences be damned and maybe we can name the machine Granny Bessa or something..

Upon actually trying this Ice Cream my first thoughts were that this tasted very odd, I'm not sure that I really picked up an 'Orange' flavour so much as it seemed a little Peach which is abnormal because there are no goddamned Peaches utilized in the creation of this Ice Cream.. Alright, I don't care.. Aberrant flavours be damned, let's continue.. The taste then altered a little and became more reminiscent of a Flintstones Push-Up Pop which was delightful because I adored those but wasn't quite as cloyingly sweet or strong as I recall the Flintstones Push-Up Pops as having been.. Rather it was somewhat more muted a flavour, a little more 'mellow' so to speak, the definite effect of the Vanilla Ice Cream which isn't particularly strong in the flavour melee and melds perfectly with the inclusion of the alleged 'Orange' flavour, I'm thinking I'm tasting only the colour Orange rather than the fruit Orange.. Maybe that explains the way the flavour seems to jump from one fruit to the other with what seems to be borderline schizophrenic tendencies..

It's smooth, it's creamy, it's very SHERBET like and it tastes of.. Different fruits which is disturbing but I'm still just going to chalk that up to tasting colours which seems like something I should only be able to do after imbibing either a mid to copious amount of LSD or a copious amount of weed.. Since I've done neither I'm chalking it up to some secret additive from Granny Bessa.. Kroger's Deluxe Ice Cream "Orange Scream" flavour gets a rating of 7.8/10 Big Cat Paws, delicious, very good.. Definitely worth checking out, it's muted flavours are more suited for an adult pallet as I've grown a bit less fond of those flavours which taste so cloyingly and intrusively sweet such as are marketed towards children and this Ice Cream is surprisingly easy on my stomach causing so far none of the usual 'urpiness' I've associated with eating Ice Cream these days.

....Sherbet..

....FUCK YOU, WIKIPEDIA!

REVIEW: Little Debbie Zebra Cakes

I've done posts in the past indicating my love of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and I've even detailed a case in which a girl threatened to goddamn kill a classmate over a dispute revolving around these delicious little crack cakes;

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. —

Even the mother of the girl who was threatened said she can't get a copy of the note, but she did get to read it. In a police report she said another girl talked about having a gun and wanting to kill her daughter."The note said 'I have a gun and first I'm going to shoot you in the shoulder,'" said Cindy Landfair, mother of the girl who was threatened.
From one nine-year-old girl to another, the note continued.
"...then you're going to shoot me back with a bazooka, but you're gonna miss..."
Cindy Landfair said a note to her daughter from a classmate at Southwood Elementary School went too far.
"...and then I'm going to shoot you back and kill you..." the note continued.
"I was shocked. I was terrified," Landfair said.
The girl's mother said it all started over snacks. Her daughter traded her 'zebra cakes' for a bag of chips. But when the other girl wanted both for herself, the mother said that's when she wrote the threatening note.
It happened during an after school program run by the YMCA. They suspended the girl who wrote the note, but Landfair said school officials won't tell her whether they've done the same and will only say they're handling the matter internally.
"I don't know anything at this point. The school is basically leaving me in the dark," Landfair added.
Landfair, whose daughter has a different last name, said she may pull her kids out of the school even though authorities couldn't find a gun and don't believe there was a crime committed.
When asked if she thought she was being an over protective mother, Cindy Landfair responded.
"Yes, I do, but I only have one daughter and she's not replaceable" she said.

School district administrators contacted the sheriff's office. The district said it's considering how the girl who wrote the note should be disciplined.

Frankly and honestly I can understand where this girl was coming from, fuck with my Zebra Cakes in any way including trying to make me share with you and I'm liable to tear your arm from it's shoulder socket and beat you to death with it.. Would that be murder or suicide? ...It's your arm.. Beating you to death.. Just with assistance.. Assisted suicide?

...Meh..

Little Debbie is some addictive shit at any rate and it's not just Zebra Cakes, while I'll admit that I'm not a huge fan of all Little Debbie's Snack Cakes and foods I will say that most seem to have some secret ingredients.. Let's see.. Oh what could they be?

...Yeah, definitely crack.. Definitely crack.. And not just normal crack like super monster crack on steroids and all sorts of performance enhancing drugs because nothing should be as addictive as snack foods from Little Debbie are, NOTHING.

It's in this interest that I'm going to properly review Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, while I've already provided something of a review in the past I didn't have my rating system in place then so now that I do I'll re-review them since I've got a whole box this time and as of writing this review I'd preemptively frozen a pair, why a pair? Because typically Little Debbie Zebra Cakes come with two Cakes in a single wrapper is why!

Love the box with the retard Zebra complete with sunglasses to hide the fact that his eyes are totally blood-shot from all the crack cocaine he's been doing, I mean he makes the cakes obviously, you don't think he hits his own product every now and then? Bullshit, you know he does.

Now no, these aren't good for you at all, there's an emphasis on that.. They're terribad for you in fact and it doesn't help that unlike many things that come with two in a single wrapper like Pop Tarts that the actual serving size is two Cakes for these.. Two Cakes makes up 330 Calories, 135 of which are from Fat, and well.. That leaves very little Nutritional Value at all in these Cakes.. In fact virtually none.. That's why they're Snack Cakes though right? So fuck it!

I love the way these things look and when frozen they develop a certain feel and firmness that almost makes me water at the mouth considering the coming deliciousness.. I was overcome by such a feeling when unwrapping and slicing these in halves for this photograph and as you can see when frozen the Creme Filling becomes quite a bit more firm than when they're served raw I.E. ala 'room temperature', I'm not as much a fan of Snack Cakes as room temperature, I really tend to prefer Snack Cakes universally as being frozen personally but that's me and my weirdness.

Holy balls are these ever good frozen too, I mean.. Crack cocaine? No this is definitely no run of the mill crack cocaine, these things are incredibly addictive and it's hard to eat just two.. Even for me.. The outsides when frozen take a certain quality that I don't want to describe this way because it makes it sound bad but I promise it's so in a good way, the outer Icing becomes almost 'waxy', this is a great thing because the Icing doesn't just melt away, as it melts it actually coats your mouth with a kind of 'waxy' film that sticks around with all the flavour of the Frosting and it's an amazing effect, the Cake itself is your standard Yellow Cake and is sweet, moist, and when frozen is just firm enough to provide a small chew, and the hero of the whole array? That would be the inner filling, the Creme which freezes into an almost Ice Cream coolness and provides a very whipped Frozen Yogurt sort of experience which is just eeeeepic to experience and melds together with the rest of the Cake into this big mess of 'See Food' which couldn't be gross no matter how you look at it, I firmly believe that.

Little Debbie Snack Cakes receive a rating of 9.5/10 Big Cat Paws - Beyond awesome, beyond good, and beyond rational. These things are almost perfect, I'd love to see a version with Whipped Peanut Butter Creme inside though instead of the standard Sweet Creme personally.

That said although I've never seen them personally there apparently is a version of Zebra Cakes that is inverted, 'Chocolate Zebra Cakes' which should really feature an inverted Zebra, fuck your political correctness; we needs a 'Black Zebra' for this packaging.

Apocalypse 2012: Prediction; LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN APOCALYPSE!

So I've expressed my opinions in the past and my belief that the kids in Legends Of The Hidden Temple behind the scenes were quite roughly treated, it's my belief that those Temple Guards got a little too friendly when grabbing those kids in the Temple Run and well.. Maybe friendly isn't the word for it, I know on more than one occasion that Kirk Fogg had suggested and stated that children had previously 'never made it out' of parts of the Temple and sometimes just never made it out of the Temple itself, was it because they were killed?

NO! They were taken by the Temple Guards who then had their way with them! See this is my theory, you know how everyone's afraid that the world's going to end on Dec 21, 2012 because the Mayan Calender supposedly says so? Well maybe the Mayan Temple Guards sought a self fulfilling prophecy, huh? Maybe they're seeking to fulfill that prophecy?!

Look at it this way.. Stories of beams of lights photographed with iPhones coming from Mayan Temples, loud booms heard at random parts of the world with astounding frequency that continue to go on without explanation, and crazy weather.. It's all a lot and does feel that it's leading up to something, something wicked.. Something baaad..

I mean you can basically see this Temple Guard popped out and was pretty much like 'CANDY IN VAN, LOLZ. KAY?', the kid obviously knows what's coming.. It's not fun, it's not cool.. Nothing will ever be cool again.. AND WHERE DID THE GODDAMNED MAYANS GET VANS, SON OF A BITCH.. WHAT THE HELL?!

Of course y'know, I'd also suggest other things in this wide conspiracy. The Olmec family has been known to be spread across the world, where's my evidence?

Places like Belize, folks! I give you either Olmec's Mother or Grandmother or something.. I dunno.. IT'S OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO OLMEC AND IT'S A WICKED OMEN OF HIS INTENDED MAYAN DOMINATION OF THE WORLD! Why haven't we seen the Mayans around lately?! HUH?! Because they've been laying low, capturing children in the Temple to add to their harems so that they can spawn..

Drumroll

Their Mayan Temple Guard Family Of DOOM!!!! Because they need a Family Of DOOM!!!! so they have an army to over-run the globe with, they'll soon at the end of 2012 be surging through the streets, popping out of every corner, hiding in goddamned trees, and even in.. And god help you if you go to a Chuck E. Cheese or something and forget.. The ball pits... OH THE FUCKERS WILL BE SWARMING THE BALLPITS, HIDDEN DEEP BENEATH THE SEEMINGLY INNOCENT SPHERES OF 'FUN', WAITING FOR THEIR UNWITTING PREY TO POP IN SO THEY CAN POUNCE!

Oh they all look safe, a lot of things LOOK safe! They're not! THEY'RE NOT!!!! And you can only have two Pendants Of Life at most! ONLY TWO!!!!

TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But you know the one thing we have in our favour that can save us?

It's that they've chosen poor breeding stock! HAH! YES! Because the Children they've chosen to take away for their future breeding stock to bear their wicked world-dominating army were neither the most intelligent nor the most physically fit and those traits will be genetically carried to their off-spring! ...Not the most intelligent.. Bit of an understatement, wasn't it?

But you know what?! IF you still don't believe me then just wait! In the mean time I'm going to be building multiple teams of two to rove in packs so that we can have multiple Pendants Of Life for when the coming apocalypse arrives BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN WE CAN KEEP OURSELVES SAFE LONG ENOUGH TO FIND A PLACE TO EXIST!

The rest of you.. Oh god help you if you get found with only half a Pendant or none at all.. Oh and you will get found.. Remember.. THE TREE'S HAVE GODDAMNED ARMS, EYES, AND EARS AND HOLY SHIT THEY'LL GRAB YOU AND DON'T CLIMB IN THAT BALL PIT OR SIT IN THAT CHAIR OR HUG THAT SKELETON BECAUSE IT'LL HUG BACK! AND I AM NOT CRAZY!

Off to the Temple Games!

...And Kirk kept saying something about a 'spitting serpent', I wonder if I should be concerned?